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The Basics for Living a Meaningful, Balanced, and Godly Life
(updated 11/15/02)
(1) The most important decision in life is the one made by you concerning Jesus Christ. God has said that everyone who sins must pay the penalty for his/her sins, and there is no one, including you, who is righteous and free from sin. There is no payment you can possibly make, nor nothing that you could do that would satisfy a Holy and Just God. The penalty or payment due for your sin is eternal death and separation from God - forever. The only hope you have is to recognize you are a lost, helpless sinner before God, be genuinely sorrowful, and ask God for forgiveness. Then you must realize that God loves you so much that He planned and provided for you a once-for-all-time opportunity to accept His forgiveness, His free gift of eternal life, and adoption into His family. You do this by believing in and accepting the Son of God, Jesus Christ, as your personal Savior and Lord of your life. Jesus, being the sinless and perfect God-Man, willingly took upon Himself your penalty for sin (as your substitute) thereby completely satisfying God’s righteous-holy wrath against you. Jesus died to actually pay for your every personal sin - past, present, future. Jesus was resurrected from the dead which showed God’s approval and acceptance for what He did for you. After you have accepted Jesus as your Savior and Lord, important next steps are: be water-baptized - an outward sign of the inward cleansing you have received; become active in worshipping God in a Christ-centered church; daily, call upon Jesus for His strength, guidance, and enabling to live as He requires in the following key areas, which will lead to a Meaningful, Balanced, and Godly life:
(2) Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your (spouse/others) as you love yourself.
(3) Seek to know God, His Ways, and His Word before anything else - even more than desiring solutions to your problems. Trust that the Lord knows you and your needs better than you do.
(4) Seek knowledge, wisdom, and understanding from the Holy Spirit.
(5) Invite the Holy Spirit to totally empower and control you moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.
(6) Pray continually. Meditate and fast. Seek to be joyful/content always, giving thanks for God’s loving control in sending or allowing all circumstances in your life. Choose to believe in God’s goodness no matter what the circumstances.
(7) Choose to forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. Continually ask Christ for forgiveness of your daily sins He makes you aware of. By faith, receive and give thanks for His forgiveness.
(8) Think of others as better than yourself. Do nothing out of selfish ambition/pride. Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good.
(9) Excel in the grace of giving - time, money, and devotion/worship to God. Allow yourself to be a living sacrifice to God.
(10) Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Think about whatever is pure, lovely, admirable, good. Avoid anger, rage, filthy language, sexual immorality, evil desires, greed.
(11) Mutually submit to each other. Husband-love your wife as yourself and even sacrificially as Christ loved you enough to suffer and die for you. Wife-respect and submit to the position your husband has been placed in just as Christ submits to the Father. Parent-be reasonable in your love and discipline toward your child(ren) - avoid extremes. You must honor and respect all those in authority over you as well as those who are under you.
(12) Bless and pray for any that mistreat you. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Allow love to cover many shortcomings of others. Do not repay evil for evil. Let God repay as He determines.
(13) Trust in the Lord always; Do not depend on your own understanding; acknowledge Him in everything and all circumstances. Realize your powerlessness to face any issue, and look only to God for guidance, help, and hope.
(14) Choose Life over Death (right over wrong) in every life situation. Trust God to bring your choice about and make it happen. Realize the Lord is your life.
(15) Seek to live and act holy just as God is holy. Seek to fear/honor/respect God and keep His commandments. Don’t grow weary in doing good.
Reference Notes
1) Joel 2:32. Mt. 16:16. Lk. 1:77-78. Jn. 3:16-18, 36; 5:24; 6:29, 40; 8:24; 14:6; 20:31.
Acts 2:21, 38; 4:12; 10:43; 13:39; 15:11; 16:31; 22:16; 26:18. Rom. 3:10-12, 20, 22-26; 4:22-
25; 5:1, 6, 8; 6:9-10; 8:1-2, 24a; 10:9-10, 13. 2 Cor. 5:21; 7:10. Gal. 2:15-16; 3:13-14.
Eph. 1:3-8; 2:8-9. Col. 1:21-22; 2:13-14. 2 Thess. 1:8-9. 1 Tim. 2:3-6. 2 Tim. 1:9-10; 3:15.
Tit. 3:5-8. Heb. 5:8; 9:12, 22; 7:25-27; 10:10, 25. 1 Pet. 3:18. 1 Jn.3:1a; 4:9-10; 5:1, 11-12, 17.
2) Deut. 6:5; 10:12-13. Mt. 10:37-39; 22:36-40. Mk. 12:30-31. Rom. 13:8-10; 1 Cor. 13:4-8.
3) Job 28:24. Ps. 119:11, 168. Mt. 6:8, 25-33; Lk. 12:31. Rom. 8:26-27. Eph. 3:16-19; 5:10, 17.
2 Pet. 3:3-8.
4) Prov. 2:6, 13-15; 8:10; 16:16. Col. 1:9-12; 2:2-3. Jas. 1:5.
5) Jn. 16:13. Rom. 8:26-27. Eph. 5:18.
6) Job 42:1-2. Ps. 119:68; 136:1. Eccles. 12:14. Mt. 6:17-18; 7:7-8; 17:21. Rom. 8:28; 12:12.
Eph. 3:12. Phil. 4:4-7, 11-13, 19. Col. 4:2. 1 Thess. 5:16-18. 1 Tim. 6:6-10. Jas. 5:11. Heb. 13:5.
I Pet. 5:6-7. Ps. 119:48, 78, 97.
7) Ps. 103:1-5. Mic. 7:18-19. Mt. 6:9-14. Lk. 11:4a. Eph. 4:30, 32. Col. 3:13-14. Heb. 12:15.
1 Jn. 1:9-10.
8) Rom. 12:3, 9. Gal. 6:3-5. Eph. 4:31. Phil. 2:3. Col. 3:1-10. 1 Thess. 5:21-22. 2 Tim. 2:22.
Jas. 4:7-8a.
9) Rom. 12:1. 2 Cor. 7: 16b; 8:7; 9:6-15.
10) Gal. 5:22-23. Eph. 4:2. Phil. 4:8. Col. 3:2, 5, 8, 12.
11) Eph. 5:21-6:9. Col. 3:18-4:1. Heb. 13:17. 1 Pet. 1:13, 18; 3:1-8.
12) Mt. 5:44. Rom. 12:14, 17-21. 2 Thess. 1:6-7a. 2 Tim. 4:14. Jas. 1:19. 1 Pet. 3:9; 4:8.
13) 2 Chron. 20:12, 15. Job 41:11b. Prov. 3:5-6. Ezek. 37:1-14. Dan. 3:16-18. Hab. 3:17-19.
Jn. 5:16-18. Rom. 15:13. 2 Cor. 12:9, 10b. Gal. 2:20; 3:3; 5:16-18. Heb. 4:7-8.
14) Deut. 6:18; 30:11-20. Eph. 1:11b. Phil. 2:12-13. Heb. 13:20-21.
15) Lev. 19:2. Eccles. 12:13. Is. 40:28-31. Mt. 5:48. 2 Cor. 13:11a. Gal. 6:9. Eph. 5:1-2.
Phil. 1:9-11. 2 Thess. 3:13. Heb. 12:14. 1 Pet. 1:15.
TALKING WITH GOD
(updated: 05/24/02)
The following are prayers, statements, and key thoughts from other well-known Christians. These have been collected over time from various writings, sermons, radio broadcasts, etc. Use these as your own prayers to reflect your heart and need to God.
Lord, use me to accomplish great things for YOUR kingdom.
Lord, apart from You, I can't do it; I won't do it; it won't get done.
Lord, help me to never, never, never trust in myself, my ability, or what I have done or can do; help me to always, always, trust You every minute of every day for everything.
Lord, I am Yours in all that I have.
Lord, I don’t know where You are taking me, but I trust You know where You are going.
Lord, I trust You as the "Master of Breakthroughs."
Lord, as I face this problem, I pray that I will be able to discern and do Your will. As I commit my request to You, I pray for the grace to continue trusting You while I wait for Your answer.
Lord, make me willing to allow the Holy Spirit to produce in my life BOTH the desire AND behavior that's pleasing to You.
Lord, I am willing for You to do whatever it takes for You to overcome this sin in my life and achieve Your goals. Change me and make me willing to change to do Your will and be obedient to You.
Lord, I can't, but You can.
Lord, I'm leaving it with You; you do what You think is best.
Lord, I want to go where You want me to go. I want to be what You want me to be. I want to do what You want me to do. But, I am at the end of my resources.
Lord, all that I am -- all that I hope to be -- all that I have, I give it all to You as an offering.
Lord, help me to seek You before, during, and after my time of struggle.
Lord, I entrust my "life dream" to You. I trust Your loving intentions enough for You to determine what my success should be.
Lord, make my greatest passion and deepest longing to know You and make You known to others.
Lord, enable me to trust that You will be there for me. When I can't feel You, allow my FAITH to take over.
Lord, I am willing to be made willing.
Lord, I have failed. Can we try it together again?
Lord, help me to daily surrender control of my life to You.
Lord, turn my expectations inside out.
Lord, I trust You will allow what You will allow, and nothing can touch me otherwise.
Lord, as I face this problem, I pray that I will be able to discern and do Your will. As I commit by request to You, I pray for the grace to continue trusting You while I wait for Your answer.
Lord, even though You are never in a hurry, help me to trust that You are always on time.
Lord, help me do better than I can.
Lord, I have not been able to live the Christian life; I can't now live the Christian life; I will not be able to live the Christian life. As a branch I must abide in You, the Vine. Help me to realize You never intended for me to live apart from You.
Lord, I know success depends on You. How do You want me to cooperate with You?
Lord, help me to begin small, but start promptly.
Lord, help me to focus on faith; free me from fear.
Lord, save me from the enemy outside and also from the enemy within.
Lord, help me to realize that no matter how bad it is, it could be worse without You and Your love.
Lord, help me to understand that Your compassion is so great that You gave up Your Son before You would give up on me.
Lord, help me to realize that if You can use anything, You can use me.
Lord, help me to understand that if I have anything at all, I have something to give.
Lord, help me to realize there is no way to avoid life's storms; but we can walk through them together.
Lord, cause me to know that I cannot go back and make a brand new start. But, starting now with You, I can make a brand new end.
Lord, allow me to understand that when I pray, You are either answering my prayer, or You are fixing me to be able to pray a prayer that You can answer.
Lord, help me to look expectantly for Your hand in all of life's circumstances and realize there is no such thing as a coincidence. You are in control and nothing happens by accident. Everything occurs for a purpose.
Lord, when I fail, help me to hear You say, "If you want, we can try it again TOGETHER."
Lord, encourage me to ASK great things from You; to EXPECT great things from You; and to DO great things with You!
Lord, instead of me asking "Why" is this happening now, enable me to see and understand "What" You wisely and lovingly want me to know about You in this situation.
Lord, make it possible for me to thank You for this experience You have sent me even if You never tell me "why."
Lord, I am hanging on to You. You can do whatever You want. Just carry me through.
Lord, I can’t sense your Presence in this situation. But, I know You are!!
Lord, please make it possible for me not to 'whine' but to 'shine.'
Lord, I need you to be a "WAY-MAKER" in my life now.
Lord, produce the fruit in my life in keeping with my repentance.
Lord, help me remember that the best way to keep the Enemy out is to keep YOU in.
Lord, whether or not my deepest longings and most desperate prayers are granted, enable my faith to be in You. Make my desire to desire Your will above all else.
WHY THIS?? WHY NOW?? WHY ME??
(11/19/01 - Bill Bellican)
At times of unparalleled stress and suffering in our lives, these are questions we shout to God desiring, even demanding answers. And, these lead to other questions such as: Is God in control of what's happening to and around me? Is God really all good? Am I really all that bad to deserve this? Is God just paying me back for what I have done? In addition to these seemingly unanswered questions, Satan complicates the situation seeking to alienate us from God and have it seem that God is alienated from us.
It is important for us to ask these questions of God and seek an understanding based on His Word. The story of Job deals with these very things. One can begin to see into this struggle in the heavens between God and the Enemy from God's point of view and how His Divine purpose involving us is in the balance. We start to understand in our struggle that God works in these times to:
- strengthen our faith;
- teach us a lesson/truth we need to know;
- allow us to experience the consequences of our sin and the (loving) discipline He brings;
- work His testing and refinement in our lives;
- reveal His comfort/grace;
- accomplish His own sovereign/mysterious purposes. Finally, we must come to the place of accepting that God does not allow us to suffer for no reason. And even though the reason may be hidden in the mystery of his Divine purpose-never for us to know in this lifetime-we must trust in Him as the God who does only what is right.
Prayerfully consider the following selections in Job. Meditate on them and dialogue with God about them as you grapple with your issues.
Chapter 1 - 2:10; Chapter 3; Chapter 6:4, 24; Chapter 7:7,11; Chapter 9:14-10:22; Chapter 12:13-25; Chapter 13:15-24; Chapter 16:6-9, 12, 16-21; Chapter 17:1, 7, 11; Chapter 19:6-20; Chapter 21:4-9, 13-16, 22-26;
Chapter 23:1-17; Chapter 24:1, 12, 22-24; Chapter 28:12-15, 23-24, 28; Chapter 29:1-6; Chapter 30:15-31; Chapter 31:5-6; Chapters 38-42.
Some conclusions we can draw from God's Word in Job include:
- There are matters going on in heaven with God that we know nothing about that affect our lives.
- Even the best effort at explaining the issues of life can be useless.
- God's people do suffer. Bad things happen all the time to good people - so one cannot judge a person's spirituality by his painful circumstances or successes.
- Even though God seems far away, perseverance in faith is a most noble virtue since God is Good and one can safely leave his life in His Hands.
- In the midst of suffering, we must not abandon God, but draw near to Him so out of the fellowship can come the comfort - without the explanation.
- Suffering may be intense, but it will ultimately end for the righteous and God will bless abundantly.
- Job finally rested in nothing but faith in God's Goodness and the hope of His redemption. God vindicated Job's trust.
- When there are no rational, or even theological, explanations for disaster and pain, trust God.
- Suffering is directed by perfect Divine Wisdom.
ANGER, COMMUNICATION AND PROVERBS
(updated: 07/16/03)
The Bible has a great deal to say about anger, ineffective ways of communicating, what to avoid, and how to pursue a healthier way to communicate. The following selections of Scripture are taken from the book of Proverbs (NIV).
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. Prov. 10:12
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Prov. 10:19
A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself. Prov. 11:17
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. Prov. 12:16
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov. 12:18
He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. Prov. 13:3
A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated. Prov. 14:17
A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. Prov. 14:29
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. Prov. 15:18
Better a patient man than warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Prov. 16:32
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Prov. 17:9
Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. Prov. 17:14
He who loves a quarrel loves sin (Prov. 17:19a).
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Prov. 17:27
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. Prov. 18:2
He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame. Prov. 18:13
He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers. Prov. 19:8
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Prov. 19:11
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. Prov. 19:19
It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. Prov. 20:3
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome [wife]. Prov. 21:9
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered [wife]. Prov. 21:19
He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. Prov. 21:23
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. Prov. 22:24
Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. Prov. 25:15
Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. Prov. 25:28
Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking." Prov. 26:18-19
A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him (Prov. 26:24-25a).
A quarrelsome [wife] is like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Prov 27:15).
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Prov. 29:11
Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Prov. 29:20
An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins. Prov. 29:22
DECISION MAKING AND THE WILL OF GOD
(Adapted from the book by Garry Friesen)
(Updated 07/16/03)
The expression "will of God" is used in the Bible in two ways. God's sovereign will is His secret plan to determine everything that happens in the universe. God's moral will consists of the revealed commands in the Bible that teach how we ought to believe and live.
The Nature of God's Moral Will
- It is the expression, in behavioral terms, of God's character.
- It touches every aspect and moment of life: goals, attitudes, and means (why, how, and
what).
- It is fully revealed in the Bible.
- It is able to equip believers for every good work.
For God's children, all things within the moral will of God are lawful, clean, and pure. In decisions that are made within that moral will, the Christian should not feel guilty about his choice; neither should he fear that his decision is unacceptable to God. God has made it clear what He wants: His plan for His children is for them to enjoy the freedom that He has granted.
What One Must Do To Acquire Wisdom
Have the right Attitude
- Reverence
- Humility
- Teachableness
- Diligence
- Uprightness
- Faith
Take The Right Approach
- Ask God for Wisdom
- Seek Wisdom in the pages of Scripture
- Seek Wisdom through personal research
- Seek Wisdom through wise counselors
- Seek Wisdom from life itself
To sum up: The ultimate Source of the wisdom that is needed in decision-making is God. Accordingly, we are to ask Him to provide what we lack. God mediates His wisdom to us through His Word, our personal research, wise counselors, and the applied lessons of life. Regarding counselors, one should seek two kinds: Of those who possess deep spiritual insight, the question should be asked: "Are you aware of any biblical principles that touch upon my decision?" To those who have gone through relevant personal experiences, the question should be: "When you went through a similar experience, did you gain any insights that would be of value to me?"
Principles of Decision Making - The Way of Wisdom
- In those areas specifically addressed by the Bible, the revealed commands and principles of God (His moral will) are to be obeyed.
- In those areas where the Bible gives no command or principle (non-moral decisions), the believer is free and responsible to choose his own course of action. Any decision made within the moral will of God is acceptable to God.
- In non-moral decisions, the objective of the Christian is to make wise decisions on the basis of spiritual expediency. Spiritual expediency, put simply, means what works best to get the job done-within God's moral will. Wisdom is the power to see, and the inclination to choose, the best and highest goal, together with the surest means of attaining it.
- In all decisions, the believer should humbly submit, in advance, to the outworking of God's sovereign will as it touches each decision.
God's Sovereign Will and Decision Making
- God's sovereignty does not exclude the need for planning; it does require humble submission to His will.
- Circumstances define the context of the decision and must be weighed by wisdom…not "read" as road signs to God's individual (as opposed to His moral) will. Such events are determined by God, to be sure, but they are not to be viewed as "signs" to be read. Circumstances must be evaluated, not to determine some clue from God, but to help decide the advisability of a given course of action. Circumstances indicate many of the pros and cons, but they carry no "yes" or "no" tags.
- Open doors are God-given opportunities for service…not specific guidance from God requiring one to enter. Opportunities, like everything else, come through God's sovereignty. The nature of such opportunities indicates that most of the time "open doors" should be utilized as part of wise, resourceful living for the Lord. If a greater opportunity or more pressing work is at hand, it is acceptable and proper to pass by the open door. An "open door" is not a direct providential sign from God telling the believer to go in a certain direction. A door is used, not because it is a sign, but because doors facilitate entrance. Considering the concept of "closed doors," if one were sovereignly prevented from pursuing a plan, and yet the plan itself was sound, one simply might wait and try again later. In this view, a blocked endeavor (i.e., closed door) is not necessarily a sign from God that a plan was faulty. One might accept the fact that he could not pursue it at this time and continue to desire, pray, and plan for the eventual accomplishment of the goal.
- "Putting out a fleece" is an invalid practice that sometimes works when it is really wisdom in disguise.
Applicational Solutions of the Wisdom View
- Ordinary Decisions: One should exercise good judgment and not waste time.
- Equal Decisions: One should thank God for the opportunity to select from acceptable alternatives, and choose one's personal preference.
- Immaturity: One should apply maturity by gathering and evaluating data, devoting sufficient time to the process, giving personal desires their proper place, and basing the decision on sound reasons.
- Subjectivity: Since God's moral will has been completely revealed and the means of acquiring wisdom has been explained, the knowledge required for decision making is fully attainable.
The believer already has at his disposal everything that God is going to tell him about his decisions. The moral will of God is objective, complete, and adequate. God's Word does not tell one what to decide in every situation; it teaches how to come to a decision that is acceptable to God. It is from
Scripture that we learn the necessity of determining those choices that are both moral and wise. It is the Bible that tells us to acquire wisdom and apply it to our decisions. It is the Bible that tells us where wisdom is to be found. It is the Bible that tells us of God's involvement in giving us wisdom. It is the Bible that established the objective standard by which we may define and recognize what is moral and wise. It is assumed in Scripture that knowledge of God's moral will and the necessary wisdom for good decision-making are attainable. The Bible indicates that one's depth of wisdom and knowledge of God's moral will certainly will increase progressively over a period of time. The believer is expected to study the Word sufficiently to become personally convinced of its meaning. As he grows in spiritual insight and understanding of God's Word, his convictions will be appropriately revised, his judgment will mature, and his decisions will reflect greater wisdom. But at any given point, the believer can acquire a sufficient knowledge of God's moral will and an adequate level of wisdom to make a decision that meets God's approval.
Wisdom Signs Pointing to God's Moral Will and Wisdom
- Bible
- Inner Impressions
- Personal Desires
- Special Guidance
- Circumstances
- Mature Counsel
- Common Sense
- Results
Impressions can come from a multitude of sources. They must be judged by the moral will of God and by wisdom. On the basis of that evaluation, the believer determines his response to the impression. Those impressions that conform to God's moral will and to wisdom may be followed.
The presence of peace or the lack of it may or may not mean a decision is the best. The lack of peace may indicate immaturity, fear of one's inability to keep a potential commitment, concern about the wisdom of a course of action, or uncertainty about one's judgment in the decision at hand. The way of wisdom judges the emotional makeup and momentary emotional state of the believer himself as one of the valid circumstances in the situation. That "concerned feeling" should be judged by wisdom. One's emotional makeup should be judged by wisdom. In the final analysis, every good thing comes from God. So any thought, impression, or feeling that is both moral and wise has its ultimate origin in Him.
According to the Bible, God is involved in our decision making at several levels. First, He has provided the resources for making decisions that are acceptable to Him. He has revealed His moral will in its totality. He has instructed us in His Word to seek wisdom for making decisions, and has informed us how to do it. Further, He has given us a new nature which makes obedience of His moral will possible. As a loving Father, He has equipped us with everything we need to make decisions that are pleasing to Him. As we work through the process of arriving at a decision, God is continually present and working within us. The words of Paul remind us that "it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Phil 2:13). Specifically, His grace enables us to trust in Him (Acts 18:27). He gives the believer the desire to obey His will. By His Spirit, He provides the enablement to keep His commandments. Furthermore, it is God who sovereignly opens doors of opportunity for us. When we ask for wisdom, He gives it through the channels He has established for our benefit. He also answers the related prayers we offer concerning our decisions. And He brings to successful completion those of our plans that are within His sovereign will. Along the way, He utilizes the circumstances and the very process of decision- making to change our character and bring us to maturity. Finally, He works through our decisions to accomplish His purposes - not only in us, but through us. We can trust that if anything more is needed for guidance - such as an audible voice, an angelic messenger, or some other form of supernatural revelation - He will supply it just as He has when it was necessary in times past.
WHERE DO I STAND WITH THE LORD?
(Adapted from Discovery Series - What Does God Think Of Me Now?)
(Updated 07/17/03)
As a Christian, where do I stand with the Lord? What really happened the day I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior? Who am I, really, to the Lord? When God looks at me, what does He see?
Is there any better way of answering that question than to say that we are who God says we are?
Before we were Christians, God saw us in a completely different way than He sees us now. He used to see us as:
- condemned (John 3:18)
- lost (Matthew 18:11; 2 Cor 4:3)
- guilty (Romans 3:19)
- spiritually dead (Eph 2:1-5)
- alienated from Himself (Eph 4:18)
- His enemies (Romans 5:10; Col 1:21)
- children of wrath (Eph 2:3).
God saw us condemned because we did not live up to the light He had given us. He saw us as lost because we wandered aimlessly down our own sinful paths. He saw us as guilty because we kept breaking His laws. He saw us as spiritually dead because we had separated ourselves from Him. He saw us as alienated, His enemies, and children of wrath because we kept choosing wickedness instead of goodness.
God, therefore, saw us as needing forgiveness. He saw us as needing to be found. He saw us as needing a Substitute to take away our guilt. He saw us as needing a new birth to make possible a restored relationship with Himself. He saw us as needing reconciliation - a removal of the hostility between ourselves and Him. Otherwise, without these needs being realized and given our unacceptable condition, we would be doomed to be eternally apart from God.
So, what does God think of me now? Every Christian is seen by God as being "in Christ." In the first three chapters of Ephesians, Paul tells us that in Christ we are:
- Blessed with every spiritual blessing (1:3)
- Chosen before the beginning of time (1:4)
- Loved (1:4)
- Predestined (1:5, 11)
- Adopted (1:5)
- Accepted (1:6)
- Redeemed (1:7)
- Forgiven (1:7)
- Given wisdom and understanding (1:8)
- Shown the mystery of His will (1:9, 10)
- Given a guaranteed inheritance (1:11, 14)
- Made "the praise of His glory" (1:12)
- Secured by the Spirit (1:13)
- Recipients of God's power (1:19)
- Made alive together with Christ (2:5)
- Raised up and seated in the heavenlies (2:6)
- Recipients of God's grace and kindness (2:7)
- God's masterful workmanship (2:10)
- Created for good works (2:10)
- Brought near to God (2:13)
- United into one body (2:15, 16; 3:6)
- Fellow citizens with other Christians (2:19)
- Members of God's household (2:19)
- Built for the Spirit's habitation (2:21, 22)
- Partakers of God's promise (3:6)
- Given bold and confident access to God (3:12)
Other parts of the New Testament fill out this picture of who we are in Christ:
- Children of God (John 1:12, 1 John 3:1,2)
- Justified (Romans 3:24; 5:1; 8:30)
- Dead to sin and alive to God (Romans 6:11)
- Recipients of eternal life (Romans 6:23)
- No longer condemned (Romans 8:1)
- Foreknown (Romans 8:29)
- Called (Romans 8:30)
- Glorified (Romans 8:30)
- Sanctified (1 Cor 1:30)
- New creations (2 Cor 5:17)
- Reconciled to God (2 Cor 5:19)
- Righteous (2 Cor 5:21)
- Citizens of heaven (Philippians 3:20)
- Rescued from Satan's power (Col 1:13)
- Placed into God's kingdom (Col 1:13)
- Complete (Col 2:10)
- Perfect (Hebrews 10:14)
- Holy and royal priests (1 Peter 2:5, 9)
- A chosen generation (1 Peter 2:9)
- A holy nation (1 Peter 2:9)
- God's own special people (1 Peter 2:9)
This list shows a tremendous change from the way God saw us before we trusted Christ as our Savior and Lord. We have this privileged standing before God, not because of anything we deserve, but because of who we are "in Christ."
FAMILIES EXPERIENCING TROUBLE
(Adapted from Helping Troubled Families by Charles M. Sell)
(07/17/03 - Bill Bellican)
1. Addictive/Compulsive Families
An addictive or compulsive family member troubles the whole family, just as an injured part of the body affects the whole person. So too family members will compensate for an addicted/compulsive's erratic and unreliable conduct by behaving in ways that might worsen the situation. This may shock spouses and children who thought all their problems would go away once the alcoholic stopped drinking or the workaholic took more time off. They were not aware that the whole family, not just the addict, would need to be fixed.
Dysfunctional Family Organization
1. Addictive/Compulsive Families
Typically a troubled family organizes itself around the troubled person with the person becoming the center around which family members orbit. Families need leadership, the kind that empowers its members to express themselves and mature. The kind of control discussed here results in demoralizing family members and stifling their growth. When family life is regulated by such persons, their chaotic, unpredictable, unmanaged life creates a chaotic, unpredictable, unmanaged household. Individual family members' behavior becomes tied to the troubled person. The tension family members feel makes them describe living at home like "walking on eggshells." The family's adjustment to the addiction or compulsive behavior of one of their members is similar to their accommodating themselves to a parent's working schedule. The effort to make these adjustments is what family systems experts call a process of homeostasis. The family adjusts itself to keep things stable when circumstances disrupt family life. When one person's behavior changes drastically, the family will adjust to that. They'll do this for addicts because they care about them and because his or her welfare is tied to their own.
Because the family members are bound together with the abuser, they cannot simply ignore him or her. The troubled person's erratic, irresponsible behavior becomes unsettling, serious, even traumatic, and family members feel they must do something to get the person to gain control of himself or herself. They will try any commonsense thing to get the person to stop - plead with or threaten him or her, cry, and tell the person how badly they feel. And if those tactics don't work, they pour the person's liquor down the drain or send someone to the bar to tell the drinker to come home. Some of these strategies may work, especially in the case of someone whose addiction problems are not terribly out of control. But if these efforts don't work and the problem persists, the family will make subtle, slow adjustments to accommodate the addict's behavior, even though they don't approve of it.
These families will alter their life in a number of areas including:
*Routines - through routines families maintain some stability and order. A strong family is one where these routines are consistently carried out. When families allow their routines to be determined by someone who is out of control, like an addict, the family behavior will become as inconsistent and chaotic as the addict's life.
*Rituals -- Rituals are routines with an added ingredient - significance. Rituals govern the way the family carries out important activities, like praying together, celebrating special occasions, etc. For an example, a mother with an anger problem, under stress of preparing a Thanksgiving Dinner, might lose control of her temper, dampening the family's holiday mood. If these become regular holiday occurrences, families will begin to expect them and do what they can to lessen the impact. When rituals are modified, their significance may be greatly diminished. Rituals are ruined when the emotions and meanings associated with them are supplanted by the anger and disappointment of having to deal with the problem behavior. It should be noted that all of these alterations in the family are designed to deal with the troubled parent's behavior not by ignoring it or continuing in spite of it but changing to accommodate it. Families least likely to reproduce addicts were those who did not permit the troubled person's presence to disrupt the family's routines and rituals. They distanced themselves instead of accommodated themselves.
*Problem-Solving Procedures - Besides routines and rituals, the family also tries to regulate itself by modifying its problem-solving procedures. These modifications involve doing things to bring a member back into line if that person threatens the family's stability. Troubled families may use two distinct problem-solving methods. First, they vigilantly guard the status quo, because they tend to be unusually sensitive to any destabilization of the family. Once the family has stabilized around the out-of-control person, they appear to be uncommonly threatened by any other change. Dysfunctional families are generally rigid. Strong families are flexible. As children get older and conditions change in the family, the family needs to adjust. Many of these changes are related to the family's life phases. All change (good and bad) is stressful, and it can be both good and bad at the same time - like the birth of a child, for example. Arriving at a life stage may trigger a crisis in the family if it is too rigid to handle it properly. The second distinct feature of the troubled family's problem-solving procedure is using the problem person's behavior to assist the family in dealing with problems. If this happens, the addictive problem becomes a part of the family's normal functioning. This has major implications when, for example, an addict stops drinking. The alcohol that has become necessary for the family to function is now gone. Learning how to operate without it may become very difficult for all of them.
*Family Devastation - These changes are especially devastating because the family's stability now depends on the continued behavior by the addict. This insight helps us understand why it is crucial that the family system change when treating an addictive/compulsive behavior. Otherwise, the system will continue to pressure the troubled persons to stay as they are. Despite the conscious wish to see the troubled person change, family members may have an unconscious desire to have the person continue as he or she is.
Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families
*Enmeshment - This means family members become too closely bonded with each other. Strong families connect in a balanced way. They have a strong sense of togetherness, but it's tempered by allowing members to be independent. They feel close and committed to each other, but their closeness empowers them as separate persons. Enmeshed families, in contrast, allow their connectedness to stifle individuality. They may also swing to the opposite extreme and be so independent that the members are disengaged.
Under the control of a parent, cohesiveness is often forced on the members. In an effort to overcome family shame, efforts are made to keep the family together. Members are expected to be loyal - being together is not necessarily desired; it is required. Members of strong families may get together for Christmas because they want to, but dysfunctional family members do so because they have to. Members of strong families enjoy each other; those of troubled families tend to endure each other. Enmeshment is often referred to as codependence, and it manifests itself in number of harmful ways. Family members sometimes feel too much, depend too much on, or do too much for each other. While some sacrifice is o.k., sacrifice can be harmful, not just to the one who is sacrificing but also to the one for whom the sacrifice is made. Jesus, by His crucifixion, is the greatest example of sacrifice, but His sacrifice was with purpose.
*Inadequate Communication - Dysfunctional families are notorious for their poor communication. They have the now-famous rules: "Don't trust; don't feel, and don't talk." A functional family has no such rules. The rules that keep dysfunctional families from talking come from the "elephant in the living room" phenomenon. The large beast represents the family's problem. Fear and shame keep family members from discussing it. Initially their feelings may be so overwhelming that they deal with them by trying not to feel. Ignoring the most important family matter causes them to ignore other feelings and thoughts as well. Communication is superficial because of the threat of talking about their shame, fear, and depression. The family avoids healthy conflict and urges members not to rock the boat. Their desire for peace at all costs inhibits any authenticity, vulnerability, or transparency. Since they are unable to talk, family members struggle to adapt and survive, employing numerous defenses to ward off the pain. One of those defenses is denial.
*Denial and Reality Shifting - People in dysfunctional families usually have a distorted view of reality. They see the terrible things happening in their homes, yet they don't recognize them for what they are. This denial takes any number of forms. They may minimize the problem. They may consider themselves normal. They may delay doing anything about it, thinking the problem will eventually solve itself. Being in denial causes people to experience what is called "reality shifting." This is when there is a major discrepancy between what is said and what a child experiences. Forcing children to disregard what they experience distorts their sense of what is true and normal, causing them to live in doubt and confusion.
*Wet - Dry Cycle - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde often come to mind when referring to addicts. They have a sober personality and an addicted one - and their families do too. This sobriety-intoxication cycle deprives them of one of the major traits of strong families - consistency. What is so amazing about these cycles is that the family members tend to behave like the addict. Families are not all alike when one of the members is an addict. While some families may feel close to each other, others may feel isolated from one another. Some may be tranquil, others combative. Yet they definitely exhibit two states. During the sober period, the home atmosphere may be very tense with children fearing the addict may move to his/her addiction. The contrast between the two states can be extreme:
| |
dry |
wet |
| |
Promises Made |
Promises Broken |
| |
Overpunitive |
Overcaring |
| |
Rigid |
Adaptive |
This unpredictability and inconsistency can exact a toll on family members.
*Role Reversals -- When one family member becomes increasingly disabled, other family members will begin to carry an extra load to keep the family going. Unlike the teamwork that exists in a healthy family, these responsibilities are unfairly distributed. As a result, the family members bearing the burden begin to feel resentful, angry, and frustrated. But the "don't talk rule" keeps them from confronting the troubled member about his or her irresponsibility. They may also suffer their hard feelings to avoid arguments and uncomfortable scenes.
*Isolation - Troubled families often lack a key factor of healthy family life - contact with those outside the house. They are cut off from the many benefits people receive by being linked to the wider community and their contact with growth-producing relationships is limited. Because the family members are so enmeshed with one another, outsiders threaten the precarious "balance" of codependency. Also, because of their rigidity, they reject others whose ideas and practices may challenge theirs. Keeping the family secret of addiction or abuse makes them shun outsiders. Shame about that secret inhibits their getting close to others. In some cases, this isolation is a contributing cause of the family's problems as well as a result. Physical and sexual abuse can more easily happen where it is unlikely to be detected by members of the community.
2. A Broader View of Addiction
For practical reasons, many experts are taking a broader view of addiction, a biopsychosocial one. They view substance abuse as a complex condition and endorse multiple strategies for dealing with it. Using drugs and alcohol may serve any number or purposes - avoiding responsibility, medicating emotional pain, dealing with a difficult relationship, etc. These behaviors are inadequate ways of coping with the underlying problems that sustain them.
*God in a Bottle - If there were one reason above all others for people becoming addicts, it would be a spiritual one. People worship their addictions. Ironically, for them, spirits replace the divine Spirit. It is a form of selfishness or self-idolatry. The feeling of power and exotic excitement in addiction is an attempt to rise above the routine of living. For this reason, many label addictions idolatry. It is obviously so, since the addict's center of life has become the substance/behavior to which he or she is addicted. Addicts testify that nothing else mattered to them once they became hooked - not family, health, pleasure - nothing was more important to them than satisfying their craving for a fix.
The Old Testament describes idolatry as putting something in front of God. When God commands that we "have no other gods before" Him, idolatry/addictive behaviors consist of putting something/anything in front of God, disguising and distorting God's true face. Every sin emerges from the fact that God is no longer first in our lives but is concealed by something created.
Viewing addiction as a form of idolatry should encourage us as Christians to be confident of our own spiritual resources to treat it. Salvation through faith in Christ and sanctification through reliance on the Holy Spirit strike at the heart of idolatry.
*For Pleasure or Escape - Addicted people are crippled by their past experiences, unable to choose and exercise responsibility for their behavior. Some use addictive behaviors as a way to escape emotional hurt sometimes sourced in their troubled childhood family. People often use addictions not to make their hearts happy but to put their souls to sleep. When people use addictive behaviors to escape suffering, they fail to cope with their problems in functional ways. This only compounds their problems, which don't go away but remain to keep nudging them to return to their "drug" of choice to escape.
Dependence is learned as a result of living in a family where a behavior is rewarded one time and punished the next. Children learn to be dependent on cues from their environment to know how to act. They are often not taught to follow their feelings but rather to follow the actions of another - to react as opposed to act. The perceptive child grows to learn how to watch the family so that under each changing set of circumstances he or she will know how to act. When the cues keep changing and the consequences for mistakes are severe, the child becomes dependent on these external cues to know what to do. By training themselves to trust only external cues, not only do children learn dependency but they also perceive that feeling good can come only from a source outside of themselves. This helps explain why children of addicts learn to depend on others and not themselves in a relationship. Once addiction becomes a problem for them, addicts will continue to use the substance/behavior not so much to obtain enjoyment but to blot out the pain of the disastrous effects their heavy use is causing them. They then search for more relief from the addiction moving farther into the process of addiction. Sobriety means giving up their maladaptive way of coping with their emotions and their troubles. Recovery must include making major life changes.
*Relational and Trust Issues - Sometimes addictive behaviors are blamed on others and other relational factors can be involved in addictions. One's acting out might keep the focus of the problem on the addict rather than other family members. Some use addictive behaviors to draw attention to themselves and excuse themselves from their responsibilities. Addictive behaviors can be used to control others through manipulation or as a way of not being controlled by others. Addictive behaviors can be used to avoid intimacy and the threat of self-disclosing including the risk of rejection. Because of not having healthy relationships, those involved in addictive behaviors may not have learned to trust people. Their emotional isolation from others eventually leads them to establish an emotional relationship with some substance or activity. They turn to it because it is dependable - they can trust it to give them the lift that they need and the nurture that they are unable to receive from others. Addictions are dependable; people are not.
*Stinkin' Thinkin' - The thinking of one involved in an addictive behavior is distorted. One's life can be falling apart, health deteriorating, family in ruins, and job in jeopardy, but he/she seems unable to recognize this. Family and friends may even be taken in by this "addictive thinking" because the addict sounds convincing to friends, pastors, employers, doctors, and even counselors. It is difficult to understand if this perverted reasoning is the cause or the result of the addiction. For example, "Am I addicted because of my intolerable life, or is my life intolerable because of my addiction?" Once the intense craving begins, it affects the person's thinking in much the same way as a bribe or other personal interest distorts one's judgment. The addict's need will be so powerful that he or she will think anything that will justify the next fix. Addicts' illusion of control is part of these rationalizations. Although their lives have become grossly unmanageable, they steadfastly insist they are still in charge. They falsely claim they can quit anytime they want. They do this because they think in terms of minutes, not hours or days. Recovering addicts must patiently stay sober moment after moment.
3. Children and Spouses of Troubled Families
*The Children -- Many children of dysfunctional families (termed CODF's) have to cope with baffling and painful situations. Children who are subjected to abuse of different kinds may receive little or no help from others, mainly because their teachers, neighbors, and church leaders may not realize their plight. Without assistance from others, children try to fix themselves. Clumsily, with childish hands, they suture the wounds, often leaving ugly scars or unhealed lesions that split open in later life. All of this is an attempt to protect themselves from the abuse. The home has the power to produce angry, rebellious, or disheartened children. Families can aggravate serious psychological disorders. Kids under stress can develop an abundance of physical and emotional problems even while in the womb. Many scientists how believe that stress can program a fetus to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, and other disorders in adulthood. So sensitive is the brain to its environment that absence of emotional warmth can kill brain cells. The loss of these cells is devastating during a child's early years, when brain connections require learning skills for language, math, and getting along with others. As infants, if anything interferes with bonding with their mothers, they may have permanent emotional scars that will influence the outcome of the remainder of their development. The extent of the damage done to CODF's depends on lots of factors, for example, when in the life of the child the parent became addicted, how the family reacted to it, how long the addiction continued, and the severity of the abuse and neglect.
Thankfully, despite the severity of the situation, not all of these children will be severely wounded. Psychologists call them resilient or stress-resistant children. Some CODF's may have a strong orientation toward personal growth. They are able to initiate and intentionally engage in the process of self-change. Second, they may possess a trait termed hardiness. Hardy people are actively involved in living, believing they can control their circumstances. Some kids are less affected by their stressful family life because of the presence of another adult in their lives.
The children of troubled families may sometimes feel frustrated and unable to control their own lives. Their helplessness may be compounded by a feeling of failure. This is due to their trying to solve the problem in their family. Kids feel responsible for their parents' problems partly because they are so egocentric, believing they are the cause of most everything that happens around them. But they also may think they are to blame for the problem because the troubled parent tells them they are. Taking such responsibility on themselves is usually destructive to children because they are doomed to failure. Without someone explaining to them that they shouldn't take the weight of the family on their shoulders, they may continue to do this into adulthood and even have trouble stopping then. Their failure to solve the family's problems may make them angry. Thinking their good behavior will make their parents break free from their dependency or compulsion, they may be upset when they don't get the hoped for results. Their anger may take the form of resentment.
Expressing anger is complicated by the attachment the child has for the parents. Besides needing the parents' care, children are taught to love and respect them, making it very hard to accept the anger and hatred they feel. Feelings are mixed - love and hate, pity and disgust, anger and sympathy. The child plays the same Jeckyll-Hyde role the troubled parent is playing. Fear may also keep children from directing anger toward the parent. And the "don't feel, don't talk" rules will make them keep their anger bottled up inside of them. This may cause them to resort to sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, and other passive-aggressive behaviors. They may also overreact to normal events and become extremely angry with people who haven't done anything to deserve such a reaction.
One way CODF's express anger is by reverting back to an earlier stage of development. Also, a child may make light of the stressful situation at home or resort to humor to handle it. Additionally, children may be deeply hurt by a parent's abusive ranting and raving and lack what are known as "self-soothing" abilities. They lack inner resources to calm themselves in the face of severe stress and intense emotions. Finally, children in stressful situations may develop a false self. Instead of the addicted parent's encouraging the children to express themselves and commending them for it, the parent's behavior demands that they become something else. If the parent is also physically or sexually abusive, the squelching of the child's personality can be extremely severe.
Shame is another emotion that inhibits children's development of their true self. Theirs is not a shame for what they have done, but for who they are-an absence of self-respect. The time between eighteen months to three years is a time when a child gains a sense of autonomy. Restricting the child, as dysfunctional families are prone to do, may make them doubt and dislike themselves. Guilt feelings may also develop very early from ages three to six. In an addictive family, the children may receive little affirmation for their ventures and be blamed for innocent mistakes, causing them to feel guilty for attempts to exert themselves.
They will also be shamed by the embarrassing activities of their parents. Their shame may also be due to the fact that all children tend to identify with their parents. Of course, constant parental criticism may result in children's having little self-respect. When little children are verbally harangued by their parents, told they are worthless or bad, they will believe these things. They lack the maturity to realize these messages are lies of an evil, addicted, compulsive person.
Trust will almost always be a problem for the dysfunctional family's children, too. Consistent care teaches them that they can rely on others. If their care is sporadic, harsh, or unkind, they learn to mistrust, making it difficult for them later to form close relationships. Distracted and disturbed, a dysfunctional family may early breed mistrust in children. The inconsistency of the wet-dry cycle probably is enough to instill distrust in a child. Children in dysfunctional families are often compulsive and have a tendency to become addicted to something. Or they may turn to an addiction as an escape from pain. The enmeshed family system has taught them to depend on things outside themselves for happiness and satisfaction. Additionally, children of dysfunctional families are often obsessed with pleasing others.
CODF's cast themselves in various roles. The child may choose the role as a survival tactic, or, because each role performs a function in the family system, the system itself will force the child into the part. Sometimes a specific child will play more than one role or through time switch from one to another. These roles help the family maintain its dysfunctional homeostasis and can eventually be harmful to the children. The following are various roles:
Chief Enabler - shelters the addict from consequences of his or her behavior; cost to them is
martyrdom;
Family Hero - keeps family's self-worth, acts as family counselor; cost is a compulsive
drive;
Family Scapegoat - diverts attention from the addict; cost is possible self-destructive
behavior and often addiction;
Lost child - escapes family stress by emotional and physical separation; cost is
social isolation;
Family Mascot - diverts attention from the addict by humor; cost is immaturity and/or
emotional illness.
Family members learn "addictive logic" to deny the chaos. They learn to lie and say the problem doesn't exist so as not to betray the family. To survive in an addictive system, children learn to deny healthy responses that tell them they are in danger; they have to keep increasing these dishonest coping skills as their situation worsens. Also, a torrent of negative thoughts may be coursing through children's innocent minds: "I can't do anything right; I am a failure; I'm not loved; I will be abandoned; I am ugly and bad…etc." They desperately need someone to tell them these are lies and help them see the truth about themselves and their families.
*The Spouses -- Being married to an addict can be like a ride on a roller coaster - terrifying. Life is chaotic and unpredictable, up one day, down the next, depending on how the spouse is behaving. Emotions fluctuate and are mixed. The dry period, when life is on the upside, inspires hope that it will last, along with nagging fear that it won't. In cases of spousal abuse, the cycle is well documented: abuse followed by remorse followed by forgiveness followed by abuse followed by remorse, and so on. The same happens in addictive marriages: The husband manifests an addictive/compulsive behavior, and the wife gets angry. The husband becomes sober and pleads for forgiveness. The wife forgives, and the two are reconciled. The husband manifests the addictive/compulsive behavior, and the wife gets angry. The husband becomes sober, and on and on. The spouse will probably be experiencing many of the same emotions as the children - fear, anger, helplessness, loneliness, and the like. Some will hate their husband or wife, their bitterness created out of years of broken promises and neglect. Spouses will also blame themselves for their partner's problem. Shame too can be intense. And to cover his or her embarrassment, the husband or wife of the troubled person will strive hard to make a contribution outside the home. He or she may be driven to succeed in the workplace. Some will devote themselves to social work or church ministry. The marriage relationship will deteriorate. Feelings of love that were likely present in the beginning of the marriage will slowly die as the partner's addiction progresses.
Three of the most important marital resources - respect, reciprocity, and reliability - will be challenged. Respect involves conveying to another person (through words, deeds, or simply being present) that the other is of value. By their irresponsible behavior and neglect of family duties, addicts and the like will not be likely to keep this resource in their relationship. Reciprocity in relationships refers to the balance of giving and receiving care and consideration. Not much fairness will be felt in a dysfunctional family where the weight of maintaining the family falls on the addict's spouse and/or children. Reliability refers to the expectation that the person will be there for us on an ongoing, fairly consistent basis. Broken promises and no-shows will destroy this resource. An addiction, like any other violation of the relationship bond, will chip away at trust. People married to the addiction/compulsive behavior often convey to their partners that they are not important. This deterioration of the marriage and emotional struggles of the spouse will sometimes diminish his or her capacity to parent. Sometimes the spouse, wrestling with the partner's addiction/behavior, will dump his or her responsibilities on the children. Because of this neglect, some adult children are angry at the spouse of their addictive/compulsive parent more than they are the one with the addiction/compulsion.
*The Role of Codependency -- Codependency is another form of enmeshment. The spouse of the troubled individual is referred to as the "co-addict." This can be described as one person's addictive patterns aligning themselves with another's so that there is some degree of systemic collusion or addictive pattern. Essentially, a codependent is related to another in an unhealthy way. One person cares so completely for the other that he or she neglects himself or herself, living almost entirely for the other person. Being an enabler is sometimes part of such a relationship. Enablers don't usually consciously do things to help their partner continue his or her destructive behavior. In fact they will probably attack their partner's problem with a vengeance, doing everything possible to get him or her to straighten out. Yet, at the same time, they will do things that facilitate their spouse's behavior. For example, they will protect their spouse from the consequences of his or her actions: phoning his boss to report him sick when he can't go to work because of the addictive behavior; giving money to a wife who has a money related addictive problem; making excuses to the kids for a parent's absence, and so on. Then too the partners contribute to the addicts' problem by facilitating the reorganization of the family around them. Children, too, can play the role of codependent.
Codependents sacrifice unnecessarily and to the detriment of others as well as themselves. Following Jesus' example, Christians are encouraged to make sacrifices, but they are not to make senseless ones. Jesus' sacrificial offering of himself benefited others. But the codependent's sacrifices are harmful to the one for whom they are made. It is not really loving. Love, as conceived in the New Testament, is concern and care for a person's highest good. Preventing an addicted/compulsive spouse from suffering their own consequences is not showing this type of concern and care. This troubled spouse needs to see the results of his/her lifestyle and choices. As Proverbs 19:19 says, "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again." Love is sometimes expressed by not doing something for someone. Also, codependents need to understand that it is not wrong to care for themselves. As indicated in Lev. 19:18 and Matt. 19:19, we are commanded to respect others as we respect ourselves.
Some write that codependency is defined as "a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity." By this, they mean that people who live in enmeshed families develop a tendency to live this way in general, even with people outside the family. Symptoms include the following:
* Thoughts and attitudes dominated by the other person: "I think more about your
life than mine."
* Self-esteem related to the other person: "I value your opinion more than my own; I need to
help you in order to feel good about myself; I need to be needed."
* Emotions are tied to the other person: "When you are hurting, I often react more
deeply than you do."
*Interests geared to the other person: "I know more clearly what you want than what
I want."
* Relationship to others is affected by the other person: "I neglect my friends to get
overly involved in fixing you; I am compulsive about pleasing others, yet I get
upset by their demands on me."
In selecting a mate, some men and women seem to be attracted to a person who needs their care. Besides the obvious shortcomings, one major problem of this type of relationship is the powerful dependence these partners have on each other. They become so enmeshed that they seem unable to function as individuals. They become so intertwined that it becomes difficult for the other to leave the relationship regardless of how dysfunctional it is. Codependents will have considerable psychological distress. They will suffer from poor self-esteem, since they may feel little worth apart from what is derived from rescuing others. They will also suffer from an extreme need to be needed, making them depressed when they feel they are not. Also they may have an unhealthy willingness to suffer, somehow believing that suffering for someone will make that person love them; being a martyr will make them feel rewarded.
Despite codependents' sorry state of affairs, they will have a strong resistance to change. Leaving the troubled spouse, even as a step toward healing, accountability, and re-creation of the marriage, is not an option, because they fear feeling guilty, living alone, or not being able to make it financially.
In conclusion, when we or our families experience trouble, we must call upon the Divine weapons and resources that God has provided us. We must remember that we cannot face the vast array of past and present problems on our own. Therefore, we must keep our focus on the Lord since we don't know how to deal with these things (2 Chron 20:12b). He has the willingness and power to do the impossible, demolish the past and present strongholds that have enslaved us, and make us to be who He created us to be (Phil 2:12; Luke 1:37; 2 Cor 10:3-5).
HEALING FROM INFIDELITY
(Adapted from Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task
of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've
heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the
lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter
trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages.
However, it's important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it's
possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy-
there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience
has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving
relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.
Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully
committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The
unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes
to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be
willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they
can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what
needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people,
marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that
healing typically happens in stages.
If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will
undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions- shock, rage, hurt, devastation,
disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or
eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional
person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at
your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly
normal.
Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve,
it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time.
Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the
affair and you go downhill rapidly. It's easy to feel discouraged unless you
both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the
setbacks will be fewer and far between.
Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have
lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little
interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened,
ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your
spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful
spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the
details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster.
Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes
genuine healing unlikely.
Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to
know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to
the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons
people stray can be quite complex, the "whys" aren't always crystal clear.
No one "forces" anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if
doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why
you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were
you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis?
Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a
sexual addiction?
It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly
lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy,
they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They
complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored.
Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an
affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that
together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem,
consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a
communication skill-building class. There are many available through
religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.
Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the
willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.
You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will
never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to
repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous
are obvious, they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your
commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important
during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.
Conversely, talking about the affair can't be the only thing you do. Couples
who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both
talking about their difficulties and spending time together without
discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to
reconnect and nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat
or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will
be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock
of the affair has dissipated.
Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is
frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do
everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act
trustworthy, and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person
forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself.
Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.
But forgiveness doesn't just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop
blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has
had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in
your life? Decide to forgive today.
A SERVANT'S HEART IN THE HOME
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
After the Garden of Eden, both man and woman, as different as they are, have had to learn to live together on a sin-scarred planet. The Creator not only understood Adam and Eve in all their glory and perfection, He knew the implications of their tragic fall into sin. Yet even with that knowledge, He wasn't about to quit on mankind or on marriage. Just as He had a plan to save and restore their souls, He had a plan to save and restore the joy of marriage.
What is the element that's so essential to the success of our marriage? Servanthood. Our model is Jesus Christ. By applying servant-love, husbands and wives can be freed to welcome the undiluted blessing of God on their marriage. Nowhere is the lofty desire to serve another person brought more quickly down to earth than in marriage. Nevertheless, the success of a marriage rests heavily on a couple's ability to put this bit of wisdom into practice. The more intimate the relationship, the more important a servant-spirit becomes. As you read these verses, envision your marriage through this new paradigm for love -
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard
one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your
own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" (Phil 2:3-4).
It is in the heart - the seat of our intellect, our feelings, and our will - that we invite the Lord of the universe to do that special work which will equip us to launch into a life of service to the one we love. When it comes to living in marriage, what husbands need in themselves and at the center of their marriage union is the heart of a servant. And, yes, the same holds true for wives.
No matter how the husband looks and acts in his role, he'll only be effective if he has the heart of a servant. Likewise for the wife. A servant's heart is the prime directive no matter what shape her roles and responsibilities take day by day. To be what God demands, spouses must first be servants. This requirement is at the core of both of their job descriptions. Your goal in serving is to meet the other person's needs. To do that, you must first identify and understand those needs. Moreover, the servant-lover sees a need and simply does it. It consists of daily little acts that sweeten the relationship a little at a time.
Remember, Jesus the One who did not come to be served but to serve, is the example we need to follow (see Phil 2:5-11). Jesus Christ was both a real man and a servant, the model servant of all time. In His example, we can see that the word servant is not synonymous with terms like fake, wimp, insecure, indecisive, people pleaser, or victim.
To begin to serve, don't focus first on behavior. Check the attitude that's driving how you behave. The servant who honors God is real, genuine, authentic, and serving from the heart of humility.
Despite modern misconceptions, being a servant does not mean relegating yourself to a position of weakness. As a servant, you operate from a position of strength because you're following the example of the all-powerful One who "existed in the form of God." The best servants are those who know their strengths and know what they have to offer their spouses. The goal of a servant-husband or wife is to use whatever gifts, abilities, power, or position you possess to support and serve your spouse.
To serve well, a servant must be secure, not second-guessing, not perpetually wondering or worrying about what others are thinking. The secure husband can humbly serve his wife and not worry about what the world thinks of him. Likewise, the secure wife can respectfully follow the leadership of her husband even if her friends don't understand or agree.
A lot of people think serving is analogous to being taken advantage of, that it's a decision to become subservient to someone else. Serving is not about being taken; it's about choosing to give. Servants like Jesus willingly suspend their rights, privileges, time, and agendas to meet their spouses' needs. Unlike slaves, whose lives of servility are forced upon them, spouses who follow Jesus' example make a deliberate decision to serve. And, in so doing, servants learn to make tough choices.
Too often we fail to serve our spouses because we don't take the time to learn their language. The way men and women think and process things can be dramatically different. You need to enter your spouse's world and learn about those differences. Become a student of your spouse.
A common concern voiced is that my husband/wife is "going to walk all over me. I will be just a doormat." But serving Jesus' way does not demand that you become a doormat. Jesus became a willing sacrifice. What's even more remarkable is that He came obediently to serve, knowing that this outcome (death on the cross) awaited Him. By becoming a willing sacrifice, He secured victory for those He came to serve. Always remember - the difference between a victim and a servant is as pronounced as the contrast between a doormat and a sacrifice. The doormat is a loser, but the one who willingly lays down his life for another is a hero. When we as men and women choose to lay it all on the line to serve the one we love, God honors our sacrificial, servant-love.
When you try to be a servant in marriage, the question of motivation comes up. If I'm serving strictly to please my spouse, or if my motive in serving is simply to get my mate to serve me, I'm in trouble over the long haul. What happens if I give and don't get back? Chances are better than even that pretty soon I'll stop giving. If, on the other hand, my primary motive is to glorify God through the way I love and serve my spouse, then even if he/she doesn't respond, I keep serving. I know my Father in heaven is pleased with how I'm treating my spouse. And if my greatest motivation is to please my God and Savior, then I can keep on serving, keep on loving, keep on giving, knowing that my reward may never come on this planet. My perseverance also boosts the likelihood that my spouse will eventually take notice and respond in kind.
Truthfully, we are to serve one another in the marriage relationship even to the point of radical sacrifice!
THE HUSBAND'S ROLE DEFINED
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. (Eph 5:28-29)
and
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord….and the wife must see
to it that she respects her husband. (Eph 5:22, 33)
These Scriptures are saying simply that men feel loved when they're respected and women feel loved when they're cared for. These are the primary needs of men and women.
The question for men to answer is, "How are you to apply your servant-spirit on your wife's behalf?"
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He
Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also
the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. (Eph 5:23-25)
To live out the high calling of a husband, you must assume the role of a servant-leader. The text clearly states that the husband "is the head of the wife." Unfortunately, extreme interpretations of this text have obscured its intended meaning. Some have said that it has absolutely nothing to do with authority. This is not true. Paul was speaking here of a leadership role for the husband. His emphasis was on how that role is to be carried out. The appropriate model is Jesus Christ. The husband is to lead by following Jesus' example, which means His leadership is not as a dictator, which is not the biblical model for leadership. We are to lead as He leads, as a servant.
Another misinterpretation is the suggestion that husbands and wives are co-leaders in the home. It's true that teamwork is essential for success in marriage. Men and women were created as equals. However, the issue here is not one of equality. It's a matter of responsibility. And the apostle Paul was making clear that responsibility is central to the man's role as the servant-leader. Just as Jesus takes responsibility for the needs of the church, so He expects the husband to take responsibility for the needs of the home. In saying this, we're also acknowledging the husband's responsibility to exercise initiative. If things at home are not as they should be, it's the man's responsibility to get the ball rolling.
A Servant-Husband Sacrifices. A husband sacrifices for his wife. The American Heritage Dictionary defines sacrifice as…forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of someone or something considered to have greater value. It is saying that we're to incur a loss in the transaction as we give ourselves for our wives. Imagine how your love would grow and your marriage would strengthen if every day you looked for ways, large and small, to give up things you value for your wife. And I'm talking here about things that cost you something.
A Servant-Husband Nourishes. In verses 26-29 of Ephesians Paul explained why men are to love their wives sacrificially the way Jesus loved the church:
So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for not one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.
You love your wife by caring for her. Another translation indicates "to pamper" your wife. What Paul was talking about here is meeting the needs of the other person, helping that person grow to maturity. The idea is that you want your wife to blossom. A good husband is to be about the business of attending to the needs of his wife, of helping her become all that God wants her to be. If you tell your wife that your intent is to nourish her, to care for her as you own body, you're making a statement of radical love to her. To nourish her is to do whatever is necessary to see her become all God wants her to be, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. As husbands, our mission in life is to help our wife be "all that she can be. Bottom line, if she's not healthy and growing as a woman of God, it's our job to nourish that growth.
A Servant-Husband Cherishes. We must also cherish our wives. What does this mean? Nothing more or less than to hold dear and to value highly. Cherishing is saying to your wife, "You're number one." It goes beyond just meeting her needs. It's also tuning in to who she is and saying with your words and actions, "You're precious. You're special." If you tell your wife that you choose to cherish her, you're saying she's your top priority. Nothing means more to a man's wife than to let her know there's no one ahead of her on the list of people who matter most. What we are talking about here is the nature of your priorities in the daily world of relationships and the demands of life. Make sure your wife knows where she stands on that list. Tell her with your mouth - often - that you count it a privilege to have her as your wife. There's a big difference between the special treatment a man gives something he deems to be of value versus the routine care he gives something he merely owns. We need both. Every marriage requires routine maintenance to stay in good working order. Part of it comes from the care that's involved in nourishing your wife. But cherishing is essential as well, doing those special things, small and not so small, that communicate that vital message, "You, above all others, are special."
A Servant-Husband Honors. Consider 1 Peter 3:7-
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as
with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir
of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
God says that if you don't honor your wife, the effectiveness of your prayers will diminish. Honor signifies something you give to acknowledge value and worth. Something priceless. The idea is to esteem another person in such a way that you affirm their dignity. God wants our wives to be honored and praised. Every time you honor your wife with your words, follow them up with action. Just ask a simple question: "What can I do to help?"
How can you show honor? Consider:
*Praise her publicly
*Say "Thank You" often
*Open doors for her
*Wait on her joyfully
*Wait on her patiently
*Seek her opinion
*Take her advice
*Respect her feelings
*Bring her a gift
*Listen, listen, listen!
A Servant-Husband Understands. The phrase (in 1 Peter 3:7) as with someone weaker is not a signal of inferiority. The word weaker as used in this context means fragile. Peter was saying that a wife is more like fine crystal than a plastic container. The point is to handle your wife like fine crystal, not like cheap plastic. Be sensitive to her moods, feelings, and needs. She is different by design. She's more fragile, delicate, and tender, often more aware of feelings and emotions than you are, and often more intuitive and interpretive of subtle nuances of communication that the average guy. We're to work at understanding how they think, what their needs are, and how they most desire for us to meet those needs. We need to focus more on listening for the purpose of knowing and understanding our wives. That's more important than listening so that I can fix my wife's problems, which is the typical male approach. Most of the time, what a woman wants if for her husband to love her by listening in such a way that he hears exactly what she's saying and seeks to know her better as a result. Our wives want to know that we care more about them than about their problems.
To sum up, a husband says, "I love you" by caring for his wife…by sacrificing for his wife…by nourishing his wife…by cherishing his wife…by honoring his wife…and by understanding his wife. The beauty is that love expressed like this has a profound impact on a man's wife. It actually sets in motion a cycle of love that creates not only harmony but strength in marriage.
| |
HE FEELS LOVED |
SHE FEELS LOVED |
| |
He gives more care |
She gives more respect |
| |
He sacrifices |
She admires |
| |
He nourishes |
She accepts |
| |
He cherishes |
She supports |
| |
He honors |
She trusts |
| |
He understands |
She respects |
THE WIFE'S ROLE DEFINED
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
A wife has a lot to learn as she tackles the daunting assignment of understanding and loving the man in her life. The average woman may be more sensitive to a man's needs than he is to hers, but she faces some significant challenges. The primary concepts found in God's Word to direct wives in loving their husbands in the servant-wife role include: a) Respect; b) Trust; c) Support; d) Acceptance; e) Admiration.
One issue that needs to be addressed and properly understood deals with submission. Scripture states, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22), and "As the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything" (Eph 5:24). It is clear that God calls on wives to submit, to be subject to their husbands. The very sound of the term submission is enough to offend many modern couples who so want to serve as equals on a team, pulling together to build a quality marriage. A thorough examination of the apostle Paul's concept of submission is essential to understanding God's unique blueprint to marriage, a design that transcends today's culture.
Biblical submission is NOT: inferiority, intellectual suicide, without fulfillment, passivity, or silence.
Submission is not inferiority. Wives aren't the only ones called upon to submit. The Scriptures are clear that even Jesus' relationship to His Father was one of submission. At the height of His anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane He prayed to God, asking to be relieved of the assignment He had been sent to Earth to fulfill. His prayer concluded, however, like this: "Yet not My will, but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42) This act of submission typifies Jesus' relationship with God the Father, but there is never a hint in His words that He was in a position of inferiority. Biblical submission does not place the one submitting in a lesser, or inferior, position.
Submission is not intellectual suicide. Anyone who would suggest that a woman must blindly submit to her husband's leadership needs to know that to make such an assertion is just as irresponsible as suggesting that Christ calls us to come to Him by blind, unthinking faith. The opposite is the case. Jesus challenged those around Him to think, perhaps more seriously than they'd ever thought before. Submission is a choice that follows serious, informed consideration. It's not acquiescence to a second-class role in the relationship. It's a choice to follow another's leadership with your brain in full gear. Again, Jesus as the Son of God may be our strongest proof that submission has nothing to do with intellectual suicide. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are truly equal in Their divine omniscience. However, each has a role to play and each performs that role in perfect harmony and mutual respect. Likewise, a wife who chooses to honor God and love her husband with a submissive spirit should still be highly valued for her God-given wisdom and abilities.
Submission is not without fulfillment. Nothing promises or delivers a deeper sense of satisfaction than the assurance that you're doing the will of God. Wives who submit to their husbands according to the command in Ephesians 5:22 can expect no less. The fact is that real fulfillment is found not in the pursuit of our dream but God's dream. Fulfillment for the Christian man or woman is not being all that you can be; it's being all that God calls you to be. Pleasing God is priority one. Supporting or encouraging your husband to take responsibility for leadership in the home should never, ever be labeled as boring or unfulfilling. The wife still can, and should, play a vital role in the direction of the family.
Submission is not passivity. The verb rendered "be subject to" in Ephesians 5:22 and "be submissive to" in 1 Peter 3:1 is in the present tense, which suggests a habit pattern. It's imperative, meaning it's a command. And it's in the middle voice, meaning this is not something done to a woman but by her. She's actively involved in every aspect of marriage, including this one. It's action oriented with the distinction being that it's done under another's authority. God designed women to contribute fully and significantly to every aspect of the marriage and family.
Submission is not silence. One common misconception about submission is that it condemns wives to suffer in silence when their husbands fail to lead and love as Christ leads and loves His church. No man is perfect, and disappointment, frustration, and exasperation are part of every marriage in pursuit of intimacy. Still, the clear challenge to love with a submissive spirit is given to every wife, even to those wed to men who are missing the mark. In 1 Peter 3:1 God calls wives simply to imitate Jesus. To love that difficult, disobedient, even unbelieving husband without preaching to him, without demanding that he change, without threatening to leave if he doesn't shape up. But does that mean total silence? No! Ephesians 4:25-27 says, "Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." Honesty should never be abandoned in the name of submission. Whether leading or following, never stop being open and honest with your spouse. Silence is as dangerous to your marital health as ignoring pain is to your physical health. When it comes to marriage, silence is never golden.
What does it mean for a woman to submit to her husband as to the Lord? Submission is willingly placing yourself under the leadership of another. This is an "as to the Lord" type of submission. The psalmist was involved in this activity in Psalm 17:8-9 and 61:4. He was hiding, dwelling, taking refuge in the Lord. He was willingly placing his trust in another. He chose to follow his Lord and to trust in Him. That loving, trusting relationship became a place of shelter and refuge. Similarly, the wife's decision to obey God and submit to her husband's leadership is the ultimate expression of respect and trust. It is important to notice the extent of submission expressly stated in Ephesians 5:24 covers everything. This is not a part-of-the-way proposition; not 30 percent, 50 percent, or 99 percent. It's 100 percent. Paul's commands to the husband demand a similarly wholehearted response. He is to love his wife, sacrifice for her, and nourish and cherish her whether she having a bad day or good - 100 percent of the time. However, for those who would distort Scripture to say that a woman must obey her husband, period, note one significant exception. First Peter 3:1 challenges women to submit to their husbands even if they may be "disobedient to the word." But, this is a far cry from submitting to a husband who tells you to disobey God. Paul and the apostles put that notion to rest in Acts 5:29 when they responded to the Jewish authorities who told them to quit teaching in Jesus' Name: "We must obey God rather than men." Coming under the authority of another is never a call to violate the Word of God.
Scripture continues to say, "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body (Eph 5:23). Indeed, "authority over and responsibility for" is the meaning of head, in God's definition of marriage. Not the heavy-handed, harsh rule of the world, but the gentle, loving, sacrificial leadership of a savior. A leader who will give anything to care for his wife. One who takes his responsibility seriously, knowing he will give an account to God for the health and well-being not only of his wife, but of his entire family. Some have incorrectly thought that the statement in Ephesians 5:21, "Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ," negates the following command. This command is actually a consequence of being filled with God's Spirit and calls all of us, men and women alike, to exhibit a submissive spirit whether leading or following, whether husband or wife, whether parent or child, whether employee or employer. However, in each of these relationships someone is told to exercise loving leadership and someone is encouraged to follow. The concepts of submission and headship are anchored in truths that clearly transcend any culture or time in history. They are as relative today as they were in the culture of the time they were written about.
Christ is the Head of the church and the husband is the head of the wife. Jesus is the church's Lord and Leader as well as its Source. He takes responsibility for the life and health of the church, just as the husband takes responsibility for the life and health of his wife. It is in light of this challenge for husbands to lead and love by sacrificially caring for every aspect of their wife's welfare that God then calls the wife to follow. She will someday answer to her Lord in heaven for how she loved and followed her leader on earth.
A Servant-Wife Respects. As important a concept submission is, it is not the only issue or even the main issue contained in Ephesians 5:33 - And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Respect is the real issue for men. Submission is not the end; it is only one means to the end. The real target in God's sights is to see wives shower their husbands with a gentle rain of respect. It is the gift that best says to a man, "I love you." Just as sacrificial love is only a tool, a means of communicating to wives that we care, so submission is only a tool, a means of communicating respect to a husband. Respect, or reverence, is a gift that can be given to men, even imperfect men or ungodly men. First Peter 3:2 clearly calls on wives to win over their husbands by their "chaste and respectful behavior." Moreover, these men are described in verse 1 as men who are "disobedient to the word." That is often taken to refer to husbands outside the faith, unbelievers, but that's not necessarily the case. All too often, it is the Christian who finds himself or herself with a spouse who is less than an angel. Many wives know the challenge of living with a mate who has little to no interest in spiritual things. It is to that wife that God says, "Give the gift of respect to your husband."
A very common statement that floats around this subject is "Trust can be given, but respect must be earned." Is that really true? If by respect we mean a feeling of respect or admiration, then it is true. However, respect used in reference to marriage is not just a feeling; it's an action. It is something to choose to give whether I feel it or not. We do this all the time. A student may not like a teacher, principal, or coach. A citizen may not feel a lot of respect for a particular president, judge, or policeman. However, he or she had better learn to show those figures respect. How much truer this is in a marriage. A wife's feelings of respect for her husband (or a husband's for his wife, for that matter) will grow or diminish as she gets to know him, observing his character and skills. When she feels respect for him, showing it - expressing it - will come easily. However, God isn't calling us to the easy thing, but the harder thing: showing respect whether it's deserved or not. It's the same challenge God gives to husbands. The call to sacrificially love, nourish, cherish, and honor our wives isn't limited to their good days. It extends to every day!
Respect is not optional. It's essential in a healthy marriage. What can you do if you don't have a lot of respect for your husband?
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any
excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.
(Philippians 4:8)
1) Focus on the positive. Stop and take time to identify the good instead of the bad. Tell him and others where he excels; talk about things excellent rather than things deficient. Concentrate on the actions worthy of praise, not criticism. Thank God for what is right about this man, not what is wrong. Every man has some areas that are honorable; talk to others about those areas. Dwell on the lovely, not the ugly; the true, not the false. This may seem hard at first, but trust in God's help to do this, and just do it! Focus on the positive, and see if the negatives don't begin to diminish. However, this takes time, so commit to the positive and stay there.
2) Focus on the position. God calls us to respect the fact that leaders may not always be right, but they are always responsible. God will hold the husband accountable for the condition of the home, so respect that position of responsibility. It is not so much an issue of authority as it is an issue of accountability and responsibility. Respect that position of responsibility and his calling as the leader in your home. Permit me to paraphrase another passage - one written to call the church to respect its leaders - and apply it to marriage.
Obey your leaders (husbands) and (respectfully) submit to them, for they keep
watch over your souls (and your homes) as those who will give an account
(to God). Let them do this (lead out in your marriage) with joy (sensing your support and respect) and not with grief (as you nag them about their shortcomings and poor decisions), for this (type of disrespectful relationship) would be unprofitable for you (and all those in your family). (Hebrews 13:17)
3) Focus on the Lord. Ultimately, our calling is to the lordship of Christ, not to any human being. We must not focus on a husband's worthiness, but on Christ's worthiness. It is our Redeemer, the Lamb of God, whom we serve. It is out of respect and worship to our Sovereign God that we give respect to those He places over us in life. Remember that fulfillment is not about being all I want to be, but about being all God calls me to be. What a difference it makes when my desire for holiness is greater than my desire for happiness. In the end, the desire for holiness is the key to real joy through all the days of my life and my marriage. God wants us to understand that giving a husband respect is not just about trying to please a man. It's about trying to please the One who has showered us all with more respect than we could ever deserve.
A Servant-Wife Trusts. Trust means so much to a man. As a wife encourages and follows the leadership of her husband, that expression of trust becomes a powerful act of love. It says to him, "I believe in you." Again, do not misunderstand the point. Women certainly need to receive trust from their husbands. Everyone, man or woman, yearns to be trusted. But for men that desire is much more intense. Remember, we are different by design. Just as the woman's greater need is to feel that her husband truly cares about her, so the man's greater need is to know that he is trusted by his wife.
A question many women ask is, "How do I trust when trusting isn't easy?" That's a legitimate question. Just as trust is a component of respect, so the solutions for repairing a lack of trust are similar to the solutions that apply to building up a spirit of respect. Just as in that circumstance, you need to focus on the positive, the position, and the Lord.
1) Focus on the positive. Begin by focusing on your husband's strengths. Every man has areas in which he excels. Trust comes easier when you let your mind dwell on those things.
2) Focus on the position. God has called the husband to lead. Remember that God's desire is not to enslave but to bless. The leadership envisioned is one modeled after Christ's sacrificial love at the Cross. It is important that the wife remember that God has called her husband to a position of responsibility and accountability for his family. Just as church leaders will someday give an account for the souls under their care, so husbands will someday stand before God and be accountable for the health and well-being of their family. A wife must trust her husband, let him lead, and encourage him to grow as a leader, for he will someday stand in the presence of God and be held accountable for the decisions and direction of his home. He may not always be right, but he is always responsible.
What if you don't agree with the direction or decision of your husband? Communicate! Share your input and observations. Every man needs help as he leads. Every wise leader seeks to utilize the strengths of his team, especially his number one assistant. Even the best of leaders blows it sometimes, but God still calls us to follow those leaders.
3) Focus on the Lord. It is only possible to trust your husband if your ultimate trust is in the Lord. God never expects a wife to follow a husband into sin. The highest authority and accountability in all our relationships is to our Lord and our God. But when decisions are not a matter of obeying or disobeying our God, that very God calls wives to respect and follow the lead of the man He as brought into their lives. The only way for any woman to do this is to recognize that her hope, ultimately, is not in her husband but in her God. To trust and follow a mere man is only possible as a wife deepens her trust in God. She must believe that God will be her true Source of security and hope. It is only then that she will be able to risk trusting the man in her life.
A Servant-Wife Supports. Another effective tool for loving your husband is to back him up. Every man loves to know that his wife not only believes in him and wants to see him succeed but is also willing to help make it happen. She supports him. She is proud to serve with him and be at his side. The Lord knew men need helpers. A man feels loved when his wife says, "Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'm in. I'm with you. You can count on me." However, there is a fine line between supporting and mothering. Men love to sense support, but often pull away from unsolicited assistance. If you act like a mother, often telling your husband how to do it or how to do it the right way, he will withdraw and feel resentment. If you just can't hold back, then at least give the advice as a suggestion, respectfully. Don't act irritated that he's approaching life or some challenge big or small from a direction different than the one you would have picked. Men do need to honor and listen to the wisdom of their wives. However, every man needs just one mother in his life. When we get married, we need a friend, a lover, a fan who believes in us, one who sticks closer than a brother, a soul mate, a helper who believes in us and loves us just the way we are. Men feel loved when they are supported.
A Servant-Wife Accepts. Acceptance flows from the gift of unconditional love. One of the most common complaints from men is "She keeps trying to change me." The problem is, trying to "fix" a man begins to trigger resistance, even anger. A word that fits perfectly here is: nagging.
It is better to live in a corner of the roof
than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (Proverbs 25:24)
A nagging wife is as annoying as the constant dripping on a rainy day. (Proverbs 27:15 NLT)
The nagging spouse is never happy, constantly complaining. A man feels like no matter what is done, he can never make her happy. Does this mean a wife can never mention a concern or a frustration or offer a suggestion for change to her husband? Submission is NOT silence. Submission is NOT passivity. God wants to use our spouses to help us grow. A man needs to know when his wife's needs or expectations are going unmet. The key is communicate, but don't nag. Share your ideas, concerns, fears, or expectations, but then leave it alone. Give God a chance to work and your husband time to change. Don't bring it up time and time again. And always communicate acceptance. When the marital atmosphere is full of acceptance, approval, and affirmation, feedback will fall on receptive ears. But when a man feels he can never be good enough to please you, he will soon quit trying. Ultimately, the secret to giving such unconditional acceptance is not found in a wife's relationship with her husband but in her relationship with God. As long as God is left out of the formula, she will think the responsibility to change her husband falls to her. Without acceptance and the respect that comes with it, the husband will most likely withdraw into passivity or flee to another woman who gives him that respect.
Again, what if the man is far from perfect. Scripture in 1 Peter 3:1-2 shows how God has it figured out. Nagging a man never gets the best result. It never draws him to you or to your faith. But a respectful spirit, full of loving acceptance, can draw the unbeliever or disobedient husband like a magnet toward his wife and her faith.
A Servant-Wife Admires, Appreciates, and is Affectionate. Admiration, appreciation, and affection. Men yearn for all three and love to know someone thinks they are special. This in no way minimizes the need for women to be and feel "cherished" by their husbands. But somehow, these qualities seem to mean even more to men than to women. And when it comes from their wives, the impact of receiving these qualities goes up dramatically. Keep the following unique differences concerning men in mind:
1) Men are turned on by praise. Praise is a powerful tool that means much to a man.
2) Men appreciate attention to physical beauty. Men are drawn to the physical far more than
women are. When a man's wife takes the time to make herself look good, it is an expression of
love.
3) Men highly value physical affection. For men, affection begins with respectful admiration and builds with sincere appreciation. But it is the sexual relationship with his wife that best says, "I love you." It is crucial for the wife to understand that most husbands value this physical act of love more highly than their wives do. God speaks to the importance of the physical relationship in marriage:
But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have
her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
(I Cor 7:2-5)
Sex is a responsibility, not a right. It is about giving, not getting; about pleasing more than pleasure. Of course, the beauty of this mysterious act of love is that the more you give, the more you're likely to receive. According to God's blueprint, your body belongs to your spouse. Therefore, work at saying yes to one another. Focus on giving pleasure to your husband.
Does this mean you should do whatever he wants, not matter how you feel? Not necessarily. The application of this text must be keep in mind the rest of God's directives for husbands and wives, such as:
1) "[Speak] the truth in love" (Eph 4:15);
2) "Be angry, and yet to not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Eph 4:26);
3) "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit" (Phil 2:3);
4) "Do not [just] look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others"
(Phil 2:4).
Keep in mind that just as the wife's body is under the authority of her husband, so also the husband's body is under the authority of the wife. God always provides for balance. God, knowing our differences, calls both, men and women, to be givers, not takers, in the sexual relationship. This may call the average husband to focus on greater patience and sensitivity and the average wife to take seriously the sexual needs of her husband. God's advice to wives is "just say yes" as often as possible. Make your sexual relationship a priority. Don't ignore the fact that in 1 Cor 7:5 Paul placed your sexual relationship right after your prayer life in importance. God says that if we really need to "just say no," then we should follow these four guidelines from that verse:
1) "Stop depriving one another" - don't say no often;
2) "Except by agreement" - talk about it;
3) "For a time" - make it the exception, not the rule;
4) "Come together again" - plan and keep it a priority.
| |
HE FEELS LOVED |
SHE FEELS LOVED |
| |
He gives more care |
She gives more respect |
| |
He sacrifices |
She admires |
| |
He nourishes |
She accepts |
| |
He cherishes |
She supports |
| |
He honors |
She trusts |
| |
He understands |
She respects |
Biblical Principles for Stress Management and Reducing Hurry
(Adapted from REST: Experiencing God's Peace in a Restless World by Dr. Siang-Yang Tan)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
- Romans 12:2; Philippians 4:8; Psalm 43:5. We need to be transformed by the renewing of our minds or thinking: to tell ourselves the truth from Scripture and focus on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable; to choose to think on these things that are excellent or praiseworthy.
- Matthew 6:25-34; 1 Peter 5:7; Psalm 55:22; Romans 8:35-39; I John 4; Isaiah 41:10; 43:1-4; Zephaniah 3:17; Deuteronomy 33:27; Psalm 23. These passages from Scripture emphasize God's love and care for us and our preciousness and worth to God. Yet, in this fallen world, trials and difficulties, including stress, are part of our life. But we can grow through them as the Lord helps us (Jn 16:33; Jas 1:2-4; Phil 4:13). Even the stress or struggle of spiritual warfare against the devil
(1 Pet 5:8-9) and spiritual forces of evil (Eph 6:11-12) can be an experience of victory and growth through submitting to God and resisting the devil (Jas 4:7), learning to be strong in the Lord and His mighty power, and using the armor of God, especially prayer and the Word of God (Eph 6:10-18). We can rest in the Lord, even in spiritual warfare, knowing that He has already won the spiritual victory for us (Col 2:15; Heb 2:14). The Lord reminds us that the battle is His, not ours: He will undertake for us and bring victory and deliverance (2 Chron 20: 15, 17; I Sam 17:47). Not by might nor by power, but by His Spirit! (Zech 4:6). As the Lord told Moses, so He reassures us afresh: "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" (Ex 33:14).
- Matthew 11:28-30; Luke 10:38-42. Jesus will give us rest, but we need to have humility and meekness and come to Him and sit at His feet, spending or "wasting" time with Him, listening to His voice.
- Mark 6:31. We need to take time off to rest, as well as to keep the Sabbath weekly to cease from work so we can rest and worship (Ex 20:8-11; Dt 5:15; Mk 2:27).
- I Corinthians 13. Love is the key to what really counts in life from God's eternal perspective and not from materialistic criteria of success. A correct biblical perspective on true success is crucial for managing stress and growing through it. It is essential for us to understand that God's ways and standards are often different from our human ways and standards: His ways and thoughts are higher and better (Is 55:8-9). God judges the heart: internal motives are critical, and whatever is highly valued by the world is detestable in God's sight (Lk 16:15)!
- Habakkuk 3:17-19. The true basis of life and fulfillment is the Lord Himself and Him only! Let us learn to rejoice in the Lord and be joyful in God our Savior, despite difficult or bad circumstances, and have our deepest satisfaction in Him. Praise and worship of God are powerful stress busters!
- Philippians 4:4-9. To overcome anxiety and stress, rejoice in the Lord always (v.4); be gentle (v.5); pray with thanksgiving (vv.6-7); think biblically (v.8); and act appropriately (v.9).
- Romans 8:28. Know and believe God's blessed assurance that in all things, He works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. There is ultimate meaning and good in our lives. Our present suffering cannot be compared to the glory that shall be revealed in us and in heaven to come (Rom 8:18; 2 Cor 4:16-18).
A WAY OF HOPE - ABUSE
(Adapted from Family Life Today/A Weekend to Remember)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
You Are Not Alone
When you are abused, you feel desperately alone. You may think, Why me? Other women don't have this problem. Something must be wrong with me. And you may feel so ashamed that this is happening to you that you don't want anyone to know about it. But the truth is that many wives suffer some form of domestic abuse regardless of racial, religious, educational or economic backgrounds.
According to the American Medical Association, husbands and boyfriends severely assault as many as four million women every year. One in four women will experience some type of spousal abuse during their lifetime. Many of these women feel trapped, anxious, afraid, and helpless. Some feel they are to blame - that if they could just do better at pleasing their husbands, they could change their situations. Others don't know what to do, or where to go to get help. Most suffer in silence, hiding their situations from family and friends because of the shame and embarrassment they feel. Or perhaps they fear others will not believe them.
No, you are not alone. But there is hope! Many women have taken bold and courageous steps to seek help, to find freedom from abuse, and to begin the journey toward to a new life. Some have even seen their abusers find the help they desperately needed to stop their destructive behavior and to experience healing and recovery in their own lives. Some couples, through the help of intervention and a structured recovery process guided by pastors or qualified counselors, have been able to experience healing and reconciliation in their marriages.
Yes, it is true that change does take time, a lot of courage, and a great deal of support, but change can happen. And if you are in an abusive situation, change must happen.
What Is Abuse?
A crucial first step in this process will be to acknowledge and understand the abuse occurring in your marriage. Abuse means to mistreat or misuse someone. People abuse others to dominate or control, or to prevent others from making free choices.
There are several different forms of abuse:
*Emotional or psychological abuse: Mistreating and controlling someone through fear, manipulation, and intimidation, and by attacking that person's sense of self-worth. The abuser seeks to make his wife feel afraid, helpless, confused, and worthless. This form of abuse includes: name-calling, mocking, belittling, accusing, blaming, yelling, swearing, harassing, isolating from family and friends, abusing authority, withholding emotional support and affection, and betraying trust.
*Physical abuse: Assaulting, threatening, or restraining a person through force. Men who batter use physical violence to control women - to scare them into doing whatever they want them to do. Physical abuse includes: hitting, slapping, punching, beating, grabbing, shoving, biting, kicking, pulling hair, burning, using or threatening the use of weapons, blocking you from leaving a room or the house during an argument, driving recklessly, or intimidating you with threatening gestures.
*Sexual abuse: Behavior that dominates or controls someone through sexual acts, demands or insults. Sexual abuse includes: making you do sexual things when it is against your will, when you are sick, or when it is painful; using force (including rape in or out of marriage), threats, or coercion to obtain sex or perform sexual acts; forcing you to have unprotected sex, or sex with others; treating you like a sex object, and calling you names like "frigid" or "whore."
Facing the Facts … And Facing Your Fears
Denying the abuse or the impact of abuse may have helped you to cope with the problem until now. However, denial is also the very thing that will hinder you from breaking the cycle of violence in your life, and from experiencing peace and freedom from abuse.
Facing the fact that you are being abused or battered by your husband, and that his behavior is not normal, can stir up deep emotional feelings - especially fear. You must acknowledge these fears in order to face and deal with the problem. In her book, Invisible Wounds - A Self-Help Guide for Women in Destructive Relationships, Kay Douglas writes, "Unacknowledged fears play on our minds and sap our confidence until we have no energy left to deal with the problems at hand. The way out of fear is through it." She goes on to say, "As we face and feel our vulnerability, our fear may increase in intensity for a brief time. Then it begins to diminish. When we know what we are dealing with, much of the power of that feeling goes. We move through fear to a calmer, stronger place within. Having faced the worst, we are free to put our energy into coping creatively with our situation."
It's Time to Make the Right Choices
You do not deserve to be abused, nor are you to blame for the abuse that you have suffered. Abuse of any type is wrong, and if you are in an abusive situation, the first step toward new life and freedom is to recognize that there is a need for a change in your life. Change can be difficult, and in some cases, change can be frightening. However, in any type of an abusive situation, change is absolutely necessary for your own well being.
Remember, abuse is about power and control. You may be experiencing verbal or emotional abuse now. But if changes are not made to resolve your current situation, then when your husband begins feeling as if he still does not have enough control, the abuse will escalate into more violent forms. According to some authorities, when abusers hit or break objects or make threats, almost 100 percent resort to physical battering. What might be verbal abuse now could turn into physical abuse down the road. No form of abuse is acceptable!
Contrary to what you may believe, you are not powerless! You are a worthwhile person and you do not have to continue to accept the mistreatment of your husband. You have the power to make your own choices.
CHRISTIAN LIBERTY
(Adapted from Ethics for a Brave New World by John Feinberg & Paul Feinberg)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
The Bible offers guidelines that can help Christians decide which activities are acceptable for them. These guidelines may be stated as eight questions (tests) that each Christian must face when deciding whether or not to indulge in a given activity. If one answers any negatively, he should not do it. Each person must ask and answer for him self alone before the Lord.
- Am I fully persuaded that it is right?
Paul says (Rom. 14:5, 14, 23) that whatever we do in these areas, we must be persuaded it is acceptable before God. If we are not, we doubt rather than believe we can do this and stand acceptable before God. If there is doubt, though, Paul says there is sin. So if there is any doubt, regardless of the reason for doubt, one should refrain. In the future, doubt might be removed so one could indulge; but while there is doubt, he must refrain.
- Can I do it as unto the Lord?
Whatever we do, Paul says we must do as unto the Lord (Rom. 14: 6-8). To do something as unto the Lord is to do it as serving Him. If one cannot serve the Lord (for whatever reason) in the doing of the activity, he should refrain.
- Can I do it without being a stumbling block to my brother or sister in Christ?
Much of Romans 14 (vv. 13, 15, 20-21) concerns watching out for the other brother's or sister's walk with the Lord. We may be able to indulge, but he or she may not have faith to see that the activity is morally indifferent. If he or she sees us participate, he or she may be offended. As much as possible, we must avoid giving offense in these areas. This, however, does not mean one must always refrain. Paul's advice in 14:22 is helpful. For the one who believes he can indulge, his faith is right, but let him have it before God. In other words, he need not flaunt his liberty before others. It is enough for him and the Lord to know he can partake of these practices. In sum, if one truly cares about his brother's or sister's walk, sometimes he will refrain, and at other times he will exercise his liberty privately.
- Does it bring peace?
In Rom. 14:17-18 Paul says the kingdom of God is not about things such as the meat we eat or what we drink. Instead, it is about righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. Thus, believers should handle these matters so as to serve Christ. How would one do that? Paul instructs us (v. 19) to do what brings peace. Certain practices may be acceptable for one person, but if others saw him indulge, it might stir up strife between them. Hence, one must do what brings peace.
- Does it edify my brother?
The command to do what edifies is in the same verse as the charge to do what brings peace (14:19). By juxtaposing the two demands, Paul makes an important point. Some activities may not create strife with another Christian, but they may not edify him either. One must choose activities, which both bring peace and edify.
- Is it profitable?
In 1 Cor. 6:12 Paul addresses the issue of Christian liberty, and he reminds believers that morally indifferent practices are all lawful, but they may not all be profitable. They may be unprofitable for us or for our brother. For example, no law prohibits playing cards, but if my card playing causes a brother to stumble, it is unprofitable for me to indulge. If the act is unprofitable, I must refuse to do it.
- Does it enslave me?
(1 Cor. 6:12). Many activities, wholesome and valuable in themselves, become unprofitable if they master us more than Christ does. As John warns, Christians must not love the world, but are to love God instead (1 John 2:15ff.). It is not that everything in the world is evil and worthless. Rather, our devotion and affections must be focused first and foremost on God. If we are to be enslaved to anything or anyone, it must be Christ.
- Does it bring glory to God?
Paul discusses Christian liberty in 1 Cor. 10, and in verse 31 he sums up his discussion by saying that whatever we do in these areas should bring glory to God. How does one know if his actions bring God glory? We would say at the least that if one answers any of the other seven questions negatively in regard to a particular activity, he can be sure he will not bring God glory if he indulges. Conversely, if the activity is acceptable on those other grounds, it should be acceptable on this ground as well.
In sum, Scripture distinguishes actions covered by moral absolutes and those that are not. Believers must make up their own minds (under the Holy Spirit's leading) on what to do in matters of Christian liberty. Personal preferences must not be imposed on others. In deciding what to do, one should use these eight tests taught by Paul. Each one must answer those questions honestly before God. Whatever decision stems from that process of questioning, each must have the integrity to obey.
GRACE: FORGIVENESS OFFERED & RECEIVED
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
After God created men and women, one of their earliest acts as Earth's first human inhabitants was to mess up.
Marriage is at times the most important and most difficult relationship in which to practice biblical forgiveness. It's the most important because it is this relationship of a man and a woman that serves as a metaphor for the redemptive relationship between Jesus Christ and His church. It's difficult because, despite the many differences between men and women, we share the dangerous tendency to shirk responsibility and blame the other person.
Knowing how to forgive is going to be part of the requirements for both partners in a marriage if they intend to have a healthy union and if they hope to bring the joy back into their home.
What should characterize a relationship in which forgiveness flows freely?
Forgiving is a tough assignment under the best of circumstances. It's excruciatingly difficult in a relationship where little groundwork has been done to create enough wobble room to allow for offenses, mistakes, and disappointments, let alone apologies, repentance, and healing.
What are grace relationships?
The end of Ephesians 4 should be a great relief to anyone who needs to be reminded that God understands the realities and struggles that accompany living by faith in a flesh-and-bones body. First, the text acknowledges emotions that we all battle - bitterness, wrath, and anger - and the kind of behavior they trigger: clamor and slander. But we also learn that God has emotions, too. It says in verse 30 that we're not to "grieve the Holy Spirit of God." And there's a reason that our wounds and the wounds we inflict on others break God's heart. It grieves Him to think that His children, the offspring of the God of grace, refuse to give the one gift He lavishes on all - forgiveness. God understands our hurts because we hurt Him daily. We fall short of His expectations. We make promises we do not keep. Our sin truly causes God to grieve. But He, the injured One, the innocent and Holy One, still holds out forgiveness.
God doesn't just empathize with our struggle. He gives us a remedy for the pain we inflict with the hurtful words and actions that erupt when we lose control of our emotions. That remedy is forgiveness, and grace relationships are the environment in which it can be applied.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away
from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted,
forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Eph. 4:31-31)
We have all endured offenses from people. Often we feel justified in lashing out at them. We feel angry - and rightfully so. But the text suggests an alternative response. It says that we're to "put away" those reactions. We're to hold back our bitterness and forgive, "just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Do you know what the Bible calls that kind of unexpected response? Mercy. Just as the world was shocked when Christ extended mercy on Calvary, so a merciful reaction to a wrong suffered will raise eyebrows today. First, all kinds of positive options become available when you choose to respond mercifully - anger can be diffused, dignity can be preserved, gratitude can grow, and peace can be restored. Conversely, a host of other options surface if you receive mercy when you know you deserve much worse. These options include the possibilities that joy can be retrieved, confidence can be rebuilt, and trust can find a fresh footing.
Making room for mercy is only half of the equation, though, for developing a grace relationship. It's not only a matter of withholding the hellfire that seems like such an appropriate wage for wrongs suffered, of not giving what someone deserves. Paul suggested that we go a step further, that we repay callousness with kindness, and ill treatment with tenderheartedness. This kind of response is grace personified. Mercy and grace are essentials for every marriage, whether in crisis or just for routine maintenance and care.
MERCY: Not giving someone what they deserve
GRACE: Giving someone what they do not deserve.
We all like being let off the hook. That's mercy. But grace is so much sweeter and rejuvenating to our marriage. It doesn't just hold back the wrath; it delivers the gift instead. That's grace.
What do mercy and grace in action look like?
The illustration Paul provided is Christ at Calvary. "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him" (John 3:17). Here you have the Son of God humiliated, enduring mankind's most gruesome, torturously slow form of capital punishment, without cause. For that heinous offense, and every other one before and since, we deserved judgment, but God withheld it. That's mercy. If that wasn't amazing enough, He suspended our death sentence and offered salvation instead. And you know we didn't deserve it. That's grace. Mercy put us back in neutral with God. No longer His enemy. But grace went beyond fixing the enmity; it declared us to be friends of God (1John 15:14). Better yet, children of God. No, even better yet, coheirs with Christ with an inheritance:
To obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will
not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the
power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the
last time. (1Peter 1:4-5)
What is a model for both giving and receiving forgiveness we can look at?
It is found in Hebrews 10: 17-22:
"And their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more."
Now where there is forgiveness of these things, there is no longer any
offering for sin.
Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the
blood of Jesus, by a new and living way that He inaugurated for us through
the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God,
let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts
sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
This model hints at four aspects of grace giving.
Grace chooses not to get even. The heart of forgiveness is when I resist the temptation to even the score and choose to forgive instead. This is true of God and how He forgives us. "Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more" is what the text says (Heb. 10:17). Just as God says He won't punish us for what we've done, we follow His example when we choose not to get revenge. We find the same message in Paul's letter to the Romans when he said, "Never pay back evil for evil to anyone" (Rom. 12:17). This releasing of the right to get even is at the heart of forgiveness between you and me, between me and my wife, between you and your spouse. If I have a forgiving heart, I never pay back evil for evil to anyone. I freely give up any intention of getting even.
It helps if I realize that this isn't easy. It goes against my innate desire for justice. Justice is giving someone what they deserve. But marriages aren't built on justice. Grace breaks the cycle of revenge and triggers a process of repair. It replaces pain with pleasure, cruelty with kindness, cutting words with compliments. Grace has the power to truly turn things around. And it begins by surrendering my suppressed right to get even.
Grace chooses not to keep score. "I will remember no more" (Heb. 10:17) is what God says of our sinful ways. What makes this statement so significant is that it's a choice to forget our offenses, to put them out of His mind. Similarly, when we say we forgive and forget, we're expressing a decision to let go of the offense and a refusal to hold it against the offender anymore. We find the same sentiment expressed in Paul's first letter to the Corinthian church:
Love…does not take into account a wrong suffered (1Cor. 13:5).
Forgiving means choosing to forget, to not bring the offense up again. Lewis Smedes addressed this mandate in his book Forgive and Forget,
When you forgive someone for hurting you, you perform spiritual surgery inside your soul; you cut away the wrong that was done to you….Detach that person from the hurt and let it go, the way a child opens his hands and lets a trapped butterfly go free.
It's not that we literally forget past offenses. That's impossible. God in His omniscience doesn't literally forget my sin. But, He will choose to give up His right to punish me. And He will not choose to present me with a listing of all the debts I must repay before enjoying the fruits of heaven. That's grace in action.
In our marriages, we have that same choice every day, from the moment we say, "I do." I don't just bury the hatchet; I choose to not even mark the grave, because I'm never going back.
Grace chooses not to be demanding. When the text says, "Now where there is forgiveness of these things, there is no longer any offering for sin" (Heb. 10:18), God is letting us off the hook. He's telling us that grace is unconditional. All of our sin has already been covered at the Cross. Paul states the heart of this unconditional grace in Romans 11:6:
But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace is no longer grace.
Notice the definition we're being given here. The bible is saying that you cannot claim to give grace to someone if you insist on attaching phrases like "I will forgive you if….," or, "I will forgive you when…" Add demands such as these and you are no longer offering grace. You're requiring a wage or some kind of payment before you will act, and grace will have no part of such an arrangement. And neither should you if you're hoping to see forgiveness do its divine work in your marriage. You have to stop demanding when you've been wronged by your wife or husband.
Is that a touch assignment? You bet it is, because at times you feel justified in attaching conditions. You want to be clear about the consequences if no repentance occurs and nothing changes. Let me offer one clarification. I'm not saying that you can't be honest. Honesty is not even optional; it is demanded. But be honest and express your hurts and expectations (God certainly does!) in an atmosphere of grace. God doesn't threaten to throw us out of the family, but he does communicate His disappointments with the past and His expectations for our relationship in the future. And He motivates us to respond by engulfing all of this honest communication in grace and unconditional love.
Grace chooses not to withhold love. After God said in the tenth chapter of Hebrews that "their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more" (v.17), He followed this promise with an invitation to reconciliation:
Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus….let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.
(Heb. 10:19, 22)
God is saying that not only does He want to forgive you, but He also wants to encourage you to trust His forgiveness and draw near to Him so that your relationship can get back on track. Apply this approach in your marriage and your response to an offense is to invite your spouse back into a reconciled love relationship. We see this spirit of reconciliation expressed concisely in Romans 12:18, 21:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men….Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
The signal here is clear. You, the offended one, are to be taking the initiative and inviting repair, renewal, and reconciliation. Rather than withholding love, you extend it, selflessly. Lewis Smedes put it this way:
You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.
As you consider an area or an incident in your marriage that has required forgiveness, and you feel you've found the grace to extend that forgiveness, it's healthy to ask yourself, "Do I wish my husband/wife well?" If the answer is yes, then you've exercised grace. You've forgiven and forgotten, unconditionally and in the healthiest sense of those terms, and you've invited reconciliation. That's exactly how God forgives us when we sin against Him, and it's our model for forgiving each other as well. While this brand of grace-guided forgiveness can be tough to pull off, you'll also find that it's able to restore relationships that have endured some of the toughest attacks.
What is the model for receiving grace?
Sometimes it seems the only lesson in life that's harder than learning how to forgive is learning how to receive forgiveness. Much has been said about looking to Jesus as our role model for offering grace, but reconciliation can be short-circuited by a failure on the other end, the receiving end. The "guilty" partner is unwilling to receive or sees no need to receive forgiveness. God offers forgiveness, but for us to be restored and reconciled, for the relationship to be healed, the guilty party must have the right spirit. The Bible calls it repentance. Fortunately, God gives us a model. We're to receive forgiveness the same way He tells us to receive salvation.
Let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
(Heb. 10:22)
If you've offended your spouse and are seeking forgiveness, this verse and those immediately following it are your road map to reconciliation. Here you have a guide for authentic restoration. It starts with attitude.
* A Humble Heart, seeking mercy, not grace.
* A Repentant Heart, eager to change.
* A Committed Heart, reaffirming your vows.
* A Loving Heart, ready to work.
Come with a humble heart, seeking mercy, not grace. If I've wronged my spouse, I deserve nothing from him/her. Certainly not grace. The only appropriate way to approach my spouse is the way I approach God when I'm seeking a restored relationship with Him. "God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" (see Luke 18:13). I should seek only mercy, which we've already learned is to have the one I've offended not give me what I deserve. "Be merciful to me, a husband/wife" says I'm bringing no expectations to the table. What I receive is entirely my spouse's call. I demand nothing, but humbly seek mercy.
Come with a repentant heart, eager to change. So I come seeking only mercy. Can I at least hope for grace? Sure! But it rightfully hinges on my response to my own selfishness. As the offender, I must have a heart to clean up my act. I don't come simply appealing to my spouse's merciful nature. I come saying I'm aware of my error and am willing to walk away from it….to change my ways. And I need to be willing to solicit my spouse's help in figuring out what kind of changes need to take place. I need to let my spouse tell me what needs to change to improve our relationship.
Come with a committed heart, reaffirming your vows. Hebrews 10:23 states, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. When I return to God, I lay hold of my confession of faith…my covenant with Him. When I come to my spouse requesting forgiveness, I need to say, "By the way, I want you to know that I'm committed to our relationship." I need to assure my spouse that my misbehavior is a lapse in judgment, not a signal that I'm bailing on my commitment. After enduring angry words or unkind remarks or extended insensitivity or worse, it may not seem logical, but it would be perfectly normal for a spouse to wonder whether those offenses revealed cracks in the foundation of the relationship. You need to squelch that reaction quickly and clearly. Assure your spouse of your unconditional, lifelong commitment to your marriage. This is crucial to restoration when the relationship has been wounded by infidelity. Your spouse needs you to look deeply into his/her eyes and express the reality of your contrition and depth of your commitment.
Come with a loving heart, ready to work at the relationship. There needs to be a recommitment to let your spouse know you mean business when it comes to your marriage. To communicate this message, it might sound like this, "Honey, let's get our schedules back under control. Let's spend more time together. Help me to be the kind of husband/wife I need to be." That's what it means to work on the relationship. Whether you are on the giving end of grace or the one receiving it, you're engaged in one of life's most arduous assignments. When we've been wronged, forgiveness runs absolutely counter to our nature. And when we've injured the one we love, a battle rages within as we try to rationalize our behavior and minimize our responsibility. The idea of coming clean and throwing ourselves at the mercy of the one we've offended, expecting nothing in return, flies in the face of our senses of pride and self-preservation. But according to the Lord's Plan, it's the only way to go.
In Conclusion………
Forgiveness is not an easy assignment. No getting around it. Forgiving another person is difficult under the best of circumstances. The assignment becomes terribly more difficult when there's a high probability the forgiveness you're extending will be abused. Knowing the example the Lord set for us gives us hope in finding the capacity to forgive even when the prospect of doing so seems infinitely beyond our ability to do so. Jesus came to the Earth with forgiveness as His mission. He sinlessly lived among a sinful people for thirty-three years, allowed this sinful people to brutalize Him, and then, "while [they] were yet sinners" (Rom. 5:8), gave up His Life for them. As unthinkable and remarkable as this was, Jesus abdicated to the authority of His Father: "Yet not as I will, but as You will." (Matthew 26:39)
Can the offer of forgiveness be abused? You bet it can. However, the call to forgive is an essential for every healthy marriage. No marriage is free of failure. Therefore, every partner in marriage must learn to forgive, even if the forgiveness and grace is abused. The one who takes advantage of a forgiving spouse will answer to God someday for abusing the gift of grace. But the one who withholds grace, fearful it might be abused, will stand accountable to the same god of grace. So give it generously, just as it is delivered daily to you from above.
FAMILIES EXPERIENCING TROUBLE
(Adapted from Helping Troubled Families by Charles M. Sell)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
1. Addictive/Compulsive Families
An addictive or compulsive family member troubles the whole family, just as an injured part of the body affects the whole person. So too family members will compensate for an addicted/compulsive's erratic and unreliable conduct by behaving in ways that might worsen the situation. This may shock spouses and children who thought all their problems would go away once the alcoholic stopped drinking or the workaholic took more time off. They were not aware that the whole family, not just the addict, would need to be fixed.
Dysfunctional Family Organization
Typically a troubled family organizes itself around the troubled person with the person becoming the center around which family members orbit. Families need leadership, the kind that empowers its members to express themselves and mature. The kind of control discussed here results in demoralizing family members and stifling their growth. When family life is regulated by such persons, their chaotic, unpredictable, unmanaged life creates a chaotic, unpredictable, unmanaged household. Individual family members' behavior becomes tied to the troubled person. The tension family members feel makes them describe living at home like "walking on eggshells." The family's adjustment to the addiction or compulsive behavior of one of their members is similar to their accommodating themselves to a parent's working schedule. The effort to make these adjustments is what family systems experts call a process of homeostasis. The family adjusts itself to keep things stable when circumstances disrupt family life. When one person's behavior changes drastically, the family will adjust to that. They'll do this for addicts because they care about them and because his or her welfare is tied to their own.
Because the family members are bound together with the abuser, they cannot simply ignore him or her. The troubled person's erratic, irresponsible behavior becomes unsettling, serious, even traumatic, and family members feel they must do something to get the person to gain control of himself or herself. They will try any commonsense thing to get the person to stop - plead with or threaten him or her, cry, and tell the person how badly they feel. And if those tactics don't work, they pour the person's liquor down the drain or send someone to the bar to tell the drinker to come home. Some of these strategies may work, especially in the case of someone whose addiction problems are not terribly out of control. But if these efforts don't work and the problem persists, the family will make subtle, slow adjustments to accommodate the addict's behavior, even though they don't approve of it.
These families will alter their life in a number of areas including:
*Routines - through routines families maintain some stability and order. A strong family is one where these routines are consistently carried out. When families allow their routines to be determined by someone who is out of control, like an addict, the family behavior will become as inconsistent and chaotic as the addict's life.
*Rituals -- Rituals are routines with an added ingredient - significance. Rituals govern the way the family carries out important activities, like praying together, celebrating special occasions, etc. For an example, a mother with an anger problem, under stress of preparing a Thanksgiving Dinner, might lose control of her temper, dampening the family's holiday mood. If these become regular holiday occurrences, families will begin to expect them and do what they can to lessen the impact. When rituals are modified, their significance may be greatly diminished. Rituals are ruined when the emotions and meanings associated with them are supplanted by the anger and disappointment of having to deal with the problem behavior. It should be noted that all of these alterations in the family are designed to deal with the troubled parent's behavior not by ignoring it or continuing in spite of it but changing to accommodate it. Families least likely to reproduce addicts were those who did not permit the troubled person's presence to disrupt the family's routines and rituals. They distanced themselves instead of accommodated themselves.
*Problem-Solving Procedures - Besides routines and rituals, the family also tries to regulate itself by modifying its problem-solving procedures. These modifications involve doing things to bring a member back into line if that person threatens the family's stability. Troubled families may use two distinct problem-solving methods. First, they vigilantly guard the status quo, because they tend to be unusually sensitive to any destabilization of the family. Once the family has stabilized around the out-of-control person, they appear to be uncommonly threatened by any other change. Dysfunctional families are generally rigid. Strong families are flexible. As children get older and conditions change in the family, the family needs to adjust. Many of these changes are related to the family's life phases. All change (good and bad) is stressful, and it can be both good and bad at the same time - like the birth of a child, for example. Arriving at a life stage may trigger a crisis in the family if it is too rigid to handle it properly. The second distinct feature of the troubled family's problem-solving procedure is using the problem person's behavior to assist the family in dealing with problems. If this happens, the addictive problem becomes a part of the family's normal functioning. This has major implications when, for example, an addict stops drinking. The alcohol that has become necessary for the family to function is now gone. Learning how to operate without it may become very difficult for all of them.
*Family Devastation - These changes are especially devastating because the family's stability now depends on the continued behavior by the addict. This insight helps us understand why it is crucial that the family system change when treating an addictive/compulsive behavior. Otherwise, the system will continue to pressure the troubled persons to stay as they are. Despite the conscious wish to see the troubled person change, family members may have an unconscious desire to have the person continue as he or she is.
Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families
*Enmeshment - This means family members become too closely bonded with each other. Strong families connect in a balanced way. They have a strong sense of togetherness, but it's tempered by allowing members to be independent. They feel close and committed to each other, but their closeness empowers them as separate persons. Enmeshed families, in contrast, allow their connectedness to stifle individuality. They may also swing to the opposite extreme and be so independent that the members are disengaged.
Under the control of a parent, cohesiveness is often forced on the members. In an effort to overcome family shame, efforts are made to keep the family together. Members are expected to be loyal - being together is not necessarily desired; it is required. Members of strong families may get together for Christmas because they want to, but dysfunctional family members do so because they have to. Members of strong families enjoy each other; those of troubled families tend to endure each other. Enmeshment is often referred to as codependence, and it manifests itself in number of harmful ways. Family members sometimes feel too much, depend too much on, or do too much for each other. While some sacrifice is o.k., sacrifice can be harmful, not just to the one who is sacrificing but also to the one for whom the sacrifice is made. Jesus, by His crucifixion, is the greatest example of sacrifice, but His sacrifice was with purpose.
*Inadequate Communication - Dysfunctional families are notorious for their poor communication. They have the now-famous rules: "Don't trust; don't feel, and don't talk." A functional family has no such rules. The rules that keep dysfunctional families from talking come from the "elephant in the living room" phenomenon. The large beast represents the family's problem. Fear and shame keep family members from discussing it. Initially their feelings may be so overwhelming that they deal with them by trying not to feel. Ignoring the most important family matter causes them to ignore other feelings and thoughts as well. Communication is superficial because of the threat of talking about their shame, fear, and depression. The family avoids healthy conflict and urges members not to rock the boat. Their desire for peace at all costs inhibits any authenticity, vulnerability, or transparency. Since they are unable to talk, family members struggle to adapt and survive, employing numerous defenses to ward off the pain. One of those defenses is denial.
*Denial and Reality Shifting - People in dysfunctional families usually have a distorted view of reality. They see the terrible things happening in their homes, yet they don't recognize them for what they are. This denial takes any number of forms. They may minimize the problem. They may consider themselves normal. They may delay doing anything about it, thinking the problem will eventually solve itself. Being in denial causes people to experience what is called "reality shifting." This is when there is a major discrepancy between what is said and what a child experiences. Forcing children to disregard what they experience distorts their sense of what is true and normal, causing them to live in doubt and confusion.
*Wet - Dry Cycle - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde often come to mind when referring to addicts. They have a sober personality and an addicted one - and their families do too. This sobriety-intoxication cycle deprives them of one of the major traits of strong families - consistency. What is so amazing about these cycles is that the family members tend to behave like the addict. Families are not all alike when one of the members is an addict. While some families may feel close to each other, others may feel isolated from one another. Some may be tranquil, others combative. Yet they definitely exhibit two states. During the sober period, the home atmosphere may be very tense with children fearing the addict may move to his/her addiction. The contrast between the two states can be extreme:
Dry / Wet
Promises Made / Promises Broken
Overpunitive / Overcaring
Rigid / Adaptive
This unpredictability and inconsistency can exact a toll on family members.
*Role Reversals -- When one family member becomes increasingly disabled, other family members will begin to carry an extra load to keep the family going. Unlike the teamwork that exists in a healthy family, these responsibilities are unfairly distributed. As a result, the family members bearing the burden begin to feel resentful, angry, and frustrated. But the "don't talk rule" keeps them from confronting the troubled member about his or her irresponsibility. They may also suffer their hard feelings to avoid arguments and uncomfortable scenes.
*Isolation - Troubled families often lack a key factor of healthy family life - contact with those outside the house. They are cut off from the many benefits people receive by being linked to the wider community and their contact with growth-producing relationships is limited. Because the family members are so enmeshed with one another, outsiders threaten the precarious "balance" of codependency. Also, because of their rigidity, they reject others whose ideas and practices may challenge theirs. Keeping the family secret of addiction or abuse makes them shun outsiders. Shame about that secret inhibits their getting close to others. In some cases, this isolation is a contributing cause of the family's problems as well as a result. Physical and sexual abuse can more easily happen where it is unlikely to be detected by members of the community.
2. A Broader View of Addiction
For practical reasons, many experts are taking a broader view of addiction, a biopsychosocial one. They view substance abuse as a complex condition and endorse multiple strategies for dealing with it. Using drugs and alcohol may serve any number or purposes - avoiding responsibility, medicating emotional pain, dealing with a difficult relationship, etc. These behaviors are inadequate ways of coping with the underlying problems that sustain them.
*God in a Bottle - If there were one reason above all others for people becoming addicts, it would be a spiritual one. People worship their addictions. Ironically, for them, spirits replace the divine Spirit. It is a form of selfishness or self-idolatry. The feeling of power and exotic excitement in addiction is an attempt to rise above the routine of living. For this reason, many label addictions idolatry. It is obviously so, since the addict's center of life has become the substance/behavior to which he or she is addicted. Addicts testify that nothing else mattered to them once they became hooked - not family, health, pleasure - nothing was more important to them than satisfying their craving for a fix.
The Old Testament describes idolatry as putting something in front of God. When God commands that we "have no other gods before" Him, idolatry/addictive behaviors consist of putting something/anything in front of God, disguising and distorting God's true face. Every sin emerges from the fact that God is no longer first in our lives but is concealed by something created.
Viewing addiction as a form of idolatry should encourage us as Christians to be confident of our own spiritual resources to treat it. Salvation through faith in Christ and sanctification through reliance on the Holy Spirit strike at the heart of idolatry.
*For Pleasure or Escape - Addicted people are crippled by their past experiences, unable to choose and exercise responsibility for their behavior. Some use addictive behaviors as a way to escape emotional hurt sometimes sourced in their troubled childhood family. People often use addictions not to make their hearts happy but to put their souls to sleep. When people use addictive behaviors to escape suffering, they fail to cope with their problems in functional ways. This only compounds their problems, which don't go away but remain to keep nudging them to return to their "drug" of choice to escape.
Dependence is learned as a result of living in a family where a behavior is rewarded one time and punished the next. Children learn to be dependent on cues from their environment to know how to act. They are often not taught to follow their feelings but rather to follow the actions of another - to react as opposed to act. The perceptive child grows to learn how to watch the family so that under each changing set of circumstances he or she will know how to act. When the cues keep changing and the consequences for mistakes are severe, the child becomes dependent on these external cues to know what to do. By training themselves to trust only external cues, not only do children learn dependency but they also perceive that feeling good can come only from a source outside of themselves. This helps explain why children of addicts learn to depend on others and not themselves in a relationship. Once addiction becomes a problem for them, addicts will continue to use the substance/behavior not so much to obtain enjoyment but to blot out the pain of the disastrous effects their heavy use is causing them. They then search for more relief from the addiction moving farther into the process of addiction. Sobriety means giving up their maladaptive way of coping with their emotions and their troubles. Recovery must include making major life changes.
*Relational and Trust Issues - Sometimes addictive behaviors are blamed on others and other relational factors can be involved in addictions. One's acting out might keep the focus of the problem on the addict rather than other family members. Some use addictive behaviors to draw attention to themselves and excuse themselves from their responsibilities. Addictive behaviors can be used to control others through manipulation or as a way of not being controlled by others. Addictive behaviors can be used to avoid intimacy and the threat of self-disclosing including the risk of rejection. Because of not having healthy relationships, those involved in addictive behaviors may not have learned to trust people. Their emotional isolation from others eventually leads them to establish an emotional relationship with some substance or activity. They turn to it because it is dependable - they can trust it to give them the lift that they need and the nurture that they are unable to receive from others. Addictions are dependable; people are not.
*Stinkin' Thinkin' - The thinking of one involved in an addictive behavior is distorted. One's life can be falling apart, health deteriorating, family in ruins, and job in jeopardy, but he/she seems unable to recognize this. Family and friends may even be taken in by this "addictive thinking" because the addict sounds convincing to friends, pastors, employers, doctors, and even counselors. It is difficult to understand if this perverted reasoning is the cause or the result of the addiction. For example, "Am I addicted because of my intolerable life, or is my life intolerable because of my addiction?" Once the intense craving begins, it affects the person's thinking in much the same way as a bribe or other personal interest distorts one's judgment. The addict's need will be so powerful that he or she will think anything that will justify the next fix. Addicts' illusion of control is part of these rationalizations. Although their lives have become grossly unmanageable, they steadfastly insist they are still in charge. They falsely claim they can quit anytime they want. They do this because they think in terms of minutes, not hours or days. Recovering addicts must patiently stay sober moment after moment.
3. Children and Spouses of Troubled Families
*The Children -- Many children of dysfunctional families (termed CODF's) have to cope with baffling and painful situations. Children who are subjected to abuse of different kinds may receive little or no help from others, mainly because their teachers, neighbors, and church leaders may not realize their plight. Without assistance from others, children try to fix themselves. Clumsily, with childish hands, they suture the wounds, often leaving ugly scars or unhealed lesions that split open in later life. All of this is an attempt to protect themselves from the abuse. The home has the power to produce angry, rebellious, or disheartened children. Families can aggravate serious psychological disorders. Kids under stress can develop an abundance of physical and emotional problems even while in the womb. Many scientists how believe that stress can program a fetus to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, and other disorders in adulthood. So sensitive is the brain to its environment that absence of emotional warmth can kill brain cells. The loss of these cells is devastating during a child's early years, when brain connections require learning skills for language, math, and getting along with others. As infants, if anything interferes with bonding with their mothers, they may have permanent emotional scars that will influence the outcome of the remainder of their development. The extent of the damage done to CODF's depends on lots of factors, for example, when in the life of the child the parent became addicted, how the family reacted to it, how long the addiction continued, and the severity of the abuse and neglect.
Thankfully, despite the severity of the situation, not all of these children will be severely wounded. Psychologists call them resilient or stress-resistant children. Some CODF's may have a strong orientation toward personal growth. They are able to initiate and intentionally engage in the process of self-change. Second, they may possess a trait termed hardiness. Hardy people are actively involved in living, believing they can control their circumstances. Some kids are less affected by their stressful family life because of the presence of another adult in their lives.
The children of troubled families may sometimes feel frustrated and unable to control their own lives. Their helplessness may be compounded by a feeling of failure. This is due to their trying to solve the problem in their family. Kids feel responsible for their parents' problems partly because they are so egocentric, believing they are the cause of most everything that happens around them. But they also may think they are to blame for the problem because the troubled parent tells them they are. Taking such responsibility on themselves is usually destructive to children because they are doomed to failure. Without someone explaining to them that they shouldn't take the weight of the family on their shoulders, they may continue to do this into adulthood and even have trouble stopping then. Their failure to solve the family's problems may make them angry. Thinking their good behavior will make their parents break free from their dependency or compulsion, they may be upset when they don't get the hoped for results. Their anger may take the form of resentment.
Expressing anger is complicated by the attachment the child has for the parents. Besides needing the parents' care, children are taught to love and respect them, making it very hard to accept the anger and hatred they feel. Feelings are mixed - love and hate, pity and disgust, anger and sympathy. The child plays the same Jeckyll-Hyde role the troubled parent is playing. Fear may also keep children from directing anger toward the parent. And the "don't feel, don't talk" rules will make them keep their anger bottled up inside of them. This may cause them to resort to sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, and other passive-aggressive behaviors. They may also overreact to normal events and become extremely angry with people who haven't done anything to deserve such a reaction.
One way CODF's express anger is by reverting back to an earlier stage of development. Also, a child may make light of the stressful situation at home or resort to humor to handle it. Additionally, children may be deeply hurt by a parent's abusive ranting and raving and lack what are known as "self-soothing" abilities. They lack inner resources to calm themselves in the face of severe stress and intense emotions. Finally, children in stressful situations may develop a false self. Instead of the addicted parent's encouraging the children to express themselves and commending them for it, the parent's behavior demands that they become something else. If the parent is also physically or sexually abusive, the squelching of the child's personality can be extremely severe.
Shame is another emotion that inhibits children's development of their true self. Theirs is not a shame for what they have done, but for who they are-an absence of self-respect. The time between eighteen months to three years is a time when a child gains a sense of autonomy. Restricting the child, as dysfunctional families are prone to do, may make them doubt and dislike themselves. Guilt feelings may also develop very early from ages three to six. In an addictive family, the children may receive little affirmation for their ventures and be blamed for innocent mistakes, causing them to feel guilty for attempts to exert themselves.
They will also be shamed by the embarrassing activities of their parents. Their shame may also be due to the fact that all children tend to identify with their parents. Of course, constant parental criticism may result in children's having little self-respect. When little children are verbally harangued by their parents, told they are worthless or bad, they will believe these things. They lack the maturity to realize these messages are lies of an evil, addicted, compulsive person.
Trust will almost always be a problem for the dysfunctional family's children, too. Consistent care teaches them that they can rely on others. If their care is sporadic, harsh, or unkind, they learn to mistrust, making it difficult for them later to form close relationships. Distracted and disturbed, a dysfunctional family may early breed mistrust in children. The inconsistency of the wet-dry cycle probably is enough to instill distrust in a child. Children in dysfunctional families are often compulsive and have a tendency to become addicted to something. Or they may turn to an addiction as an escape from pain. The enmeshed family system has taught them to depend on things outside themselves for happiness and satisfaction. Additionally, children of dysfunctional families are often obsessed with pleasing others.
CODF's cast themselves in various roles. The child may choose the role as a survival tactic, or, because each role performs a function in the family system, the system itself will force the child into the part. Sometimes a specific child will play more than one role or through time switch from one to another. These roles help the family maintain its dysfunctional homeostasis and can eventually be harmful to the children. The following are various roles:
Chief Enabler - shelters the addict from consequences of his or her behavior; cost to them is
martyrdom;
Family Hero - keeps family's self-worth, acts as family counselor; cost is a compulsive
drive;
Family Scapegoat - diverts attention from the addict; cost is possible self-destructive
behavior and often addiction;
Lost child - escapes family stress by emotional and physical separation; cost is
social isolation;
Family Mascot - diverts attention from the addict by humor; cost is immaturity and/or
emotional illness.
Family members learn "addictive logic" to deny the chaos. They learn to lie and say the problem doesn't exist so as not to betray the family. To survive in an addictive system, children learn to deny healthy responses that tell them they are in danger; they have to keep increasing these dishonest coping skills as their situation worsens. Also, a torrent of negative thoughts may be coursing through children's innocent minds: "I can't do anything right; I am a failure; I'm not loved; I will be abandoned; I am ugly and bad…etc." They desperately need someone to tell them these are lies and help them see the truth about themselves and their families.
*The Spouses -- Being married to an addict can be like a ride on a roller coaster - terrifying. Life is chaotic and unpredictable, up one day, down the next, depending on how the spouse is behaving. Emotions fluctuate and are mixed. The dry period, when life is on the upside, inspires hope that it will last, along with nagging fear that it won't. In cases of spousal abuse, the cycle is well documented: abuse followed by remorse followed by forgiveness followed by abuse followed by remorse, and so on. The same happens in addictive marriages: The husband manifests an addictive/compulsive behavior, and the wife gets angry. The husband becomes sober and pleads for forgiveness. The wife forgives, and the two are reconciled. The husband manifests the addictive/compulsive behavior, and the wife gets angry. The husband becomes sober, and on and on. The spouse will probably be experiencing many of the same emotions as the children - fear, anger, helplessness, loneliness, and the like. Some will hate their husband or wife, their bitterness created out of years of broken promises and neglect. Spouses will also blame themselves for their partner's problem. Shame too can be intense. And to cover his or her embarrassment, the husband or wife of the troubled person will strive hard to make a contribution outside the home. He or she may be driven to succeed in the workplace. Some will devote themselves to social work or church ministry. The marriage relationship will deteriorate. Feelings of love that were likely present in the beginning of the marriage will slowly die as the partner's addiction progresses.
Three of the most important marital resources - respect, reciprocity, and reliability - will be challenged. Respect involves conveying to another person (through words, deeds, or simply being present) that the other is of value. By their irresponsible behavior and neglect of family duties, addicts and the like will not be likely to keep this resource in their relationship. Reciprocity in relationships refers to the balance of giving and receiving care and consideration. Not much fairness will be felt in a dysfunctional family where the weight of maintaining the family falls on the addict's spouse and/or children. Reliability refers to the expectation that the person will be there for us on an ongoing, fairly consistent basis. Broken promises and no-shows will destroy this resource. An addiction, like any other violation of the relationship bond, will chip away at trust. People married to the addiction/compulsive behavior often convey to their partners that they are not important. This deterioration of the marriage and emotional struggles of the spouse will sometimes diminish his or her capacity to parent. Sometimes the spouse, wrestling with the partner's addiction/behavior, will dump his or her responsibilities on the children. Because of this neglect, some adult children are angry at the spouse of their addictive/compulsive parent more than they are the one with the addiction/compulsion.
*The Role of Codependency -- Codependency is another form of enmeshment. The spouse of the troubled individual is referred to as the "co-addict." This can be described as one person's addictive patterns aligning themselves with another's so that there is some degree of systemic collusion or addictive pattern. Essentially, a codependent is related to another in an unhealthy way. One person cares so completely for the other that he or she neglects himself or herself, living almost entirely for the other person. Being an enabler is sometimes part of such a relationship. Enablers don't usually consciously do things to help their partner continue his or her destructive behavior. In fact they will probably attack their partner's problem with a vengeance, doing everything possible to get him or her to straighten out. Yet, at the same time, they will do things that facilitate their spouse's behavior. For example, they will protect their spouse from the consequences of his or her actions: phoning his boss to report him sick when he can't go to work because of the addictive behavior; giving money to a wife who has a money related addictive problem; making excuses to the kids for a parent's absence, and so on. Then too the partners contribute to the addicts' problem by facilitating the reorganization of the family around them. Children, too, can play the role of codependent.
Codependents sacrifice unnecessarily and to the detriment of others as well as themselves. Following Jesus' example, Christians are encouraged to make sacrifices, but they are not to make senseless ones. Jesus' sacrificial offering of himself benefited others. But the codependent's sacrifices are harmful to the one for whom they are made. It is not really loving. Love, as conceived in the New Testament, is concern and care for a person's highest good. Preventing an addicted/compulsive spouse from suffering their own consequences is not showing this type of concern and care. This troubled spouse needs to see the results of his/her lifestyle and choices. As Proverbs 19:19 says, "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again." Love is sometimes expressed by not doing something for someone. Also, codependents need to understand that it is not wrong to care for themselves. As indicated in Lev. 19:18 and Matt. 19:19, we are commanded to respect others as we respect ourselves.
Some write that codependency is defined as "a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity." By this, they mean that people who live in enmeshed families develop a tendency to live this way in general, even with people outside the family. Symptoms include the following:
Thoughts and attitudes dominated by the other person: "I think more about your
life than mine."
Self-esteem related to the other person: "I value your opinion more than my own; I need to
help you in order to feel good about myself; I need to be needed."
Emotions are tied to the other person: "When you are hurting, I often react more
deeply than you do."
Interests geared to the other person: "I know more clearly what you want than what
I want."
Relationship to others is affected by the other person: "I neglect my friends to get
overly involved in fixing you; I am compulsive about pleasing others, yet I get
upset by their demands on me."
In selecting a mate, some men and women seem to be attracted to a person who needs their care. Besides the obvious shortcomings, one major problem of this type of relationship is the powerful dependence these partners have on each other. They become so enmeshed that they seem unable to function as individuals. They become so intertwined that it becomes difficult for the other to leave the relationship regardless of how dysfunctional it is. Codependents will have considerable psychological distress. They will suffer from poor self-esteem, since they may feel little worth apart from what is derived from rescuing others. They will also suffer from an extreme need to be needed, making them depressed when they feel they are not. Also they may have an unhealthy willingness to suffer, somehow believing that suffering for someone will make that person love them; being a martyr will make them feel rewarded.
Despite codependents' sorry state of affairs, they will have a strong resistance to change. Leaving the troubled spouse, even as a step toward healing, accountability, and re-creation of the marriage, is not an option, because they fear feeling guilty, living alone, or not being able to make it financially.
In conclusion, when we or our families experience trouble, we must call upon the Divine weapons and resources that God has provided us. We must remember that we cannot face the vast array of past and present problems on our own. Therefore, we must keep our focus on the Lord since we don't know how to deal with these things (2 Chron 20:12b). He has the willingness and power to do the impossible, demolish the past and present strongholds that have enslaved us, and make us to be who He created us to be (Phil 2:12; Luke 1:37; 2 Cor 10:3-5).
God's Reason For Our Suffering
(Adapted from an article, "Praying Through Problems," by Stormie Omartian)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
There are different reasons that tough times happen, and if we can gain an understanding of the reason for our suffering, it will help us overcome our pain, rise to a place of peace, and see our faith grow in the midst of it.
Sometimes difficult things happen to us so that the glory and power of God can be revealed in and through us. Jesus' disciples asked Him if a man's blindness was because the man's parents had sinned or he had sinned. Jesus replied, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him" (John 9:3 NKJV). We may not be able to understand why certain things happen, and we may never know the whole story until we go to be with the Lord. However, when we turn to God in the midst of these difficult situations, God's glory will be seen in them.
Sometimes God uses difficult times to purify us. The Bible says, "Since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin" (I Peter 4:1 NIV). Sometimes suffering will burn sin and selfishness out of our lives. God allows suffering to happen so that we will learn to live for Him and not for ourselves-that we will pursue His will and not our own.
Sometimes our misery is caused by God disciplining us. "No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12:11). The fruit that this godly disciplining and pruning produces in us is worth the trouble we have to go through to get it, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. Be careful not to resist it or hate it. "Do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" (Hebrews 12:5-6).
Sometimes we are caught in the middle of the enemy's work. The enemy would like to make you miserable and destroy your life. Often the reason for the anguish, sorrow, sadness, grief, or pain you feel entirely is Satan's doing and no fault of your own or anyone else's. Your comfort is in knowing that as you praise God in the midst of the attack upon you, He will defeat the enemy and bring good out of it that you can't even fathom.
How do we pray through difficult times?
Regardless of the reason for your difficulty, your prayers will make a positive difference on the outcome. Every day you have another opportunity to affect your future with the words you speak to God. Don't worry about how many times you feel you are praying the same prayer over and over. God freshly hears your words spoken to Him each time. Your prayer has new life every time you pray it.
Even if you don't see answers to your prayers right away, each prayer sets something in motion. There is so much happening in the spirit realm that you don't see. Along with telling God your specific needs, here are some ways to pray that will help you get through the difficult times:
Pray for wisdom. Whenever we don't make good choices in our lives, there is a price to pay. And we are never more in danger of making wrong decisions than when we are stressed, in pain, or suffering in some way. During those times it's easy to make a decision born out of desperation, so it's always good to ask God for wisdom and discernment. And this needs to be an ongoing prayer because too often we have to make quick decisions. On those occasions we don't have time to seek the will of God. We need to already know it.
Pray for the Holy Spirit's help. When we're in the midst of tragedy, loss, devastation, or disappointment, we hurt terribly and find it impossible to think beyond the pain. But we don't have to go through those difficult times alone, because the Holy Spirit is there to help us. When we turn to Him for help and comfort, we will find it. He will give us revelation and power, the very things we need most when we are struggling.
Pray to have the mind of Christ. The Bible says you "have the mind of Christ" (I Cor. 2:16), and you are to "let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus" (Phil 2:5). It also says, "since Christ suffered for you in the flesh, arm yourselves also with the same mind, for he who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin" (I Peter 4:1). If you ask God to help you arm yourself with the mind of Christ, He will enable you to endure the suffering for the glory set before you. In other words, He will help you focus on the good that He will bring out of the situation instead of the misery you are experiencing.
Pray for a greater sense of God's Presence. In times of suffering, ask God to help you sense His Presence in a stronger way every day. Feeling God's Presence around you will help you increase your faith and not be overcome with doubt. It will give you strength to stand strong in God's truth and not be swept away by your emotions or lies of the enemy. It will help you be content in your current situation because He is there. We can come to the place where we don't have to be afraid of bad news because our heart is steadfast, trusting in Him (Psalm 112:7).
Pray that you will stay in God's Word and obey it. Nothing is more solid than the Word of God. Even when so incapacitated with life situations, reading or even hearing God's Word will lift the spirits and provide strength. The Word speaks of God's promises and gives hope. It will allow you to feel that somehow everything will be all right.
Pray to see the good in the bad. None of us likes pain or uncertainty - we want things the way we want them. But the challenging and miserable times are not without their aspect of good. There are things that happen to us in those times that are as precious as diamonds. It's during the difficult times that we have the opportunity to experience the Lord's Presence in a deeper way. When we cling to Him, He will reveal the good things that are right in front of us.
Pray that all your expectations will be in God alone. Disappointment and suffering are inevitable because life can never consistently met our expectations. But when we put our expectations in the Lord and acknowledge that our help comes from Him, it takes the pressure off others to meet our needs. We make a mistake by expecting too much from people, life, and ourselves when our expectations should be in God. It pleases Him when we have faith enough in the midst of our disappointment to put our hope and expectations in Him. Don't run to bitterness or unforgiveness. Run to your father's arms instead, so He can hold and sustain you.
Pray that you will forgive others. Often our greatest times of hurt and disappointment occur when someone fails us - or we feel they have. People can hurt us deeply. But our fulfillment and happiness don't depend on other people - they depend on God. Of course, we rely on other people for certain things, and it's painful when they let us down. But the ultimate success or joy of our life doesn't depend on them. We have to forgive and release them and not continue to suffer over what others do or don't do to us.
Pray that God will help you forgive yourself. It's devastating when we have failed others. Or we think we have failed when we really haven't, but we torture ourselves, allowing our regret and condemnation to pound our souls like a giant sledgehammer. It's a weight we can't carry and were never meant to. Even when we have to bear the consequences for the wrong choices we've made, God is still there to bring good out of it. Even in our greatest depth of failure, God redeems everything when we reach humbly to Him. While it is good to examine our motives, thoughts, and actions, it's counterproductive to beat ourselves up with a constant battering of, "If only I hadn't…," "If I just would have….," Or "Why didn't I …."
Pray that you will not get discouraged. Discouragement can descend on you like a flood. You think you are standing strong, and in a weary moment, you get washed away by discouragement. Even though it may seem like forever as you wait for your difficult time to end, and you feel like you don't have the strength to withstand any longer, tell yourself that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you (Phil. 4:13). Declare that you will "rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him" (Psalm 37:7). Keep in mind that God has been known to do a quick work for which He has been preparing a long time. It could be today!
Regardless of your present situation, know that God has an abundance of blessings for you. He is working powerfully in your life right where you are; don't stop praying. Close your eyes, call His Name, and sense His Presence. He wants you to trust that when you are afraid, you can turn to Him and find peace. When you are weary, you will find His strength. When you are empty, you will find His fullness. When you are sad, you will find His joy. And when you are in the middle of a raging storm, you will find His shelter and provision. Don't let yourself be blinded by circumstances, afraid of what's happening, easily discouraged, drawn toward bitterness, or quick to complain. Instead, look for God in the midst of your circumstances.
REST: Experiencing God's Peace in a Restless World
(Adapted from the book by Dr. Siang-Yang Tan)
(10/27/04 - Bill Bellican)
We are truly living in an age of anxiety. Anxiety has become the leading emotional problem of our day. Common responses to the questions, "How are you doing?" include: "I am really busy." "I'm exhausted." "There's just too much to do." "I'm tired. I need a vacation." "I'm burned out." "There's too much going on." "I'm so stressed out, I can't keep up anymore!"
The buzzwords of our lives today are: Busyness. Stress. Overload. The demands of life have far outgrown the resources we have to meet them, leading to what has been termed, "The Overload Syndrome." People are exhausted….People are stressed….People are overloaded….We need more time….We need more space….We need more reserves….We need more buffer.
Closely related to overwork and overload is our preoccupation with speed. In our embrace of speed, we are obsessed with efficiency and productivity. We are horrified at the thought of wasting any time. Bill Gates recently wrote a book entitled Business at the Speed of Thought. In trying to beat the clock, we walk faster, drive faster, work faster. But at a great cost. Levels of stress and anxiety are increased exponentially. Unrest is the result. Unrest is feeling fearful, anxious, panicked, scattered, harried, hurried, overwhelmed, exhausted, discontent, driven, stressed. It's the opposite of what we most deeply long for: rest.
People are seeking rest today with a vengeance! They are doing things such as taking stress management classes, going on retreats, and trying hard to change their lifestyles so they can find some peace and rest again. Ironically, more and more people are stressed out trying to overcome stress. We try too hard to find rest, and the hard work of rest often leads to further unrest and restlessness. We need to have a deeper, more biblical understanding of rest and how to experience or enter into rest - God's rest, in God's way.
Rest can be described as a state of peace, contentment, serenity, refreshment, stillness, tranquility, or calm. The qualities of rest include: quietness of heart; a sober awareness of who we are and who God is; an ability to let go (and not try so hard, even at resting); an ability to enjoy leisure, nature, and things that do not involve performance; reflection; trust; an ability to live from our higher or true self -to determine our values and live by them…enjoying the moment…not living in the past or the future; breathing easily and deeply; waiting without impatience; not being impulsive or rash.
What is the difference between rest and leisure or amusement? Rest is found beyond leisure. It is God who instituted and commanded rest - true Sabbath rest - for humankind (see Ex 20:8-11; 34:21). He is also the first "rester" Himself (see Gen 2:2-3; Ex 31:17). This rest was not meant to be a luxury, but rather a necessity for those who want to have growth and maturity. Since we have not understood that rest is a necessity, we have perverted its meaning, substituting for the rest that God first demonstrated things called leisure or amusement….Leisure and amusement may be enjoyable, but they are to the private world of the individual like cotton candy to the digestive system. They provide momentary lift, but they will not last….The world and the church need genuinely rested Christians (and families): Those who are regularly refreshed by true Sabbath rest, not just leisure or time off. When godly rest is achieved, you will see just how tough and resilient Christians (and families) can actually be.
Taken from three main words that are used in the Old Testament to describe rest, we can conclude these terms paint us a rich and multifaceted picture. Rest involves something we do, something we experience and something God gives us. We see that we must regularly cease from our work and become still before God to gain a sense of tranquility and to loose the shackles of stress. God provides supernatural security and peace.
Also, we should not think of work versus rest but work and rest. God invented both at virtually the same time; they are meant to complement, not fight against each other. A godly life is a life of rest. A godly life is a life of work. Scripture places rest and work side by side and sees them both as good.
Despite our deep desire to experience true Sabbath rest, many of us, ironically, are afraid of rest. There may be various reasons. First, we may be addicted to the adrenaline rush of busyness. Second, we may be afraid of rest because we are fearful of facing our true state of being: our emptiness, our bad feelings, our painful memories. It is easier and more comfortable to keep busy, to keep going on without stopping to rest. Resting and reflecting may bring us face to face with painful inner feelings and struggles we would rather avoid or keep out of our consciousness. Third, we may be fearful of rest because we tend to define ourselves by what we produce or how we perform. We have a tendency to use external criteria of success to define our self-worth and the worth of our families. Many of us feel we must continue to produce, perform, excel, and keep up. We are afraid to slow down and rest because we may be left behind in our business, careers, and comparisons to others. Fourth, closely connected to the previous reason, many of us may feel that it's all up to us to "make it" in life, believing that if we slow down or change, things will simply fall apart. Many of us are afraid of rest because we are afraid of losing speed, losing ground, and losing our lifestyles. Finally, we may be afraid of rest because we feel trapped in our ever-increasing cycle of activity and accelerated busyness. We can't see a way out. The situation may appear so hopeless and helpless that we give up trying to rest at all. In fact, to stop and rest makes us feel more anxious about all the things we are leaving undone. We end up avoiding rest and trying to do even more in the time-starved days of our lives.
We continue to suffer from the disease of "hurry sickness." As has been written, "hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. Hurry can destroy our souls. Hurry can keep us from living well." "Hurry is not of the devil; hurry is the devil." The enemy of our souls knows full well how hurry sickness or unrest can ultimately destroy us. He will do his best to keep us from God's rest. He entices us to drive ourselves onward, create ever more activity, fill our emptiness with external stimuli to avoid the disquiet in our soul. Consequently, we often clutch at people and things that keep us engaged in the cycle of a hurried and harried life.
There are four aspects of rest that are necessary to understand:
Physical: Many of us suffer today from heart disease as well as other stress-related illnesses, including addictions, panic attacks, exhaustion, insomnia, headaches, muscle tension, and high blood pressure. Such physical suffering often stems from our inability to manage our lives and to learn how to rest.
Physical rest includes time for leisure and sleep, especially taking a Sabbath day off each week and sleeping at least eight hours a night. It also involves good nutrition, regular exercise, and practicing at least one good relaxation technique as part of stress management. We protect our physical rest by refusing to overwork and making sure we have enough of a time buffer.
Emotional: Many of us feel as if we can't keep up with the demands and stresses of our lives. The results often include depression, anxiety, panic, fear, confusion, and feeling trapped or overwhelmed.
Emotional rest means experiencing peace, quiet, tranquility, contentment, serenity, and refreshment instead of anxiety, fear, panic, tension, discontent, depression, exhaustion, and fatigue. Intellectual or mental rest is part of emotional rest. If our minds are at rest, our emotions can relax. Emotional rest also comes from spiritual rest.
Relational: Many of us experience "restless relationships" or "fractured relationships." Whether in the home, church, school, workplace, or the larger community of which we are a part, the presence of unresolved conflicts, broken relationships, misunderstanding, contention, bitterness, strife, and especially an unforgiving spirit can cause much unrest and pain.
Relational rest can be found in the context of our caring and loving relationships with other people. Such relationships don't work without a heart of love and a soul that is experiencing some level of spiritual and emotional peace deep within. Our spiritual, emotional, and physical rest are all deepened when we receive the gifts of loving and caring relationships in a family of people who believe in Jesus Christ.
Spiritual: Many of us find it difficult to trust God, to hear His voice, to sense His presence. God seems far away, and the weight of the world rests on our shoulders. We may have an exaggerated sense of self, leading us t believe it is up to us alone to free ourselves from this burden. We may go through the motions of trusting in God but do not reap the rewards or blessing.
Spiritual rest is by far the most crucial type of rest, although many of us miss it. We need rest from our guilt, doubt, confusion, emptiness, dryness, and despair. We long for the peace of God that transcends all understanding (see Phil 4:7). Such supernatural peace comes when we learn to pray with thanksgiving (Phil 4:6) and to cast all our cares or anxiety upon Him because He cares for us (I Pet 5:7). The writer of the book of Hebrews specifically deals with spiritual rest - God's rest - in Hebrews 4:1: "Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it." The promise of entering into or experiencing God's rest - true spiritual rest in Him - is still true for the people of God. God's rest is available today to those of us who believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and receive His rest by faith (Heb 4:2-3). We can still enter into His rest experientially now by maintaining an active faith relationship with the One who invented rest in the first place.
F. B. Meyers called the theme in Hebrews 4 the Gospel of Rest:
When we once learn to live by faith, believing that our Father loves us, and will
not forget or forsake us, but is pledged to supply all our needs; when we acquire
the holy habit of talking to Him about all, and handing all over to Him, at the
moment that the tiniest shadow is cast upon the soul; when we accept insult,
and annoyance, and interruption, coming to us from whatever quarter as being
His permission, and therefore, as part of His dear will for us - then we have
learned the secret of the Gospel of Rest.
BOUNDARIES - What Are They?
(Adapted from Boundaries by Henry Cloud/John Townsend)
(02/03/05 - Bill Bellican)
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.
We are responsible to others and for ourselves. "Carry each other's burdens, " says Galatians 6:2, "and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." This verse shows our responsibility to one another.
Many times others have "burdens" that are too big to bear. They do not have enough strength, resources, or knowledge to carry the load, and they need help. Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ. This is what Christ did for us. He did what we could not do for ourselves; He saved us. This is being responsible "to."
On the other hand, verse 5 says, "... each one should carry his own load." Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry. These things are our own particular "load" that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out. No one can do certain things for us. We have to take ownership of certain aspects of life that are our own "load."
Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. In short, boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Boundaries are not walls. The Bible does not say that we are to be "walled off" from others; in fact, it says that we are to be "one" with them (John 17:11). We are to be in community with them. But in every community, all members have their own space and property. The important thing is that property lines/boundaries be permeable enough to allow passing in and out, but strong enough to keep out danger.
Examples of boundaries:
Words - The most basic boundary-setting word is "no." Being clear about your no - and your yes - is a theme that runs throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37; James 5:12). "NO" is a confrontational word. The Bible says that we are to confront people we love, saying, "No, that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that." The word "no" is also important in setting limits on abuse. People with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others. They feel that is they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent. If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of "self-control." Your words also define your property for others as you communicate your feelings, intentions, or dislikes. It is difficult for people to know where you stand when you do not use words to define your property. God even does this when He says, "I like this and I hate that," or "I will do this, and I will not do that."
Truth - Knowing the truth about God and His property puts limits on you and shows you His boundaries. To be in touch with God's Truth is to be in touch with reality, and to live in accord with that reality makes for a better life (Ps. 119:2, 45). Satan is the great distorter of reality. Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of integrity.
Geographical Distance - Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries. You can do this to replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit, as Jesus often did. Or, you can remove yourself to get away from danger and put limits on evil. The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe place for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior (Matt. 18:17 - 18; I Cor. 5:11-13). When a relationship is abusive, many times the only way to finally show the other person that your boundaries are real is to create space until they are ready to deal with the problem. The Bible supports the idea of limiting togetherness for the sake of "binding evil."
Time - Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.
Emotional Distance - Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living. Sometimes in abusive marriages the abused spouse needs to keep emotional distance until the abusive partner begins to face his or her problems and become trustworthy. You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you should wait until it is safe and until the real patterns of change have been demonstrated before you go back. Many people are too quick to trust someone in the name of forgiveness and not make sure that the other is producing "fruit in keeping with repentance" (Luke 3:8). Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.
Other People - You need to depend on others to help you set and keep boundaries. For many, a support system gives the strength to say no to abuse and control for the first time in one's life. There are two reasons why you need others to help with boundaries. The first is that your most basic need in life is for relationship. The other reason we need others is because we need new input and teaching. Boundaries are not built in a vacuum; creating boundaries always involves a support network.
Consequences - Trespassing on other people's property carries consequences. "No Trespassing" signs usually carry a threat of prosecution if someone steps over the boundaries. The Bible teaches this principle over and over, saying that if we walk one way, this will happen, and if we walk another way, something else will happen. Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Consequences give some good "barbs" to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to living according to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard.
What falls within our boundaries; what are we responsible for?
Feelings - Feelings should neither be ignored nor placed in charge. The Bible says to "own" your feelings and be aware of them. Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships. They can tell you if things are going well, or if there is a problem. But, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.
Attitudes and Beliefs - Attitudes have to do with your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward others, God, life, work, and relationships. Beliefs are anything that you accept as true. We need to own our attitudes and convictions because they fall within our property line. We are the ones who feel their effect, and the only ones who can change them. People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean.
Behaviors - Behaviors have consequences. To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behaviors is to render them powerless.
Choices - We need to take responsibility for our choices. A common boundary problem is disowning our choices and trying to lay the responsibility for them on someone else. We think someone else is in control, thus relieving us of our basic responsibility. We need to realize that we are in control of our choices no matter how we feel. Throughout Scripture, people are reminded of their choices and asked to take responsibility for them. Making decisions based on others' approval or on guilt breeds resentment. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for our choices. We are the ones who make them. We are the ones who must live with our consequences.
Values - What we value is what we love and assign importance to. Often we do not take responsibility for what we value. When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused by loving the wrong things, or valuing things that have no lasting value, when we confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can receive help from God to "create a new heart" within us. Boundaries help us not to deny but to own our old hurtful values so God can change them.
Limits - Tow aspects of limits stand out when it comes to creating better boundaries. The first is setting limits on others. In reality, setting limits on others is a misnomer. We can't do that. What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can't change them or make them behave right. God sets standards, but He lets people be who they are and then separates Himself from them when they misbehave. But God limits His exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we. Scripture is full of admonitions to separate ourselves from people who act in destructive ways. The other aspect of limits is setting our own internal limits. We need to have spaces inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting it out. We need self-control without repression. We need to be able to say "no" to ourselves. This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time.
Talents - Our talents are clearly within our boundaries and are our responsibility. Yet taking ownership of them is often frightening and always risky. The parable of the talents (Matt. 25:23, 26-28) says that we are accountable -- not to mention much happier - when we are experiencing our gifts and being productive. It takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome the fear of failure that the "wicked and lazy" servant gave in to. He was not chastised for being afraid; we are all afraid when trying something new and difficult. He was chastised for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could.
Thoughts - Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things.
- We must own our own thoughts. Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them. Certainly we should listen to the thoughts of others and weigh them; but we should never "give our minds" over to anyone.
- We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. One area in which we need to grow is in knowledge of God and His Word. We must use our brains to have better lives and glorify God.
- We must clarify distorted thinking. We all have a tendency to not see things clearly, to think and perceive in distorted ways. Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong. Also we need to make sure that we are communicating our thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustration.
Desires - Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has different desires, wants, dreams, wishes, goals, plans, hungers, and thirsts. We all want to be satisfied, but too often we are not. Part of the problem lies in the lack of structured boundaries within our personality. We can't define who the real "me" is and what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing. We often do not actively seek our desires from God, and those desires are mixed up with things that we do not really need. God is truly interested in our desires; He made them. God loves to give gifts to His children, but He is a wise Parent. He wants to make sure His gifts are right for us. To know what to ask for, we have to be in touch with who we really are and what are our real motives.
Love - Many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear. Having closed their heart to others, they feel empty and meaningless. We need to take responsibility for our God-given loving function and use it. Love concealed or love rejected can both kill us. Many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. They have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. Often they will say, "Others' love can not 'get in.'" This statement negates their responsibility to respond. We maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area.
Considering all of the above, setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work. But it is worth it!
GOD, HIS TRUTH, AND OUR LIES
(05/03/2005 - Bill Bellican)
Each of us is affected by events in our past that have led to emotional wounding. We are fallen "image bearers" of Christ living in a fallen world. Certainly, we are affected by our own sinful choices as well as by the sins of others. Whether these events are traumatic or seemingly insignificant, they are fertile ground for distorted thinking, misperceptions, and lies to become embedded. The historical memories containing these "lies" too often are triggered by present events and act as unhealthy filters as we think, feel, and act in the present. In addition to our own distorted thinking, Satan capitalizes on these lies using them as a way to keep us in bondage, weakened, ineffective, and destructive to ourselves and those around us. Satan would have us live an emotionally unhealthy, unfulfilled life in darkness. In contrast, God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are Truth and desire us to walk and live in the truth. God knows that His truth will dispel the lies we believe, bring light to the darkness, and will set us totally free. Then we are able to more fully love God, love others, serve God, and enjoy a more fulfilled relationship with God. The following Scriptures are listed to open your thinking about lies, the truth, Who God is, and how Satan works. Prayerfully read and reflect upon them asking God to apply His truth to your heart.
Genesis 18:14a Is anything too hard for the Lord?
NOTE: The answer is "no." Nothing in God's will is impossible for Him.
Exodus 23:29-30 But I will not drive them out in a single year…Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.
NOTE: Many times God works with us through a process by which He prepares us for the next step.
Numbers 33:50a-55 …the Lord said to Moses, "…When you cross the Jordan into Canaan, drive out all the inhabitants of the land before you…Take possession of the land and settle in it, for I have given you the land to possess…But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live.
NOTE: It is critical for us to allow God continually to root out all lies and distorted beliefs, or they can be triggered causing us continued problems.
Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.
NOTE: This indicates total involvement and commitment. The Lord longs to bring us His truth.
Joshua 4:24 He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God.
NOTE: The Lord wants us to realize that He accomplishes His work without our help.
Joshua 5:13-14 Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, "Are you for us or for our enemies?" "Neither," he replied, "but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come." Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, "What message does my Lord have for his servant?"
NOTE: We must know our place. It is not that God is on our side; rather, we must fight God's battles. God has sent the commander of his heavenly armies to take charge of the battle on earth. He will fight on our behalf. We must be willing by faith to receive the truth from the Lord.
Joshua 6:1-20 Now Jericho was tightly shut up because of the Israelites. No one went out and no one came in. Then the Lord said to Joshua, "See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands….March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days….On the seventh day, march around the city seven times, with the priests blowing the trumpets….When the trumpets sounded, the people shouted, and at the sound of the trumpet, when the people gave a loud shout, the wall collapsed; so every man charged straight in, and they took the city.
NOTE: Marching around the city was a ritual act signifying a siege of the city that was to be repeated for six days. The Lord was laying siege to the city. At times, He may choose to lay siege to the walls around our memories, lies, and pain.
Job 12:22 He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.
NOTE: God knows even secret, evil plans/thoughts. His light penetrates the deepest darkness.
Job 42:5 My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
NOTE: It is one thing to know God and another to "feel" and experience God's truth with eyes of faith and spiritual understanding. Freedom occurs when we trust God to apply to our lives the truths we had previously only known.
Psalm 28:6-7a Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
NOTE: The Lord realizes the need we have for the truth. He is our help as we look to Him.
Psalm 33:4 For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.
NOTE: No power or combination of powers can thwart God's plan and purpose to save his people. Under the Lord's rule in the creation, there is goodness, order, dependability, and truth.
Psalm 36:9b …In your light we see light.
Psalm 43:3a Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me.
NOTE: God's light invades and removes the darkness giving us a clearer, more focused view of the present that is based on His truth.
Psalm 66:18 If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.
NOTE: Sin can be a barrier to the Lord bringing His truth to us.
Psalm 77:13-14a Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles.
Psalm 86:8,11a Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart.
NOTE: God is the only true God. No other "god" acts with such sovereign power. Dependence on and devotion to God ask that He save us from the enemy outside but also from our frailty within.
Psalm 119:130a The unfolding of your words gives light.
Psalm 139:7,12 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? Even the darkness will not be dark to you….for darkness is as light to you.
NOTE: Just as the whole creation offers no hiding place from the Lord, neither does even the darkness. There is no memory or lie that cannot be accessed by the Lord. He knows where everything is located.
Proverbs 2:6 For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
NOTE: As we cry out for, look for, and search for wisdom/truth, the Lord will bring it.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways
acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
NOTE: We must commit to God our need, helplessness, powerlessness, and inability to figure Him
out. We must refuse to come up with or rely on our own "answers" apart from Him. He will remove
the obstacles from your pathway and bring you to the place where He wants you to be.
Proverbs 8:14, 17b Counsel and sound judgement are mine; I have understanding and power…those who seek me find me.
Proverbs 30:5a Every word of God is flawless.
Isaiah 2:5 Come, O house of Jacob, let us walk in the light of the Lord.
Isaiah 9:2 The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.
NOTE: Jesus is the light for our darkened minds and the lies we believe. His light is truth.
Isaiah 31:1 Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses, who trust in the multitude of their chariots and in the great strength of their horsemen, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel, or seek help from the Lord.
NOTE: Our help and the truth must come from the Lord, alone. No one else can provide what He alone can provide.
Isaiah 45:19b I, the Lord, speak the truth; I declare what is right.
Isaiah 49:8a This is what the Lord says, "In the time of my favor, I will answer you."
NOTE: The Lord has a perfect timing in revealing His truth to us.
Isaiah 49:23b Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.
Isaiah 50:10b-11a Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze.
NOTE: When we try to help the Lord or find the answer ourselves, we will fail. We must simply "actively" wait for the Lord to accomplish His purpose in our lives and circumstances.
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
NOTE: We can't put God in a box to do things the way we think they should be done.
Isaiah 59:1-2 Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.
NOTE: God can do all things. But, our sins can be a barrier to God bringing us His truth. He longs for us to bring our sins to Him to be healed and released from them.
Isaiah 59:9b-10a We look for light, but all is darkness; for brightness, but we walk in deep shadows. Like the blind we grope along the wall, feeling our way like men without eyes.
NOTE: Too many times, we try to find our own solutions. We fail to take God as His word that He does want to bring us His truth to really set us free from our lies.
Isaiah 59:12-13 For our offenses are many in your sight, and our sins testify against us. Our offenses are ever with us, and we acknowledge our iniquities: rebellion and treachery against the Lord, turning our backs on our God…uttering lies our hearts have conceived.
NOTE: Too often, we choose to cling to the lies continually acting them out. Once we turn to the Lord, He accepts our request for forgiveness and freely brings His truth in His way and timing.
Isaiah 59:15-16a Truth is nowhere to be found. The Lord…was appalled that there was no one to intervene; so his own arm worked salvation for him.
NOTE: The Lord knows we are actually helpless to heal ourselves in any permanent way. He is the Author of truth, and He is willing to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.
Jeremiah 17:9-10a, 14 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind…Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.
NOTE: Wickedness/distorted thinking/lies must not be allowed to take root in the heart.
Jeremiah 20:12a O Lord Almighty, you who examine the righteous and probe the heart and mind…
Jeremiah 23:23-24 "Am I only a God nearby, declares the Lord, and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the Lord. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" declares the Lord.
NOTE: God is both transcendent and immanent; He lives in a high and holy place but also with him who is lowly in spirit. There is no place that the Lord can't access.
Jeremiah 32:17, 27 Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?
NOTE: The answer is, "No!"
Ezekiel 22:30 I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none.
NOTE: The counselor lends his strength to those who have been weakened by the lies as both counselor and counselee look to Christ for His truth.
Daniel 2:22 He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness and light dwells with him.
NOTE: God knows where the darkness is and what lurks in it. Only His light will be effective in this darkness.
Daniel 9:13b …all this disaster has come upon us, yet we have not sought the favor of the Lord our God by turning from our sins and giving attention to your truth.
NOTE: Too often, we remain in the darkness even if we don't like it. It is what we know. At times, we choose to believe that nothing can really change us or our situation. God's truth can bring true change.
Hosea 10:12:13a Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception.
NOTE: Be no longer unproductive, but repentant, making a radical new change and becoming productive and fruitful. It involves hard work to break up unplowed ground. Many times the Lord allows us to "seek and wait" on Him until He brings His truth at just the right time.
Micah 7:8b-9b Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light…He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.
Zechariah 4:6 So he said to me, "This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the Lord Almighty.
NOTE: The Lord Almighty is the One who brings freedom. It is not we who do this.
Matthew 8:2-3a A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing you can make me clean."…"I am willing, he said . "Be clean."
NOTE: The Lord is the God of truth, and He always is willing to bring His truth into our lives.
Matthew 10:34 Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
NOTE: As one becomes more healthy, others who remain dysfunctional will try to draw the one back into the family dysfunction. Additionally, as we seek the truth, the spirits of darkness/Satan become active in trying to hinder this process of becoming free.
Matthew 11:29-30 "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
NOTE: Jesus' easy yoke and light burden is receiving His truth and freedom from the burden of lies we believe.
Matthew 13:58 And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith.
NOTE: We have to allow God to exist "outside of the box" we tend to put him in realizing His ways and thoughts are above ours. Otherwise, our ability to receive His truth is dulled.
Matthew 16:16-17 Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven."
NOTE: When Jesus "breaks into" one's life to reveal His truth, it is not the product of humanity/our own minds, but of Divine revelation.
Matthew 18:3 And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
NOTE: Trusting and unpretentious behavior like little children is necessary.
Matthew 19:26 Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 28:20b And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
NOTE: Jesus will not abandon us allowing us to trust in His presence always.
Mark 1:40-42b A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing you can make me clean. I am willing…Be clean.
Mark 2:3-5 Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, thy made an opening in the rook above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven."
NOTE: Jesus recognized that the bold action of the paralyzed man and his friends gave evidence of faith. Even so, the men had to work in faith to reach the Lord with their friend.
Mark 4:37-40 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
NOTE: Jesus is always in control. He is never intimidated by the worst of problems we face. He calls on us to believe in His ability to handle all situations and to do that which we find impossible.
Mark 5:24b-28 A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years…she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed."
NOTE: The woman was healed because God graciously determined to reward her faith.
Mark 5: 36 Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."
Mark 6:5-6 He could not do any miracles there…And he was amazed at their lack of faith.
NOTE: Jesus chose not to perform miracles in such a climate of unbelief.
Mark 9:22b-23 "But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." "'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
NOTE: The question centered on whether the father had faith to believe Jesus could heal. A person who truly believes will set no limits on what God can do.
Mark 10:15 "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
NOTE: The kingdom of God must be received as a gift; it may be entered only by those who know they are helpless, without claim or merit.
Mark 10:27 "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
NOTE: Apart from the grace of God, no one can be saved or healed.
Mark 10:51-52a "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to
see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you."
NOTE: Jesus wants us to realize what we need from Him.
Luke 1:37 "For nothing is impossible with God."
Luke 5:12b-13a "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"
NOTE: Jesus is willing to meet us at our point of need in answer to our faith.
Luke 5:18-20 Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus. When Jesus saw their faith, he said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven."
Luke 5:39 "And no one after drinking old wine wants the new, for he says, 'The old is better.'"
NOTE: Jesus was indicating the reluctance of some people to change from their traditional religious ways and try to think "out of their religious box."
Luke 8:50b "Don't be afraid; just believe…"
Luke 13:12 When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity."
NOTE: The spirit had been cast out, and the woman was freed from the bond of Satan and from her physical handicap. In the process of healing, Jesus caused her to face the reality of her pain. He causes us to face the reality of painful memories as the lies are determined.
Luke 18:17 "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it."
NOTE: With total dependence, full trust, frank openness and complete sincerity.
Luke 18:27 Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God."
Luke 18:35-42 …A blind man was sitting by the roadside…He called out, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near, Jesus asked him, "What do you want me to do for you?" "Lord, I want to see," he replied. Jesus said to him, "Receive your sight; your faith has healed you."
NOTE: It seems that Jesus wants us to fully understand our problem and realize what we are asking Him to do for us.
John 1:4-5 In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.
NOTE: From Christ comes all spiritual illumination. He is the "light of the world" who holds out wonderful hope for all.
John 1:17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 5:8-13a Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked…The man who was healed had no idea who it was (that healed him).
NOTE: Ordinarily, faith in Jesus was essential to be healed, but here the man did not even know who Jesus was. Jesus usually healed in response to faith, but he was not limited by a person's lack of it.
John 8:32, 36 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
NOTE: The truth Jesus brings dispels the lies and allows freedom. Those whom Jesus frees, are truly and completely freed.
John 8:44b He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
NOTE: The truth is foreign to Satan who stands in direct opposition to the truth Christ brings.
John 14:6a Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life.
John 14:16-17a "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever -- the Spirit of truth."
John 16:13a "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth."
John 17:17 (Jesus in His prayer to the Father) "Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth."
NOTE: In essence and in action the Spirit is characterized by truth. He brings people to the truth of God. All three persons of the Trinity are linked with truth.
John 20:27b (Jesus to Thomas) "Stop doubting and believe."
NOTE: Jesus calls us to simply believe who He is and in What He does and says.
Acts 26:17b-18 "I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me."
NOTE: The role of the counselor is to be used by Jesus as a tool to bring the light of His truth to those who are encumbered by lies and Satan's deceit.
Romans 1:25a They exchanged the truth of God for a lie.
NOTE: In our fallen state, we choose to believe a lie over the truth.
Romans 7:22-8:2 For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work in my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
NOTE: Deliverance comes through Jesus Christ over the force within us at work preventing us from believing in God's truth. The controlling power of the Spirit frees us from the controlling power of sin and the lies it produces.
Romans 8:6 The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace;
NOTE: The mind of the sinful nature leads to death/lies. The mind of the Spirit-controlled nature leads to freedom/peace.
Romans 12:2b …but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
NOTE: This is the process of the truth permeating the thought/will.
1 Corinthians 4:5b He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness…
NOTE: God will find and expose the deepest lies of the mind.
2 Corinthians 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
NOTE: The presence of the Lord brings freedom.
2 Corinthians 4:4 The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ.
NOTE: The devil is the archenemy of God and the unseen power behind all unbelief and ungodliness. He attempts to infect all with his lies to keep unbelievers and believers from walking in the freedom that Christ brings.
2 Corinthians 5:21 God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
NOTE: Christ, the only entirely righteous One, at Calvary took our sin upon Himself and endured the punishment we deserved, namely, death and separation from God. Thus, by a marvelous exchange, He made it possible for us to receive His righteousness and be reconciled to God. Our standing and our acceptance before God are solely in Him. All this is God's doing. Given this, it is all the more believable that Christ would want to bring us His truth to dispel the lies we believe.
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
NOTE: As the center of our very being becomes exposed to and fully subject to the lordship of Christ, every stronghold of lies is demolished.
2 Corinthians 11:14-15 And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.
NOTE: Even when masquerading as an angel of light, this Great Deceiver remains forever the prince of darkness and father of lies.
Galatians 5:1a It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
NOTE: Christ sets us free from the burden of lies in which we are caught and entangled.
Galatians 5:13a You, my brothers, were called to be free.
NOTE: God wants us free from lies/bondage to better serve Him and each other in love.
Ephesians 1:17-19a I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.
NOTE: As Christ brings truth to dispel the lies we believe, our mind, understanding, and inner awareness can more certainly believe in the hope He offers.
Ephesians 3:17b-21 And I pray that you…may have power…to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory…for ever and ever!
` NOTE: God, who is infinite in all his attributes, allows us to draw on His resources to believe in that which is beyond our human capability -- that He is willing and able to break-in our past -- to free us and redeem our present -- to enable us to live a more fulfilled future.
Ephesians 4:26 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
NOTE: Anger directed toward injustice is appropriate. However, it is important that it is appropriately expressed and released to Christ not being allowed to turn into bitterness.
Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
NOTE: Such things grieve the Holy Spirit and become a barrier to Christ bringing His truth to us. We must allow Christ to take these things away from us and onto Himself.
Ephesians 6:11-18 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all thee flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
NOTE: Our battles can't be fought only using human resources. The battle is actually against powerful, evil beings in the unseen world. Human effort is inadequate, but God's power is invincible. Ours is a spiritual battle and must be fought in God's strength, depending on the Word and on God through prayer.
Philippians 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
NOTE: Union with the living, exalted Christ is the secret of contentment and the source of our strength as we trust Him to bring us His truth. We are not helpless in any way.
Colossians 2:6-7 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
NOTE: We must continue to be "rooted" in Christ in an intimate, spiritual, living union.
2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
NOTE: Confusion and weakness are not from God. He calls on us to wait confidently for Him as he brings His truth.
Hebrews 1:1 In the past God spoke to our forefathers through the prophets at many times and in various ways, but in these last days he has spoken to us by his Son, whom he appointed heir of all things, and through whom he made the universe.
NOTE: God is not limited in how He chooses to bring His truth to us. In these last days, the creator of the universe is the One who brings the truth.
Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
NOTE: God's truth was revealed by Jesus. His words are active in accomplishing God's purposes through a living power that works as an all-seeing eye, penetrating the totality and depth of our innermost being.
Hebrews 6:18b …it is impossible for God to lie…
NOTE: God is absolutely trustworthy.
Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
NOTE: This "bitter root" or pride, anger, animosity, rivalry, or anything else harmful to others can block God bringing his truth and healing grace.
James 1:5-6a If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and
it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt…
NOTE: Wisdom is not just acquired information, but practical insight/truth generated by the Spirit.
James 1:18a He chose to give us birth through the word of truth…
NOTE: Since He gave us birth through His word of truth, He surely wants us to live and walk in His truth.
James 1:21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.
James 3:14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.
NOTE: All barriers to Christ bringing His truth must be removed with His enabling.
1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God…who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
NOTE: God does not want his chosen ones to dwell in the darkness of lies but rather would have us live in the light of his truth.
1 Peter 5:8 Be self controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 John 1:5b God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
1 John 1:6-10 If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
NOTE: Light represents what is good, true and holy, while darkness represents what is evil and false. To live and walk in darkness is characterized by wickedness and error/lies, while to walk in the light is characterized by holiness and truth. For Christ to be free to bring us His truth, it is critical that we bring to Him all known sins that He may forgive us and restore our communion with Him.
1 John 2:8b …its truth is seen in him and you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining.
NOTE: As we look to Jesus, the darkness passes as the light of His truth shines within our minds.
1 John 2:21b …no lie comes from the truth.
NOTE: The truth is completely freeing and overcomes the lies of our minds.
1 John 4:18a There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.
NOTE: There is no fear of God's judgement because genuine love confirms salvation. To be frightened/fearful of God is based on a lie and is part of Satan's deception.
1 John 5:6b …the Spirit is the truth.
3 John 4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
Impossible Marriage
(Question/Answer re "Impossible Marriage" Situation by Michelle Wiener-Davis, Author of Divorce Busting.)
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING, BUT NOTHING WORKS !!!
QUESTION --
Dear Michele:
"I'm working on my marriage, but it still isn't working."
Michele, after reading your books (Divorce Remedy, Divorce Busting and Getting Through to the Man You Love), I have one question: The underlying assumption of all three books is that you DO love your spouse. I am in a situation in which I don't really love my spouse, and actually often don't like or respect him. Yet he is a good father, and our children are incredibly devoted to our little family. I definitely believe that a divorce would be the best thing for ME (and probably for him), but the worst thing for my children. It's been hard for me to try to divorce bust because I can't seem to get over the hump of feeling I'm knocking myself out to work on something I don't really want, namely, staying married to my husband. Does this mean mine is just one of the marriages that can't be saved? Most of the posts I read on the boards seem to be from people who WANT their spouses. Any comments would be appreciated, and I'm sure would be enlightening to many on the board, because I've heard from many about to be Walkaway Wife's who feel the same way I do -- little, if any, love or respect for our spouses, and little, if any, desire to be married to them. Thank you.
Jenny
ANSWER --
Dear Jenny,
You ask an interesting question and I hope my response will be helpful.
First, I want you to know that your assumption that my books presuppose love for one's spouse is completely incorrect. My books presuppose a commitment to working on one's marriage. It is absolutely true that when you love your spouse, it makes going through the hard times more palatable and sharing the good times more enjoyable. No question about it. But I don't assume people reading the books love their spouses.
I know you won't like what I'm about to say, but I can tell from your post that you have never really committed to working on your marriage. Yes, I know you've had a telephone consultation and some counseling. But that doth not commitment make. Too many people say they're working on their marriages when they drag their bodies to therapy or talk to some sort of expert. That's not even scratching the surface. Working on your marriage means making the decision to be there in spirit, not necessarily to be head over heels in love when you start, but to invest yourself fully.
Working on your marriage means giving of yourself completely, putting your spouse's needs before your own- and vise versa. It means quitting the game of keeping score. It means forgiving and letting go. Working on your marriage means focusing on people's strengths and downplaying their shortcomings. It means not expecting to have all or even the majority of your needs satisfied by one person. It means vowing to have a full and satisfying life of your own so that you don't blame your spouse unfairly about your unhappiness. It means appreciating the little things and overlooking life's annoyances. It means recognizing that no one, not even you or me, is perfect.
I'm not sure why I think this, but I have a distinct feeling that you are holding on to resentments from the past. (I don't even know you but the feeling is there nonetheless). It seems to me, that your current willingness to stay is built on guilt and self-sacrifice rather than any pleasure derived from the gift you would be giving your children and "your little family" and as a result, yourself. As long as you look at staying through the eyes of resentment, you will not be able to fully immerse yourself in what you need to do to make your family truly work.
Unfortunately, no one, not your parents, friends, family, therapist, clergy or me, can make the decision to have a good, healthy family for you. Only you can make that choice. You have been sitting on the fence- staying but holding back. (Maybe that's why you chose Paradox as your username.) This won't get you where you need to go. I can promise you that. Make a decision. Own your decision. Stop fooling yourself into thinking you're working on things when you're not. If you feel you can't forgive and start fresh, take ownership of that. Go. However, you know my first choice. But in the end, that doesn't really matter. Yours is the choice that matters. If you choose marriage, the rest is relatively easy. You decide. Love is a decision.
Michele
Grief and the Christian Family
"Why does a loving God allow tragedy? Why doesn't He just stop terrible things from happening? What is going to happen next? How is this going to affect me and my family? Am I safe? Is there going to be a war? Can I go on my high school trip without being killed? What is going to happen next?"
How can parents explain death, divorce, or terrorism to children and teens when they don't even understand it themselves? These questions keep running through everyone's mind, adults and kids alike. We feel so angry, so sad, so helpless, even so guilty for having a good day. What we all feel is grief. It's a short word that stands for a whole array of excruciating emotions. Now, while in the midst of one of the most difficult times in our country, we have to go to work, or mow the lawn, or do the laundry, or balance the checkbook, or even be a parent to a child or teen we dearly love- previously sheltered youth who are hurting as much as we are and understand their own sorrow even less. There's only one thing we can do. Wrap ourselves in the love of the Lord and let Him carry us through.
Grief, this confusing, devastating, volatile mixture of emotions, is a natural response to any loss: death, divorce, loss of health, familiar surroundings, or treasured possessions. This article will discuss the impact of grief on the family and give suggestions for parents on what to expect and how to help. Much of the discussion will center around the death of a family member, but grief also accompanies a divorce or national terrorism. The only difference is the intensity.
Grief affects the mind, body, and spirit. It seems impossible to concentrate or think clearly enough to make even the simplest decision. The body reacts in unexpected ways: pain, sickness, sleeplessness, difficulty breathing, overwhelming fatigue for some, and for others, amazing bursts of energy. For a few, grief brings a deeper, more satisfying walk with their Lord. For many, a massive wall is built between them and their Savior. Surely, all who take the journey through grief find that it transforms their relationship toward God. For example, Susan, a high school student, couldn't think clearly and had a sharp drop in her grades after a loss. She tried to deny the pain, but it showed. The stress caused her skin to turn a bright red and she quickly gained twenty pounds. Despite this, she learned to depend on God to help her though the sleepless nights. Stephen, on the other hand, has not been to church since he lost his father five years ago. He, like many, is mad at God. Even now, his grief is unresolved.
Normal grief is an essential part of healing. Abnormal grief occurs when a person withdraws too long, pushes others away, or becomes bitter and depressed. Unresolved grief may cause involvement in detrimental activities such as drugs, alcohol, or other addictions. It can even affect the immune system and increase the risk of cancer. Grief seems like a silent enemy, but if you face the enemy head-on, it can become your friend.
Since the loss of security and a sense of trust can cause grief, we are currently a nation of mourners. We all hurt for the families of those lost on September 11. Those who have already experienced a loss, such as divorce or the death of a loved one, can have a particularly difficult time in a national tragedy. The following information is written for those who have had a personal loss, yet the process is the same for all grief. Certainly it is infinitely longer and more profound for those who have lost a family member, yet the information and suggestions can be used by anyone who is concerned about how their kids are coping with the nation's tragedy. Parents need to find ways to tenderly touch the fragile hearts of every family member so they can talk about their most sensitive emotions and encourage one another in Christ.
A major loss often causes such a disruption that the family system can never fully recover. There are families that learn, with the help of the Lord, to comfort and support one another and, through the process, become closer and stronger. What is the difference between the families that survive the loss and those that fall apart? It seems that the survivors learn to communicate their feelings with each other and with God. This is agonizing at first, especially to children and teens. Children have active imaginations and think they can cope by pretending the loss didn't happen and nothing has changed. Teens are usually reluctant to share their feelings with the family, so they try to work through their grief alone and pretend they are unaffected by the loss. This pretending is not healthy for adults or teens.
Everyone will experience some type of loss, and loss often leads to misconceptions. These misconceptions are often called magical thinking. Adults often use magical thinking somewhat jokingly when they say, "I'm going to take my umbrella so it won't rain," or "I knew it would rain because I just finished washing my car." We know we can't control the weather, but there's an almost imperceptible feeling that we can. With kids it is a strong but silent feeling that causes much pain. Just like adults secretly think they control the weather, kids believe their thoughts control the world around them. In the deepest part of their being, they know the loss is their fault. Sometimes they believe in their hearts that a certain thought or action caused the loss, but sometimes they just know they are responsible. They only wish they knew what they did so they would be sure not to do it again. Just like Kevin in the movie, "Home Alone," who wished his parents would disappear and woke up thinking his wish had come true, a child will believe an angry thought or wish was responsible for the loss.
Because it's very difficult for children to admit these misconceptions, it's important to keep communication open so they feel free to talk about these feelings. Adults and teens usually think this way after a loss, too. "What if I hadn't had that fight with my Mom?" "What if I had called the doctor sooner?" "What if I had driven that day?" "What if I had been at home?" It's easy to get caught up in this type of thinking, especially after a death, but the simple truth is that God has a time appointed for each person to die and there's nothing anyone can do to change God's timing. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2) We can only trust that He has an eternal reason. Each life is like a mural on a wall, and He sees the whole picture before we are ever conceived.
Death is abstract and children think in concrete ways. Yet it is essential that they know the truth about the death of their loved one and the spiritual significance surrounding it. Most teens have begun to think abstractly. They want to find meaning in the loss. Be honest about the events surrounding the death, but keep the explanation simple. Answer questions honestly, but leave out the dreadful details.
Liz, a woman in her thirties, told this story while in a drug treatment program. When she was young, her father died of a freak accident. Her mother never told her anything. She just whisked her away to the neighbor's house. Liz asked questions when she saw her dad's picture on television, but instead of getting answers, she was rushed out of the room. No one even told her that her father had died. The philosophy then was to protect kids from hearing about tragedy, but it's no surprise that Liz had an addiction, how could she ever grieve the loss of her daddy when she didn't even know why he never came home again? She turned to drugs to deaden the pain of her unresolved grief. In trying to protect her from the truth, her family left her to the lies of her own imagination.
Kids need someone to explain to them what is happening in their lives and to assure them that they won't be alone. One of their greatest fears in a loss is that there will be no one to take care of them. They need to be told who will be there for them. In most cases, children are attached to both parents and feel that a part of them is missing if a parent leaves or dies. They are also bonded to siblings and grandparents. After a loss, they see their families as a puzzle with one of the pieces missing. They often feel fractured and powerless, with no sense of direction in their lives. Teens feel sad, but they are more comfortable expressing their anger. Many try to fill the role of the missing family member and become prematurely faces with grown-up responsibilities. Kids need someone outside themselves on whom they can depend. They need someone to hold them and tell them that when everyone else is busy trying to rebuild their own lives, God is always there. Adults need this, too, so a wise parent looks to their friends and their church for support during this troublesome time.
No two people react the same way to loss and each individual's feelings and reactions change from minute to minute. Children's understanding of loss changes as they get older. Infants and toddlers believe that when an object is out of sight, it ceases to exist. They enjoy the game of "peek-a-boo" because it helps them begin to accept separation and loss. Since they are incapable of understanding that some people do not return, they can't conceive of the permanence of death. If an infant loses the nurturing parent, bonding will be broken. It is essential for their future emotional health that they bond with another person. Children who have not completely bonded might be quite charming and make friends quickly, but they have difficulty developing long term relationships because they have never learned to trust. Some have more severe problems. These children need much emotional support and often could benefit from Christian counseling.
Preschoolers are still trying to grasp the idea of object permanence and they are dealing with much magical thinking. Because they feel responsible for the loss, they may feel guilt and shame. They think death is reversible, like it is in cartoons, and may ask many questions about biological functions. If parents get divorced, they will try their best to get them remarried. They can get lost in play and temporarily forget about the loss. Because their imaginations are so active, it is important that they be told the truth about the cause of the loss at a level they can understand. Children who are not told the truth will make up an explanation for the changes in their lives. Their imaginations run wild and adults would often be amazed to find what irrational thoughts are going through the minds of children. Before they can be completely free of the grief, little ones need someone to listen to their version of the story and correct their wrong thinking.
Between the ages of six and ten, children begin to understand that death is final, but they often personify it. It is important that euphemisms not be used, because children are very concrete and take what is said literally. A couple of stories demonstrate the literal thinking of children. Eight-year-old Devin said he is afraid of going to heaven. He thinks eternity is such a long time that he might get bored. He did admit, though, that heaven sounds better than hell. Jenny, age six, tried to console her grandmother after the death of her husband. She overheard Granny asking the undertaker if water would get into the casket. "Don't worry, Granny," said Jenny in her most reassuring voice, "God will give Granddaddy a drink of water."
Death can be explained to a school-age child as the time when the body stops moving and breathing and the spirit leaves. Use a puppet to explain this in a concrete way. When the hand is in the puppet, it moves. When the hand is removed from the puppet, the part that makes it move is gone and the puppet is lifeless. That is like what happens in death. The spirit leaves the body and the body no longer moves or breathes.
Children who experience the death of a family member while in elementary school are overwhelmed with sadness, but they feel they must control it. For many children, especially boys, anger is more socially acceptable. Some children resist the expression of any emotions, but their behavior shows how much they are suffering. Jonathan, age seven, refused to talk about his trauma, but he loved jabbing pencil lead into paper plates. As he was doing this, he was exclaiming, "I'm not angry! I'm not angry!" Jonathan needed help learning to admit his normal anger. If children are not encouraged to express their feelings, they may never resolve their grief.
Teens try to find meaning in their loss. Although they feel sad, they are also more comfortable expressing their anger, which in some cases can lead to violence. Teens who experience the divorce of their parents may find it difficult to trust in dating relationships They long to retreat to their childhood just when more responsibility is being expected of them. They may feel guilt about their normal adolescent rebelliousness, thinking they should have spent more time with the person they lost.. If a parent dies during a time the teen is in rebellion, this can cause a strong feeling of shame, which is too embarrassing to admit, but can haunt the person for years. Allen, a man in his forties, wept when he finally revealed that, as a teen, he had chosen to play tennis rather than go to the hospital the day his father died.
Kids of all ages who are grieving may feel sad, lonely, guilty, and very angry. To avoid thinking, they are often in constant motion and have difficulty concentrating in school. They need the opportunity to express these strong feelings in appropriate ways. Like adults, kids need to grieve, but also like adults, they can resolve the loss. It is important that they receive prompt and accurate information about the loss and are allowed to ask questions, participate in the family grieving rituals, and have a comforting adult to rely upon.
In telling kids about a loss, whether right after it happened or while discussing it later, be sure they know they are not alone. Use physical contact and be direct. Reassure them it was not their fault and it is not going to happen to them. Then encourage them to talk about the loss.
Children, teens, and adults move through the grief process in their own unique way, yet kids can experience the stages differently from adults. Jewitt (1982) describes the ways grief might affect kids. In the early stages of grief, youngsters may experience shock, denial, and a feeling of numbness, as if God is letting the loss sink in slowly. They will seem lifeless, smiling on cue, with possible outbursts of panic. Some may act as if they are not bothered by the news. Physical symptoms can include increased heart rate, tension, sighing, and relaxed bowel and bladder control. There is a possibility of sickness, nervousness, and trouble sleeping. The child needs comfort, warmth, and structure.
There are several forms of denial. Children may seem to forget the loved one is not returning. They may reject the loved one or refuse to admit that the person ever existed. For teens, it may be the feelings that are denied, as if to say, "This isn't happening." Children and teens often use excessive talking or hyperactivity to keep from thinking about the loss. Many will fear being alone. Some kids are too busy adjusting to a new situation to grieve. If denial lasts longer than three to six months, professional counseling may be needed.
As youngsters begin to face reality, their grief becomes overwhelming. They go between thinking about the loss and ignoring it, strong emotions and apathy. They need free time for this period of grief, so too many extracurricular activities can delay the grief process. They are often preoccupied with the lost person and wish he or she was still in their lives. They may be very active or bargain to get the person back, as if they are thinking they have some control over the loss. Since kids model the way their parent expresses grief, they should be included in the mourning process. Sharing tears can be a healing and bonding experience.
Just before kids begin to reorganize their lives, they go through the worst, but fortunately the shortest stage, depression. There is a sense of hopelessness, which may include slower movement, physical symptoms, helplessness, loss of appetite, and even fleeting thoughts of suicide. After this difficult period, kids begin to realize that life can go on and they are going to be all right. This doesn't mean they are happy, but the strong, overpowering feelings are gone. Even small new losses, such as a move or the loss of a pet, can bring back the waves of grief. These secondary losses can revive all the previous emotions with a vengeance.
Adults must also journey through the grief process in their own way. As with children, the initial reaction to loss is shock and denial. The griever is not ready to accept the loss and reacts with a numb, empty feeling. There may be tears, some difficulty breathing, disorientation, and a need to do nothing but sit and stare. This fatigue may continue as the numbness gives way to overpowering emotions: anger, guilt, fear, panic, loneliness, sadness. There may be physical illness, tension, and aches and pains. Sleeping may be difficult, or the griever may want to escape into a slumber or some other type of isolation. The person will be edgy and may react to life's little difficulties more strongly than usual. As time goes on, those who are moving normally through the grief process will begin to find new interests or revive old ones and find a new life without the loved one. This doesn't mean they miss the person less or are happy about the loss. It just means they have found a way to resume their own lives.
For adults, teens, and children the grief comes in waves and can be brought on unexpectedly by a sound, a smell, or a thought at any time or any place. Something as simple as a trip to the grocery store can bring back memories that make the loss seem as if it has just happened. A smell of fresh lemons, a song played so low on the PA system that it's not consciously heard, or a glance at the loved ones favorite food can produce a tidal wave of almost forgotten emotions. Talking about the loss and the loved one seems to facilitate a healthy progression through the grief process. Getting your family members to open their hearts and face their sorrow this way can be difficult, but there are some communications skills that may help.
Communication Despite the loss, you want your family to feel lovable and important. Your communication is like a mirror in which others see themselves; so it is important that you use good communication skills in discussing your loss. For children, especially young children, nonverbal communication speaks louder than verbal communication. If your nonverbal communication agrees with your verbal communication, then children feel they can trust what you say.
The most effective communication skill is listening carefully for feelings. Children don't always have the words for their feelings, so they may need help in labeling them. Teens often have a difficult time talking to their parent about their feelings, yet a wise parent finds ways to draw out the emotions of their teens. Even adults feel understood if the listener responds with a word that describes their emotions. Practice using a skill called reflective listening. That involves listening for the feeling in a communication and reflecting that feeling back to the speaker. A good way to use this skill would be to listen and then say, "It sounds like you feel _________." If you are wrong, the speaker will correct you, which makes the person have to think about his or her feelings to answer you. It is even more effective if you add the reason you think the speaker feels that way. Reflective listening requires sensitive listening to the speaker's verbal and nonverbal messages and reflecting back the total message empathically without judgment.
This kind of communication can be helpful to a kid who is having behavior problems due to anger, because negative feelings always exist before negative acts and another feeling always comes before anger. It is usually fear or sadness. When we respond to the anger by reflective listening, then kids lead us to the underlying feeling. When youngsters have strong emotions, it is important to listen carefully to what feelings they are trying to express, accept the feelings without necessarily accepting the behavior, and providing an acceptable outlet for the expression of the feelings.
Another communication skill is called "I" messages. An "I" message can be used when the speaker's behavior causes a feeling in you. This is a way to model the expression of feelings. "I" messages are effective because they express feelings without blaming. Follow this formula: "When you do _________________, I feel _________________, because ____________. For example, "When you say unkind things to Billy, I feel sad, because I care about Billy's feelings." It is important to help your family move through the grief process by working through their emotions. This is accomplished by allowing each member an opportunity to tell their story and explain their feelings. This can be difficult; so a parent can help by using good listening skills. Some of the skills that would be useful are:
1. Restatement - Let the speaker know you are listening by restating what was said in your own words.
2. Interpretation - Try to find the "why" behind the speaker's behavior. Behavior that is understood is easier to accept and change, however, asking a direct "why" question can often put speakers on the defensive. The truth may be that they don't even know why.
3. Confrontation - Point out the discrepancies between the speaker's verbal and nonverbal behavior. For example, "You say you are sad, but you are smiling." This helps family members to see that their behavior is not matching their feelings and the behavior may need to be reevaluated.
4. Minimal encouragers - Add the little "umhums" that show you are listening.
5. Summarization - Bring together the main points of the conversation.
6. Open-ended questions - Ask questions that encourage the family members to explore their thoughts and feelings by having to give an explicit answer. These questions usually start with how, what, would, or could.
7. Closed-ended questions - When there is a need for facts, ask a question that can be answered with a yes or no or other specific information. These questions are necessary sometimes, but they do not encourage communication on a feeling level.
8. Looking for misconceptions - Listen carefully for misconceptions about the death and the beliefs surrounding it. When you discover these misconceptions, be aware that they can be deeply held beliefs and it may take time and effort for a person to internalize the truth.
Whether a loss was the death of a family member, a divorce, or terrorism and the accompanying loss of security, the grief process is the same. A death or divorce is more devastating, while terrorism can cause a great increase in fear. A caring parent gives lots of hugs, even to teens who act like they don't want them. A wise parent listens and encourages the younger members of the family to talk about whatever feelings they have. Even if the parent doesn't agree with the feeling, it should be accepted as legitimate to the person who shares it. The following verses may be helpful for dealing with some common emotions:
Fear- Philippians 4:6-7 and Hebrews 13:5
Anger- James 1:19-20
Guilt- 1 John 1:9
Powerlessness-Ephesians 3:16
After a loss, the best thing a parent can do is turn to God for comfort and lead the family to do the same.
Bibliography
Jewett, C. L. (1982). Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss. Harvard Common Press, Harvard, Mass.
The Marriage Map
from The Divorce Remedy, Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W
The marriage map is meant to give you a broad overview of the experiences
most couples have when they negotiate the marital terrain. As you read
through these stages and developmental passages, don't get too hung up on the
timetable. Some couples move through these stages more quickly than others,
and some bypass certain stages entirely. See if any of this sounds familiar
to you as you think about your own marriage and that of friends and family.
Stage One- Passion prevails
Head over heels in love, you can't believe how lucky you are to have met your
one and only star-crossed lover. Everything other than the relationship
quickly fades into the background. Much to your amazement, you have so much
in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants and movies. You
even like each other's friends. You can finish each other's sentences. When
you pick up the phone to call your partner, he or she is already on the line
calling you. You are completely in sync. Everything is perfect, just the way
you imagined it would be. When little, annoying things pop up, they're
dismissed and overlooked.
At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and
physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic
period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the
production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive
attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality. You feel good in your
partner's presence and start to believe that he or she is bringing out the
best in you. Depression sets in when you're apart. There aren't enough
hours in the day to be together. You never run out of things to say. Never,
never, have you felt this way before. "It must be love," you tell yourself.
While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to
spending the rest of their lives together. "And why not," you reason, "we're
perfect together." And marry, you do.
Unless you elope or opt for a simple, judge's chambers-style wedding, your
euphoria takes a temporary nosedive as you plan and execute your wedding.
Once you get past the superhuman challenges dealing with family politics and
hosting a modern-day wedding, your starry-eyed obsession with each other
re-emerges and takes you through the honeymoon period. At last, you are
one. You have committed your lives to each other forever- soul mates in the
eyes of God and the world. And for a period of time, nothing could be more
glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering
awakening; marriage isn't at all what you expected it to be.
Stage Two- What was I thinking?
In some ways, stage two is the most difficult because it is here that you
experience the biggest fall. After all, how many miles is it from bliss to
disillusionment? Millions. What accounts for this drastic change in
perspective? For starters, reality sets in. The little things start to
bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning,
spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the
kitchen counter, never wraps food properly before it's put in the
refrigerator and, to top things off, snoring has become a way of life. There
are big things too.
Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now
realize that there are many, many differences between you. Although you
share interests in hobbies, you disagree about how often you want to
participate in them. You like the same kinds of restaurants, but you enjoy
eating out often while your partner prefers staying home and saving money.
Your tastes in music are compatible, but you prefer quiet time in the evening
while your mate enjoys blasting the stereo. You have many common friends,
but you can't agree on which nights to see them.
You're confused about what's going on. You wonder if an alien abducted your
partner and left you with this strange and complicated being, a person with
whom you can't agree on a single thing. You argue about everything. "Who is
this obstinate person I married?" you ask yourself. "What was I thinking?"
You knew life wouldn't always be a bed of roses, but you never thought all
you'd get was a bed of thorns. You figured that love would carry you through
the rough spots, but you didn't imagine there'd be times you didn't feel
love. You feel so disillusioned and you wonder if you made a mistake. When
you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand
the real meaning of eternity.
Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred
spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions.
For example, it is now that you decide whether and when to have children,
where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how
your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and who will
do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in
mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the
next decade or so trying to "win" and get their partners to change, which
tr
Stage Three- Everything would be great if you changed
In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of
looking at things, your spouse's way and your way, also known as the Right
Way. Even if couples begin marriage with the enlightened view that there are
many valid perspectives on any given situation, they tend to develop severe
amnesia quickly. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples
often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong.
That's because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the
marriage. Do it my way, and the marriage will work, do it yours and it
won't.
When people are in this state of mind, they have a hard time understanding
why their spouses are so glued to their way of seeing things. They assume it
must be out of stubbornness, spitefulness or a need to control. What they
don't realize is that their spouses are thinking the same thing about them!
Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper. Anger, hurt
and frustration fill the air. Little or no attempt is made to see the other
person's point of view for fear of losing face or worse yet, losing a sense
of self.
Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. They're
hurt and frustrated because their lives seem like an endless confrontation.
They don't want to go on this way. Three choices become apparent. Convinced
they've tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they've
fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce seems like the only
logical solution. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and
decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live unhappily ever after.
But there are still others who decide that it's time to end the cold war and
begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting.
Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take
this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.
Stage Four- That's just way s/he is
In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never going
to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure
out what we must do to live more peaceably. We slowly accept that no amount
of reasoning, begging, nagging, yelling, or threatening changes our partners'
minds. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk
to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or
take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward
and seek solutions there.
We more readily forgive our spouses for their hardheadedness, and recognize
that we aren't exactly easy to live with either. We dare to ask ourselves
whether there's something about our own behavior that could use shaping up.
When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our
partner's shoes and, much to our surprise, we have a bit more compassion and
understanding. We recognize that, as with everything in life, we have to
accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently and when they
occur, they're not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of
marriage. We know how to push our partner's buttons and we consciously
decide not to. When we slip, we get better at making up because we remind
ourselves that life is short and very little is worth the pain of disharmony.
We learn that when you've wronged your spouse, love means always having to
say you're sorry. We mellow. We let things roll off our back that might
have caused us to go to battle before. We stop being opponents. We're
teammates again. And because we're smart enough to have reached this stage,
we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.
Stage Five- Together, at last
It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage
five, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to
pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and
what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. Even if you
always have loved your spouse, you start to notice how much you are really
liking him or her again. And then the strangest thing starts to happen. You
realize that the alien who abducted your spouse in stage two has been kind
enough to return him or her to you. You are pleased to discover that the
qualities you saw in your partner so very long ago never really vanished.
They were just camouflaged. This renews your feelings of connection.
By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history. And although
you'd both agree that marriage hasn't been easy, you can feel proud that
you've weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner's sense of
commitment and dedication to making your marriage last. You also look back
and feel good about your accomplishments as a couple, a family and as
individuals. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to
appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don't
appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. You feel closer and more
connected. If you have children, they're older and more independent,
allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you
start having "old day feelings" again. You have come full circle. The
feeling you were longing for during those stormy periods is back, at last.
You're home again.
About the marriage map
I'm certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow, they'd be more willing to tough it out through the
downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that
whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever.
That can be a depressing thought when you're in the midst of hard times. And
in marriage, there are lots hard times- unexpected problems with infertility,
the births of children (marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each
child), the challenges of raising a family, children leaving home,
infidelity, illnesses, deaths of close friends and family members. Even if
there is lots of joy accompanying these transitional stages, it's stressful
nonetheless. But it's important to remember that nothing lasts forever.
There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage.
Also, it's important to remember that people generally don't go through these
stages sequentially. It's three steps forward and two steps back. Just when
you begin to feel more at peace with each other in stage four, a crisis
occurs and you find yourselves slipping back to stage three- change your
partner or bust! But if you've been fortunate enough to have visited stage
four, sanity sets in eventually, and you get back on track. The quality and
quantity of love you feel for each other is never stagnant. Love is dynamic.
So is marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize
this. The more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend
hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last.
Michele Weiner-Davis, Author of Divorce Busting
10 REASONS TO BELIEVE IN A GOD WHO ALLOWS SUFFERING
(Adapted from RBC Ministries brochure)
1. Suffering Comes With The Freedom To Choose.
Loving parents long to protect their children from unnecessary pain. But wise parents know the danger of over-protection. They know that the freedom to choose is at the heart of what it means to be human, and that a world without choice would be worse than a world without pain. Worse yet would be a world populated by people who could make wrong choices without feeling any pain. No one is more dangerous than the liar, thief, or killer who doesn't feel the harm o he is doing to himself and to others (Gen. 2:15-17).
2. Pain Can Warn Us Of Danger.
We hate pain, especially in those we love. Yet without discomfort, the sick wouldn't go to a doctor. Worn-out bodies would get no rest. Criminals wouldn't fear the law. Children would laugh at correction. Without pangs of conscience, the daily dissatisfaction of boredom, or the empty longing for significance, people who are made to find satisfaction in an eternal Father would settle for far less. The example of Solomon, lured by pleasure and taught by his pain, shows us that even the wisest among us tend to drift from good and from God until arrested by the resulting pain of their own shortsighted choices (Eccl. 1-12; Ps. 78:34-35; Rom. 3:10-18).
3. Suffering Reveals What Is In Our Hearts.
Suffering often occurs at the hand of others. But is has a way of revealing what is in our own hearts. Capacities for love, mercy, anger, envy, and pride can lie dormant until awakened by circumstances. Strength and weakness of heart is found not when everything is going our way but when flames of suffering and temptation test the mettle of our character. As gold and silver are refined by fire, and as coal needs time and pressure to become a diamond, the human heart is revealed and developed by enduring the pressure and heat of time and circumstance. Strength of character is shown not when all is well with our world but in the presence of human pain and suffering. (Job 42:1-17; Rom. 5:3-5; James 1:1-5; 1 Pet. 1:6-8).
4. Suffering Takes Us To The Edge Of Eternity.
If death is the end of everything, then a life filled with suffering isn't fair. But if the end of this life brings us to the threshold of eternity, then the most fortunate people in the universe are those who discover, through suffering, that this life is not all we have to live for. Those who find themselves and their eternal God through suffering have not wasted their pain. They have let their poverty, grief, and hunger drive them to the Lord of eternity. They are the ones who will discover to their own unending joy why Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor n spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matt. 5:1-12; Rom. 8:18-19).
5. Pain Loosens Our Grip On This Life.
In time, our work and our opinions are sought less and less. Our bodies become increasingly worse for the wear. Gradually they succumb to inevitable obsolescence. Joints stiffen and ache. Eyes grow dim. Digestion slows. Sleep becomes difficult. Problems loom larger and larger while options narrow. Yet, if death is not the end but the threshold of a new day, then the curse of old age is also a blessing. Each new pain makes this world less inviting and the next life more appealing. In its own way, pain paves the way for a graceful departure.
6. Suffering Gives Opportunity To Trust God.
The most famous sufferer of all time was a man named Job. According to the Bible, Job lost his family to war, his wealth to wind and fire, and his health to painful boils. Through it all, God never told Job why it was happening. As Job endured the accusations of his friends, heaven remained silent. When God finally did speak, He did not reveal that His archenemy Satan had challenged Job's motives for serving God. Neither did the Lord apologize for allowing Satan to test Job's devotion to God. Instead, God talked about mountain goats giving birth, young lions on the hunt, and ravens in the next. He cited the behavior of the ostrich, the strength of the ox, and the stride of the horse. He cited the wonders of the heavens, the marvels of the sea, and the cycle of the seasons. Job was left to conclude that if God had the power and wisdom to create this physical universe, there was reason to trust that same God in times of suffering (Job 1-42).
7. God Suffers With Us In Our Suffering.
No one has suffered more than our Father in heaven. No one has paid more dearly for the allowance of sin into the world. No one has so continuously grieved over the pain of a race gone bad. No one has suffered like the One who paid for our sin in the crucified body of His own Son. No one has suffered more than the One who, when He stretched out His arms and died, showed us how much He loved us. It is this God who, in drawing us to Himself, asks us to trust Him when we are suffering and when our own loved ones cry out in our presence (1 Pet. 2:21; 3:18; 4:1).
8. God's Comfort Is Greater Than Our Suffering.
The apostle Paul pleaded with the Lord to take away an unidentified source of suffering. But the Lord declined saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." "Therefore," said Paul, "most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:9-10). Paul learned that he would rather be with Christ in suffering than without Christ in good health and pleasant circumstances.
9. In Times Of Crisis, We Find One Another.
No one would choose pain and suffering. But when there is no choice, there remains some consolation. Natural disasters and times of crisis have a way of bringing us together. Hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, riots, illnesses, and accidents all have a way of bringing us to our senses. Suddenly we remember our own mortality and that people are more important than things. We remember that we do need one another and than, above all, we need God.
Each time we discover God's comfort in our own suffering, our capacity to help others is increased. This is what the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" (2 Cor. 1:3-4).
10. God Can Turn Suffering Around For Our Good.
This truth is best seen in the many examples of the Bible. Through Job's suffering we see a man who not only came to a deeper understanding of God but who also became a source of encouragement for people in every generation to follow. Through the rejection, betrayal, enslavement, and wrongful imprisonment of a man named Joseph, we see someone who eventually was able to say to those who had hurt him, "You meant evil against me; but God meant if for good" (Gen. 50:20).
When everything in us screams at the heavens for allowing suffering, we have reason to look at the eternal outcome and joy of Jesus who in His own suffering on an executioner's cross cried, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" (Matt. 27:46).
YOU'RE NOT ALONE if the unfairness and suffering of life leaves you unconvinced that a God in heaven cares for you. But consider again the suffering of the One called by the prophet Isaiah, "a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Is. 53:3). Think about His slashed back, His bloodied forehead, His nail-ripped hands and feet, His pierced side, His agony in the Garden, and His pathetic cry of abandonment. Consider Christ's claim that He was suffering not for His sins but for ours. To give us the freedom to choose, He lets us suffer. But He Himself bore the ultimate penalty and pain for all our sins (2 Cor. 5:21; 1 Pet. 2: 24).
When you do see the reason for His suffering, keep in mind that the Bible says Christ died to pay the price for our sins, and that those who believe in their heart that God has raised Him from the dead will be saved (Rom. 10:9-10). The forgiveness and eternal life Christ offers is not a reward for effort but a gift to all who, in light of the evidence, put their trust in Him.
God's Purpose Behind Your Problems
Life is a series of problem-solving opportunities. The problems you face will either defeat you or develop you - depending on how you respond to them. Unfortunately most people fail to see how God wants to use problems for good in their lives. They react foolishly and resent their problems rather than pausing to consider what benefit they might bring. Here are five ways God wants to use the problems in your life:
1. God uses problems to DIRECT you. Sometimes God must light a fire under you to get you moving. Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change. Is God trying to get your attention? "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways."
Pr. 20:30 (GN)
2. God uses problems to INSPECT you. People are like tea bags... if you want to know what's inside them, just drop them into hot water! Has God ever tested your faith with a problem? What do problems reveal about you? When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience."
James 1:2-3 (NCV)
3. God uses problems to CORRECT you. Some lessons we learn only through pain and failure. It's likely that as a child your parents told you not to touch a hot stove. But you probably learned by being burned. Sometimes we only learn the value of something... health, money, a relationship ... by losing it. "... It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws."
Ps 119:71-72 (LB)
4. God uses problems to PROTECT you. A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevents you from being harmed by something more serious. Last year a friend was fired for refusing to do something unethical that his boss had asked him to do. His unemployment was a problem - but it saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year later when management's actions were eventually discovered. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..."
Gen 50:20 (NIV)
5. God uses problems to PERFECT you. Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. God is far more interested in your character than your comfort. Your relationship to God and your character are the only two things you're going to take with you into eternity. "We can rejoice when we run into problems ...they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Rom. 5:3-4 (LB)
Article Source: Unknown
Ten Guidelines From God
(Author: Unknown)
Effective Immediately,
please be aware that there are changes YOU need
to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be
completed in order that I may fulfill My promises
to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in
this life. I apologize for any inconvenience,
but after all that I am doing, this seems very
little to ask of you. Please, follow
these 10 guidelines
1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit
and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here
to take all your burdens and carry them for you?
Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little
thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it
on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY
to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care
of the problem. I can't help you until you turn
it over to Me. And although My to-do-list
is long, I am after all... God. I can take care
of anything you put into My hands. In fact,
if the truth were ever really known, I take
care of a lot of things for you that you never
even realize.
3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me,
quit trying to take them back. Trust in
Me. Have the faith that I will take care of
all your needs, your problems and your trials.
Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.
Problem with finances? Put it on My list.
Problems with your emotional roller coaster?
For My sake, put it on My list. I want to
help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say,
"Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think
I can handle it from here." Why do you think
you are feeling stronger now? It's simple.
You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking
care of them. I also renew your strength
and cover you in my peace. Don't you
know that if I give you these problems back,
you will be right back where you started?
Leave them with Me and forget about
them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things.
Forget what was making you crazy.
Forget the worry and the fretting because
you know I'm in control. But there's one
thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't
forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU!
I want to hear your voice. I want you to
include Me in on the things going on in your life.
I want to hear you talk about your friends
and family. Prayer is simply you having
a conversation with Me. I want to be your
dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you
can't see from where you are. Have faith in
Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;
you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.
I will continue to care for you, watch over you,
and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.
Although I have a much bigger task than you,
it seems as if you have so much trouble just
doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were
only two years old. When did you forget?
That rule still applies. Share with those who are
less fortunate than you. Share your joy with
those who need encouragement. Share your
laughter with those who haven't heard any in
such a long time. Share your tears with those
who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith
with those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime
you could have so many diverse experiences.
You grow from a child to an adult, have children,
change jobs many times, learn many trades,
travel to so many places, meet thousands
of people, and experience so much. How can
you be so impatient then when it takes Me
a little longer than you expect to handle
something on My to-do-list? Trust in My
timing, for My timing is perfect. Just
because I created the entire universe in
only six days, everyone thinks I should
always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just
as much as I love you. They may not dress
like you, or talk like you, or live the same way
you do, but I still love you all. Please try
to get along, for My sake. I created each
of you different in some way. It would be
too boring if you were all identical.
Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not
love yourself? You were created by me for
one reason only -- to be loved, and to love
in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.
Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.
It makes My heart ache when I see you
so angry with yourself when things go
wrong. You are very precious to me.
Don't ever forget......
The Inward Journey Begins
(Adapted from Healing Care, Healing Prayer by Terry Wardle)
What do we need in order to realize our full potential as a human being and walk successfully through life? What special endowments must we have to experience the wholeness and well-being that God designed for us? Parents and significant others are to be instruments of the Lord, helping us become all that God intended, teaching us to rest secure in our identity as His child. Parents and significant others are supposed to provide us:
*A safe and secure environment
*Constant reinforcement of personal worth
*Repeated messages that we are valued, unique, and special
*Unconditional love and acceptance
*Basic care and nurture
*Encouragement to grow and develop personal gifts and talents
*A pathway to fellowship with God
These important people in our lives were meant to love, cherish, nurture and believe in us. They were to delight in us and be thrilled to see the beautiful human being God created. They were each meant to recognize and rejoice in our unique gifts, listen to and value our opinions, and encourage us to fulfill all the special dreams dancing in our heart. When we failed they were to look beneath the mistake and affirm the wonder that we truly are to them. Their arms were to be a safe place for us to grow, a hiding place against the slings and arrows of a hostile world.
But what if some of these endowments were never given to us? What if part of what we needed was stolen by insensitive or uncaring people? What if the one called to love us, ignored or abandoned us? What is a loved one gave us far more criticism than love, shame and blame instead of nurture and encouragement? What if our opinions were ridiculed, dreams ignored or gifts and talents rejected? What if we turned to a loved one for affirmation and acceptance, but instead were sexually abused. The affect of such things would surely have compromised our ability to function in life appropriately.
The pain is great when part of the treasure that was meant to empower us for life is stolen. Rather than moving into life fully equipped to succeed and experience abundance, we feel empty and insecure. We struggle with deep despair and humiliation, and wear the shame of brokenness like a coat made of iron. We feel fear so powerfully that we want to run away as fast as possible. The constant gnawing deep within threatens to undo us, and no matter where we go or whom we are with, we feel unsafe. There might be days when dark clouds settle in, bringing a debilitating depression that feels cold and endless. Instead of believing that life makes sense, we feel confused and constantly at risk.
From whatever the source, deep wounds impact what we believe about ourselves and our world. The experience of insensitivity and abuse, especially at an early age, can lead to seriously distorted thinking. This is particularly true when the adults who are called to care for us actually injure us. As a child, we are far too young to process all that happens, and there is nowhere to turn for help. Strong emotions lead us to draw conclusions about life based on what we have seen or experienced. Granted, our assumptions may rest more on feeling than rational thinking, but a very strong belief system gets formed just the same. These values and judgments are often shaped subconsciously, empowered by negative feelings that drive us to act in unhealthy ways. Unchallenged, they will continue to operate into adult life.
Being wounded, we may intuitively conclude that we are now damaged goods, unattractive and worthy of rejection. We might believe that if people knew what had happened in our lives, they would make fun of us, or worse, injure us even more. We may easily presume that all people are unsafe and out to get us whenever possible. We may even assume that God is not there for us, allowing bad people to hurt us without care or concern. We might believe that all the loss we have experienced was somehow our fault, that we are bad and out of control. Possibly we could think that we are all alone to provide and care for ourselves. Or we may conclude that we are powerless victims, destined to limp through life, able to receive crumbs to exist, but never food enough to truly thrive.
The deep pain and the distorted belief system lead us to react in destructive ways. We develop a multi-layered coping system not even aware of the relationship between our reactions and the deep loss. In childhood this unconscious strategy may have helped us survive. But as an adult what once served to enable us only further compromises our emotional and mental health. The undressed wound hidden beneath the layers continues to eat away at the core of our inner being. And the older we become, the more difficult it may be to see the connection between certain unhealthy behaviors and deep loss. Just the same, a cause and effect relationship does exist, and it must be identified and acknowledged on the journey toward personal well-being.
The Pain Layer
The first layer of the coping system represents our reaction to pain. Stolen treasures and broken dreams do not happen without great physical and emotional agony. Abuse and abandonment, regardless of the form they take, pierce to the most tender and sensitive places in the human soul. Although the initial hurt seems unbearable, the chronic pain threatens to undo us long after the wounding occurred. How do we attempt to silence the pain? Consider the following list of possibilities:
Dissociation - food - sexual addictions - gambling - work - shopping - sleeping - alcohol - drugs - religion - television - exercising - tobacco - recreation…………
Any one or combination of these could temporarily anesthetize chronic pain. But they do not address the deep wound that generated the hurt in the first place. The relief seems to be a welcome alternative to the daily agony of deep hurt. In fact we initially seem to feel and function better. However, years of inattention to the wounds deep within simply intensifies the inner agony. And over time a person develops a tolerance for the "drug" of choice. This usually results in the need for higher doses or a change to more powerful pain killers. The cycle that results is very destructive. Eventually both the original wounding and the painkillers of choice exact a grave toll on our emotions, body and relationships
The Protective Layer
The next layer of defense is a wall of protection. When we are significantly hurt, the pain and trauma of that wounding motivate us to be much more cautions. We would do most anything to keep from experiencing the anguish a second time. Self-protection is not an improper reaction to the threat of wounding. It is quite healthy to learn to set appropriate boundaries with people. We have both the right and obligation to set limits on those who consistently hurt us, be it by intention or insensitivity. No one should be permitted to take or destroy any of the treasures that were intended to help us fulfill life's dreams. However, many methods of self-protection are actually personally destructive and often harm friends and family as well.
Fearful that we might not be capable of discerning who would or would not bring us harm, we construct shields to keep people at a distance. The underlying wound remains undressed, causing the infection to grow and threaten greater pain. People never really have the opportunity to know us or call forth the wonder that is ours' in Christ. This self-protection can grow out of embarrassment and shame. The wound not only robs us of some life endowment, it left us believing that we are essentially deformed and unattractive. We can grow fearful that if anyone saw the brokenness and weaknesses that lies within, they would openly reject and ridicule. And so, the walls go up through such reactions as:
Pretense - denial - avoidance - silence - anger - aggression - isolation - shyness - hiding………………..
The Layer of Provision
When part of our well-being has been compromised, the absence creates a noticeable emptiness. In a perfect world, mature adults would step in to provide what primary caregivers neglected to give. They would, with God's good help, nurture us where once abused, and call forth all that had been forced into hiding. Love, acceptance and affirmation would flow through them to fill the places in us that were robbed. But, this is not a perfect world, and as a wounded person, we seldom experience such gracious infillings from others. And so we begin to provide for ourselves. Unfortunately, what we often turn to gives little more than further pain and heartbreak. Sexual promiscuity might seem to promise acceptance and love, all the while tearing away at the soul and ultimately leaving us more intensely alone in a bed of guilt and shame. We might turn to people pleasing as a pathway to approval, only to discover that we have lost our own identity in the desperate quest to be found acceptable by others. Hungry to feel that we have worth and value, we might embrace some performance addiction. But satisfaction lasts only as long as the applause continues, leaving us alone and frightened when memories of our latest performance fade in people's minds. We might find a way to grab what we so desperately need, only to watch it turn to dust in our hands. Any of the following could become the substitute for genuine love, acceptance, worth and approval:
Sexual promiscuity - career - academics - fame - control - success - money - athletics - people pleasing - manipulation - popularity - unhealthy relationships………………………..
It is obvious that some of these are not in themselves problematic. But whenever we try to fill the internal void with any one of these, we will find that they are far from adequate. Most attempts to do this will fail to meet our deepest needs.
The Punishment Layer
Pain often births an anger that drives us to strike back at the one who has perpetuated the injury. While we may not actually act upon the demand for repayment, the deep feeling is often there. We may have even gone so far as to extend the words of forgiveness to the offender, yet struggle with the desire to punish someone, anyone, for the robbery that left us in such pain. Sometimes, the desire to punish turns inward, causing a reaction of self-hate and self-abuse. We can believe that there must be something personally wrong for such bad things to have happened. Reactions include:
Blame - abusive words - criticism - fantasies of harming someone - aggression - slander - self-contempt - shame - physical abuse - unforgiveness - bitterness - withholding - rejection - self-abuse
Where Do We Go From Here?
We must understand and believe that God wants to meet us at the place of our own deepest pain. Jesus knows the heartache we experience and the unhealthy ways in which we may have tried to deal with the lost treasures of life. The Lord is also well aware that any coping system we may use is ultimately compromising our own well-being. Christ offers a better way. He is willing to help us systematically identify and set aside any multi-layered reaction to deep wounding. The prospect may be frightening and there will be some initial discomfort when painkillers are surrendered to the Lord. Laying aside coping mechanisms may cause us to feel vulnerable and at risk. But through the tender guidance of the Holy Spirit, God will take us back to the loss, meeting us there with great love and care.
God is willing to touch the places where pain gains its power and to bring His healing to bear upon our lives. And most important, He stands ready to replace the stolen treasures and lost endowments with something far greater. He will give us Himself. The fellowship of His Presence will far outweigh the pain of past wounding. Empowered by His Holy Spirit, we will be able to move forward in life to realize more and more our full potential as God's miraculously endowed child.
THE WOUNDED STRUCTURE OF LIFE
WOUNDS ' LIES/DISTORTIONS ' EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL ' DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIORS 'LIFE SITUATION
THE STRUCTURE OF HEALING
WOUNDS ' TRUTH/ACCEPTANCE ' COMFORT/PEACE ' EMPOWERED LIVING ' LIFE SITUATION
Taking Captivity Captive
(Adapted from Wounds That Heal by Stephen Seamands, Chapter 5)
Recurring themes run through the stories of us all. We are certainly a fallen people that live in a fallen world. We sin. We are affected by the sins of others. The world system is evil. The Enemy of our souls seeks our destruction. And, yet, we are not without Hope.
These themes can be labeled as: 1) Compassion Deficits; 2) Behavioral Narcotics; 3) The Two Selves.
Compassion deficits result when compassion and unconditional love are in short supply especially during our early formative years. These deficits can be devastating; not being loved enough damages one's soul. We somehow keep going, but how do we cope with the pain and emptiness? The answer is that we turn to "behavioral narcotics." We rely on them as pain relievers for compassion deficits and anesthetics for a lack of unconditional love. For some, the narcotics are actual chemical substances like drugs or alcohol. But for many, the narcotics are not chemical at all but are "patterns and habits of behavior, relating, or coping. These include:
* Habits of workaholism - filling the mind so full of thoughts, dreams, and activities of success that there is little room left to feel pain caused by irrational, underlying feelings of inadequacy.
* Habits of control - constantly striving to maintain control of others, making their will the servants of our own, and binding the hands we secretly fear will strike us.
* Habits of people pleasing - constantly monitoring what others expect from us so that we can avoid the pain of their rejection by minimizing its likelihood, becoming in the process slaves of our servanthood.
* Habits of dependency - always surrendering our will to the will of another (even to God) for reasons of fear and self-diagnosed inadequacy, instead of enjoying the freedom to follow the advice of love.
* Habits of perfectionism - wearing the mask of perfection and rightness to cover inner turmoil and ambiguity.
* Habits of escape - taking emotional vacations from pain through the use of alcohol, drugs, or self-destructive patterns of pain-delaying behavior.
Such behavioral narcotics may temporarily deaden the pain of compassion deficits, but they can't provide permanent relief because they don't go to the heart of the problem. As false substitutes, they also keep us from experiencing love and intimacy.
Considering the "two selves," there are always two "people" within us, and they are battling for occupancy. The false self and the true self vie for the throne of our lives. The false self wants to remain in control. Its antidote for the agony of compassion deficits is always the same: "Turn to behavioral narcotics you are familiar with, and at all costs, stay in control." The true self, however, desires more. It wants to restore the rightful order and to assume its proper identity. When the true self reigns, love is king. Its rightful reign is the only true solution to compassion deficits and the substance abuse problem of behavioral narcotics.
To numb the pain of compassion deficits and find substitutes for unconditional love, many have fallen into unhealthy behavioral and relational habit patterns. In fact, for so many, these patterns assume a life of their own. When they become compulsive, unmanageable and out of control, we label them as addictions. Experts agree that significant compassion deficits resulting from an unhealthy family life and personal trauma are the root of addiction. During childhood, the needs for intimacy, identity, and adequacy are largely unmet. In fact, adult addicts have been described as "essentially children hiding out in grown-up bodies, hungrily seeking parents to love them unconditionally."
Out of this addictive root, an addictive mindset develops, revolving around the core beliefs to which addicts usually subscribe:
* I am essentially a bad, worthless person and therefore undeserving of love.
* No one would love me if they really knew me.
* If I don't meet my needs, they will never get met.
All three of these core beliefs directly contradict the Bible's revelation of God's evaluation of us. We are deeply loved by God. When at our worst - hostile, rebellious sinners - God loved us the most. Christ's death on the cross demonstrates our inestimable worth to God and the extent of his love. And Paul boldly affirms in Philippians 4:19, "My God will fully satisfy every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."
In addition to fostering an addictive mindset, compassion deficits also fuel anger. Behind the addict's smiling face stands a person who is bitter and judgmental.
Prompted by their core beliefs and fueled by anger over unmet needs, addicts choose to listen to the voice of the false self. No longer do they depend on others to meet their needs, for when they have in the past, they felt powerless and out of control. Instead, they look out for themselves; they seek power and control by taking charge.
Lacking love and intimacy from significant others in their family, addicts turn to substitutes such as drugs, alcohol, spending, gambling, romance, work, food, or relationships to dull the pain and fill the void. At first these substitutes seem to work. They offer "relief" and a pleasurable "high." They reinforce the lie, "I really don't need anybody; I can take care of myself. I'm the master of the universe."
Instead of depending on others or God to meet their needs, addicts learn to depend on their substitutes. Having turned to their substitutes for power and control, eventually they become enslaved to them and, ironically, once again stand powerless and out of control.
When does something that may have functioned as a behavioral narcotic turn into an addiction? The presence of the following characteristics indicates that a behavioral narcotic has become an addiction:
1. Tolerance. Addicts continually need more of the behavioral narcotic to feel satisfied. Their system develops a tolerance for the behavior or substance, thus diminishing its desired effect. Hence it takes more and more to get the pain relief or the pleasure they need.
2. Withdrawal symptoms. When addicts are deprived of their behavioral narcotic, their system responds in two ways. First, there is a physical and emotional stress reaction as the system cries out for the narcotic. Then there is a backlash reaction marked by the exact opposite symptoms of those caused by the addictive behavioral narcotic itself.
3. Self-deceptions. Addicts go to great lengths to justify their behavior and to convince themselves they are still in control. They are masters of mental trickery, adept at denial, rationalization and various other defense mechanisms.
4. Loss of willpower. Despite their firm resolutions, addicts can't stop the addictive behavior because their will is divided. Although one part sincerely desires to quit, another part tenaciously clings to the addiction. Their determination to quit is always short-lived.
5. Distortion of attention. Addicts become so preoccupied with the object of their addiction, they are unable to fix their attention or love on anything else. The particular object has become their ultimate concern; it is their god. Idolatry is present in every addiction.
The litmus test for whether a person suffers from an addiction is the absence of freedom -when addictive desires and behaviors have become habitual and compulsive, enslaving the addict. Their wills are bound. They cannot stop. Having exchanged the truth for a lie, they have been given over to their addictive thoughts, their lust and desires, and the idolatry of their false gods (Romans 1:25-28).
Powerless - describes the addict best. By turning away from God and others and turning to substitutes for unconditional love, addicts hope to gain power and control over their lives. Yet in the end they are powerless, slaves to the very substitutes they thought would free them.
What does the Cross say to those shackled by the chains of addictions? First, we must admit we are powerless over our addictions. Jesus won victory over sin, death, and the devil by becoming powerless. He overcame not by launching an all-out frontal attack on his adversaries or by beating them at their own game but through the power of suffering love. He chose the way of forgiveness, not retaliation; meekness, not self-assertion. He took everything the powers of evil could throw at him yet remained free, uncontaminated, uncompromised. The devil could gain no hold on him and therefore had to concede defeat. Now the tables have been turned. Death is under His feet; so are the devil and all dark powers. "When he ascended on high he made captivity itself a captive" (Ephesians 4:8).
We will never overcome our addiction until we realize and confess we are powerless. We are not in control; we are not the master of the universe. We can't quit anytime we please. Our willpower is no match for the power of our addictions. The only power we have is the power to admit we are powerless. Only by confessing our absolute weakness will we find strength to overcome.
Pierre D'Harcourt, who was in the French underground during World War II, discovered this principle of power through powerlessness when he was captured by the Nazis. He was thrown into a prison and handcuffed to the iron frame of the bed. The first hour in his cell was one of the worst in his life. As he lay on his bed feeling utterly alone and hopeless, he turned his face to God and cried out for help.
Beneath everything, beyond everything, I felt myself humiliated
and defeated. I knew I must make the gesture of complete humility by offering to God all that I had suffered. I must not only have the courage to accept the suffering He had sent me; I must also thank Him for it, for the opportunity He gave me to find at last His truth and love. Then the inspiration came to me to kiss the chains that held me prisoner, and with much difficulty I at last managed to do this. Once my lips touched the steel I was freed from the terror that possessed me. In the blackness of that night my faith gave me light.
To be set free from the bondage of addiction, we too must discover this liberating principle. Instead of fighting the chains of our addiction, let's kiss them and acknowledge our powerlessness. We cannot deny or despair over it but must rather embrace it. Our honest acceptance is the first gigantic step on the path to freedom.
Next, in our powerlessness we must cry out to Jesus, for his strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Our powerlessness releases His power. The Lord can break the chains of our addictions. So we must call on Him to deliver us and give Him permission to do anything necessary to set us free.
Finally, in our powerlessness we must reach out to others for help. Make no mistake, achieving freedom from addiction will involve a long, difficult process. To break an addictive behavior cycle alone is a major accomplishment, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. We still must deal with an addictive mindset (the lies we have believed about ourselves) and an addictive root (our wounds and compassion deficits). A determined, personal commitment to change coupled with involvement with others in a recovery program and group support, individual counseling and spiritual disciplines (such as worship, bible study, prayer, meditation, service) are necessary to reach that goal.
My Lord, Jesus, I'm in trouble. I see no way out. I am miserable. I am held totally captive by _________________. It masters me, my life, and all I hold important and dear. It is destroying me and everything of value to me. I don't understand all the complexity about how I got here, and I can't honestly see a way to freedom. But, I know that You can somehow lead me to freedom and break the bondage I am in. I admit that I need You so much more than I have ever allowed myself to realize. I admit that I have let _________________ become my god. I am guilty of idolatry. I have turned to it instead of turning to You in the way You require. I admit I want to let go of ______________, and at the same time, I am scared to turn it loose. I can't even say that I know how to trust You, nor that I really believe You will supply all my needs. But, You are all that I have. You are my only Hope. You offer the only possibility of healing, health, holiness, freedom, and restoration for me. You, Lord, will have to give me the ability to trust you and exercise my faith in You. Make me willing for you to do anything that You know is necessary in my life to break this bondage. With fear and trembling, I do invite you and give you permission to have complete freedom to do whatever You have to do. Help me to trust in Your Goodness to do only what is right and best for me. Help me to even see Your Sovereignty and Wisdom in the way that you have allowed me to suffer with ____________________. Although I hate what I am experiencing, I give You thanks for the way you use even this terrible stuff in my life to make me the person You want me to be. Forgive me! Continue to cleanse me! Heal me! Restore me! Bring me to an end of myself so I can have a new, fresh beginning with You!
Thank You, Lord Jesus!
Father, Forgive Them
(Adapted from Wounds That Heal by Stephen Seamands, Chapter 8)
Throughout His ministry, Jesus consistently stressed that as God has forgiven us, we in turn ought to forgive others. In the Lord's Prayer, he taught us to say: Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors (Matthew 6:12).
On another occasion, He commanded His disciples, "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone" (Mark 11:25). When Peter inquired how many times He was obligated to forgive, Jesus insisted, "Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22). He then told a story about an unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:23-34). Although his master had forgiven his immense debt, the servant refused to forgive a minor amount owed to him by a fellow servant. When the master found out what the servant had done, he had the servant thrown in jail. Jesus warned His disciples, "So, my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart" (Matthew 18:35).
Jesus not only consistently preached radically extending forgiveness to others, He also practiced it. And He practiced it when it was incomprehensibly difficult - as He was hanging on a cross. The victim of gross injustice, His body wracked with pain, the vicious taunts of His enemies ringing in His ears, He gathered His strength and cried out, "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they are doing,"
The Christian imperative to forgive those who have inflicted pain on us is a call to imitate Jesus. However, we are not called to imitate Christ in our own strength. We discover that as we will to forgive, He imparts His strength to us.
The Process of Forgiveness
I cannot overemphasize the importance of forgiveness in the healing of human hurts. Forgiveness unlocks the door to healing, restoration, freedom and renewal. Until we open that door, we will remain stuck in the past, destined to carry the hurt and burden forever without hope of a restored heart or a renewed future. There is no greater blockage to a person's receiving healing from God than that person's refusal to forgive others. We will never find healing for our hurts until, like Jesus, we say, "Father, forgive them."
What then does true forgiveness - Jesus called it forgiving "from the heart (Matthew 18:35) - involve?
1. Facing the facts. Forgiveness begins when we are ruthlessly honest about what was done to us. We don't cover up what happened, explain it away, blame ourselves or make excuses for the other person. Squarely and realistically, we face the truth: "I was violated and sinned against. I was hurt. What they did was wrong." Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and, nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the person who has done it. In facing the facts, it is important to be specific. General acknowledgments of wrong followed by sweeping generalizations of forgiveness won't do. For many, the first step in forgiving will involve getting out of denial. Truth can be hard to bear, and at times, we will go to great lengths to avoid it. Forgiveness begins by acknowledging the nails in our hearts hammered in by the actions of others and looking at them intently.
2. Feeling the hurt. Forgiveness begins with facing the facts but then goes further. More than "just the facts," we must connect with the feelings bound up with the facts - feelings like rejection, loneliness, fear, anger, shame and depression that still reverberate in us today. For many of us, the emotions of past hurts are so painful and threatening we have simply disconnected from them. And so we have to persistently ask, "What was I feeling when that happened to me?" Answering that question can be extremely difficult. No one wants to reexperience such unpleasant feelings. Better then to deny them, it seems, or sweep them under the rug. But we can't reach the threshold of forgiveness until we recover, at least in some measure, the feelings bound up with the painful facts.
3. Confronting our hate. Forgiving involves letting go of hatred or resentment toward the persons who have wounded us. But again, before we can let go of something, we have to acknowledge it's there. We must admit we resent those who wronged us, for a part of us hates them for what they did. Forgiveness is not blaming ourselves for what happened. We may not be completely innocent, but what our victimizers did was unjustifiable. They are to blame for our pain, and there is a part of us that hates them for it. Forgiveness requires the courage to confront our hatred.
4. Bearing the pain. When others have wronged us, there is a demanding voice within us that cries out, "What they did isn't right. They ought to pay for what they've done." This is a God-given voice. The desire to see justice in our own - and all - relationships has been planted in our hearts by God. So, when we forgive, do we ignore the divinely implanted desire for justice and set it aside? No. The sin, the injustice, must be taken seriously. But instead of achieving justice by insisting the guilty party pay for the wrong, we choose to pay ourselves. Though innocent, we choose to bear the pain of the injustice. In forgiveness, as the Scripture says, "mercy triumphs over judgment" (James 2:13). It triumphs, however, not by ignoring judgment, but by bearing it. Whenever we forgive, we bear pain. That's why forgiveness is always costly.
The ultimate example of the costliness of forgiveness is the cross of Christ. The Scripture says, "He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross" (I Peter 2:24). He took on Himself the guilt, punishment and shame of our sins. We deserved to suffer for them but instead, God in Christ carried them in His own being. God did not overlook our sins or pretend they didn't matter but bore the pain and the judgment Himself. Christ, the Judge, allowed Himself to be judged in our place. To a much lesser degree, whenever we forgive others, we do the same thing: we take the punishment they deserve, absorbing it ourselves. We bear the pain.
5. Releasing those who have wronged us. Although forgiveness does not set aside the demands of justice, it still seems to run cross-grain to our natural sense of fair play. In part, our anger and resentment is our way of regaining control of an unfair situation and getting back at the persons who have wronged us. It's our attempt to even the score. But forgiving means releasing our offenders and turning them over to God. It's saying, "I know what they've done and I feel the pain of it, but I choose not to be the one who determines what is justice for them." When we forgive we relinquish the roles of judge, jury and executioner and turn them over to God. When we forgive, we relinquish control of the persons who have wronged us. We quit playing God in their lives. No longer will we determine what is just for them or make sure they get what they deserve. Thus, forgiveness is an act of faith. We turn the ones who have wronged us over to God. We entrust them to God, saying, "Vengeance is not mine, but Thine alone." And like all faith acts, forgiveness contains an element of risk. What if God doesn't get even with those who have wronged us? What if God chooses to extend mercy to them?
By giving the people who have wronged us over to God, we also give ourselves to God. Parts of ourselves we have been holding are now entrusted to Him. No wonder there is such healing power in forgiveness. When we release others and ourselves to God, we give up control, and then His Presence and Power are released to us. Bearing the pain and releasing those who have wronged us constitute the heart of forgiveness. But I want to emphasize that forgiveness doesn't ignore or set aside the demands of justice. One might conclude that when we forgive, we refrain from any effort to hold those who have wronged us accountable for their behavior, leaving that totally up to God and to others. However, that simply is not true. Forgiveness doesn't mean tolerating injustice. "Unfruitful works of darkness" should be exposed (Ephesians 5:11). Actions have consequences that evildoers must be forced to accept. When crimes have been committed, offenders should be turned over to the judicial system.
Bearing the pain and releasing those who have wronged us have to do with our attitudes toward those who have wronged us; seeking justice has to do with our actions toward them. These attitudes and actions are not opposed to each other. In fact, practicing forgiveness and promoting justice go hand in hand. Having made a decision to forgive, our concern in promoting justice is not to avenge ourselves or destroy our offenders but to protect ourselves and others in the community from future injury at the offender's hands. Furthermore, by insisting that offenders be held accountable for their actions, we are actually extending grace to them by offering them an opportunity to face the truth about themselves, admit their wrongdoing and turn from their wicked ways.
6. Assuming responsibility for ourselves. As long as we blame others for our problems, we don't have to take responsibility for ourselves; they're on the hook. By releasing them, however, we let them off the hook. Now, we're on the hook. We must take responsibility and can no longer make excuses for ourselves. Often people hesitate when challenged to forgive because instinctively they know that if they do, they will have no one to blame for their predicament. Unfortunately, we live in a culture of victimization that encourages us to play the blame game. For many of us, portraying oneself as a victim has become an attractive pastime. Forgiveness strikes a blow at the root of one's victim status. We may have been a victim, but we're not stuck there. By taking responsibility for ourselves, we declare that what happened doesn't define who we are. We have an identity apart from our pain. That can be risky and frightening, of course. We may have grown to depend on our excuses and become comfortable with our victim identity. Losing an enemy whom we can resent and blame may disturb us more than losing a friend. We may be meeting needs by our holding on to our pain and resentment.
Yet how liberating it is when, by forgiving, we do accept responsibility for ourselves. The persons who have hurt us no longer exercise control over our lives. When we forgive we not only release them, we also release ourselves from them and set ourselves free to determine our destiny apart from our wounds.
7. Longing for reconciliation. The ultimate goal and purpose of forgiveness is reconciliation, or the restoration and renewal of broken relationships. Thus, forgiveness is not only about letting go of bitterness and revoking revenge. It is about the coming together of persons who have been alienated from each other. From a Christian perspective, forgiving simply so I can get my hurts healed and get on with my life doesn't go far enough.
Of course, the nature and extent of reconciliation depend on a number of factors, the most important of which is the offender's willingness to be reconciled with us and to take the costly action necessary for its accomplishment. In many instances we won't be able to achieve the measure of reconciliation we desire. What do we do, for instance, when the offender refuses to be reconciled with us or persists in offensive behavior? On occasion we will have to settle for less than the best. Still, forgiveness ought to put within us a longing for reconciliation. At first we may grudgingly say, "I'll forgive them, but I don't want to have anything to do with them ever again." And that may be a sufficient place to start. But as forgiveness does its work, it will change our attitude. We will begin to see our offenders through eyes of compassion. One day we will even find ourselves wishing good for them. Our longing for a reconciled relationship may so intensify that we grieve when it fails to work out.
The process of forgiving someone who has wronged us brings us once again to the Cross of Christ. As we stand at the cross, we must remember that initially forgiveness is more about a decision than an emotion. First and foremost, it is a matter of the will. We come to a place where we choose to forgive. We might be struggling with negative feelings toward those who have hurt us, and we may continue to do so for a considerable time. What is most important at first is our willingness. In forgiving, we send our will ahead by express; our emotions generally come later by slow freight.
But what if we are unwilling to forgive? The hurt is so great, the anger and resentment so intense that nothing within us wants to let go of it. Then we should pray, "Lord, make me willing to be made willing." As a Puritan preacher once advised, "If you can't come to God with a broken heart, come to God for one." So if you can't come to the cross with a willing heart to forgive, come there for one.
On the cross, if Jesus bore both the wrongs done to Him and the wrongs done to us, then when He cried, "Father, forgive them," could it be he was offering forgiveness not only to those who had wronged Him but also to those who have wronged us? If that is true, then in effect, Jesus has already extended forgiveness to the persons for what they did to us. So if we can't will to forgive them, we can pray, "Jesus, You live in me. Therefore speak the words in me and through me. Help me to join you in saying, 'Father, forgive them.' Even though I can't speak them myself, I can at least allow You to speak them in me."
We obtain grace in His Presence to release resentment and revenge. As we wait at the cross, Jesus will speak the forgiving words in us. The healing of our hurts and the transformation of our feelings toward those who have wounded us can then really begin. But often this part of the forgiveness process happens slowly - layer by layer. Sometimes after making the decision to forgive, our negative feelings toward the person actually intensify. Repressed emotions surface. Anger may burn more hotly than ever. Or we find ourselves overwhelmed with sadness. Choosing to forgive may cause the pain to intensify. Now that the lid is off, we begin remembering hurtful incidents. Agonizing pictures flood our minds. Old wounds open up all over again. We seem to be going backward, getting worse rather than better.
At this point, we may be tempted to think, I haven't really forgiven so-and-so. If I had, I wouldn't be experiencing such intense pain and resentment. The truth is, forgiveness is both a crisis (a definite decision) and a process (releasing hurt and resentment and receiving healing at ever-deepening levels). We have made the decision to forgive, but we are still engaged in the process where many emotional twists and turns lurk along the way. So we don't need to start over. We simply need to reaffirm our will to forgive, asking the Lord to deepen it. We must also continue to offer our hurtful and hateful feelings to God, praying, "Lord, heal the hurt and cleanse the hate." As we do, we discover that God, who has begun this good work in us, is faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6). But the healing and cleansing of our hearts is not a one-shot deal. In the crisis of a moment we can will to forgive, but working through our hurt and bitterness happens slowly. We may even find Jesus' charge to forgive "not seven times, but, …. seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22) applying to the same offense. At the cross, however, grace awaits to see it through, to finish the good work of forgiveness begun in us.
Do you need grace to begin the process of forgiving someone who has wronged and wounded you? Do you need grace to continue as you struggle with feelings of hurt and bitterness? Come to the Cross. It is the Place to remember how we have been forgiven. It is the Place to forgive. Listen to Jesus as He says, "Father, forgive them." He not only is asking the Father for forgiveness for those who have wronged and hurt us, but He is also asking for forgiveness for you and me.
Whatever Happened to Sin?
(Adapted from Healing Care, Healing Prayer by Terry Wardle)
Dysfunctional behaviors are largely rooted in deep pain and unaddressed needs. We must also accept that much of our unhealthy behavior is at some level symptomatic of horrible wounding and loss, suffered at the hands of others &/or tied to harsh life events.
But, it is also important for us to consider that our dysfunctional behaviors must be identified for what they are: sinful responses to pain and unmet needs in our lives. Whenever we kill pain and try to meet needs in unhealthy ways, we are falling short of God's desire for us. And the simple definition of that set of choices is sin. Failure to identify this truth takes away the personal responsibility for our actions that we must accept. Even when we are in pain or facing a genuine need, choosing to address it in a way that is hurtful to ourselves or to others is a sinful response. The presence of underlying wounds does not absolve us from responsibility for the unhealthy choices we make. Having been wounded by others does not give us the right to react in a way that wounds anyone else, even ourselves. Sin must be recognized and dealt with before the Lord as an integral part of the inner healing process.
We need to be overwhelmed by God's good grace and experience His unbelievable acceptance, forgiveness, and hope in the midst of our own problems. However, the starting place for experiencing His matchless grace is recognizing why we need His mercy in the first place. We are like straying sheep, wandering away from God's best, feeding in places that ultimately lead to our own destruction. Many times this happens because we do not know better. At other times we make bad choices consciously, either unconcerned or unconvinced that the consequences are really that serious or sinful. But they are, and there is no responsible way to detour around that reality on the path to inner healing.
What precisely is sin? It is a transgression of the law of God: disobedience of the divine will; moral failure. Sin is failure to realize in conduct and character the moral ideal, at least as fully as possible under existing circumstances. In other words, sin is the failure to live according to what God expects. This involves not doing what God has told us to do, and/or doing what He has expressly forbidden. God has set before us a standard of character and behavior and to fall short of that is to miss God's mark. And to miss the mark is to sin. Dysfunctional behaviors aimed at killing pain or meeting needs in unhealthy ways do in fact miss the mark.
The Words of Jesus are most helpful and pastoral on this topic. He defined the purpose of life as "loving the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself (Matt. 22:37-39). He said that all of the rules and laws contained in the Bible hang on these two commandments (Matt. 22:40). Expanding on an Old Testament text, Jesus was telling all His followers that they are to live according to the rule of love. How does one know what is right and wrong? According to Jesus that is really quite simple. Do what is loving to God, loving to other people and loving toward oneself. Every action that is rooted in the law of love hits the mark of God's expectation, dead center. Conversely, if any thought or action is not loving toward God, another person, or oneself, it is sinful. Therefore, painkilling and meeting needs in any way that is unloving toward God, hurts another person, or which at any level compromises the well-being of an individual - even ourselves - is sin. For example, let's look at one's need to obtain acceptance and worth through performance in light of Jesus' teaching regarding the law of love. First, by turning to performance in order to gain a sense of worth, I am in fact creating an idol. God has made provision for that need through the work of Christ. To seek worth apart from Him is unloving toward God and clearly misses the mark He set before me. As for others, it is very easy to subconsciously use people to meet my own deep needs. They become an unhealthy means to an end, which devalues and invalidates. That is not loving either. An as for myself, continuing to rely on this behavior is both damaging and depressing.
I believe it helpful to be reminded yet again about the seriousness of sin, as described by Paul. In Romans 6:19-23, Paul writes:
I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you
used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing
wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness, leading to holiness.
When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness.
What benefit did you reap from the things that you are now ashamed of?
Those things result in death. But now that you have been set free from sin
and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness,
and the result is eternal life. For the wage of sin is death, but the gift of
God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Consider what Paul is saying about sin in this text. First, he repeatedly used the term slavery with reference to sinful actions. Paul was well aware of the practice of slavery and knew its terrible cost. Slaves had no freedom to go where they wanted to go, do what they wanted to do, or become what they wanted to be. They were in bondage, forced to live according to another person's demands and desires. They were often mistreated, dehumanized and devalued. They had become the property of another, enslaved to spend their lives serving people who had little care or concern for them as human beings.
Sin leads to slavery. When hurting, we have a pain and need deep within that becomes too much to bear alone. Misguided, the thought can come to us to try some way to alleviate the ache inside our souls. Whether out of ignorance or rebellion, we stumble upon a short-term solution to our problem. Initially it is a conscious act that we initiate and control in order to feel better. But over time, the action turns into a habit, less conscious, more impulse driven. Slowly the habit sets deep talons into the flesh of our wounded soul and we become enslaved to a behavior that begins to rip and tear at our life on every level. The behavior has turned into the beast, and we become a slave to sin's dark design. This slavery is a constant result of sinful choices, and we need to call it the ugly taskmaster that it is.
Paul also challenges us to consider the results of the sins for which we are now ashamed (Rom. 6:21). As broken men and women, we often wear shame like a dead skin that should have been shed long before. It is ugly, heavy and carries with it the most horrible feelings of self-contempt.
Shame has been defined as:
…a soul-deep sense that there is something uniquely wrong with me that is not
wrong with you or anyone else in the world. Because I am not perfect and
problem free, I feel hopelessly, disgustingly different and worth less than other
people. I view myself as, literally, worthless. It isn't that I make a mistake
when I make a mistake; I am a mistake when I make a mistake.
This definition cuts to the core of shame's dark nature. Inevitably, we who are caught in sin wrestle with its suffocating presence. Often that battle occurs in silent hiding because we don't want others to see what we live with day in and day out. While sinful choices seem at first to offer some relief to deep need, in the end they bring a covering of shame that only heightens an already difficult inner battle.
Paul does not end there, but speaks to a third consequence of sin: death. He says quite clearly that the ultimate and most devastating consequence of missing God's mark is destruction. Paraphrasing his words, "death is the final payoff of sin" (Rom. 6:23). Enslavement to dysfunctional behaviors has the potential to emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, and at times, physically kill. Though we may think such choices are harmless, long-term bondage rips and tears at us until we begin to die deep within our souls. It is often a slow demise, as dark forces, bit by bit, steal the life that God intended for us.
Given this reality of sin and its deep and devastating consequences in our lives, there is good news that has come to us through Jesus Christ. God the Father's unconditional gift of love, Jesus Christ, has provided a way for us to be free from sin and its devastating consequences. Through the Cross, each of us has the opportunity to experience forgiveness and reconciliation with God. Sinful choices need no longer plague us with slavery, shame, and death. Jesus gave His Life so that all who believe can be saved. And that salvation definitely includes the element of healing, reconnecting lost people with God, and empowering them to move forward in spite of the past, present, or future in the Power of the Spirit.
The Apostle Paul has clearly revealed all that is possible for us in our brokenness because of the Work of Jesus on Calvary. In Colossians he wrote:
When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your
sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our
sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was
against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to
the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made
a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross. (Col. 2:13-15)
To call this good news is an understatement. As Christians, we have been forgiven all our sins. Jesus fulfilled all the requirements of the law and paid for sin at the cross. Through His shed blood, Jesus has disarmed all the dark forces aligned against us, giving us authority by His powerful Name to defeat our evil foe. Because of this, we are now alive with Jesus, held securely in His eternal embrace.
In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul assures believers that they receive every blessing they need through Christ, and that even as they struggle, Jesus has made a way for them to be holy and blameless in God's sight (Eph. 1:3, 4). He assures us that, as Christians, through Christ we are sons and daughters of God, recipients of great gifts, redeemed by His blood, and heirs to glorious riches of God's grace (Eph. 1:5-8). And let there be no question about the grace-based faith that Paul declares. All of this comes, not because someone has worked hard or lived right, but as gifts, freely given to all who believe in the wonderful work that Jesus did on the Cross. They are not, according to Paul, given stingily, but instead lavished upon those whom God calls into His eternal family (Eph. 1:8).
Sometimes we come fearing the Lord's rejection and punishment for what we have been doing. Granted, we must know that our choices are sinful and ultimately destructive. But we must also remember God's steadfast love and acceptance in spite of our actions. He has no punishment left for us, having poured it out upon Jesus who died on our behalf. No behaviors could qualify us for God's love, and none can cause Him to stop loving His own. He looks toward our brokenness with Divine compassion and understanding. While He in no way minimizes sin, God offers us the power to be set free and thoroughly forgiven. He longs to love and touch His sinful, wounded children.
We need to hear that nothing can separate us from His love, and that even on our worst day, He is thoroughly crazy about us. God rejoices as we turn home. He meets us long before we expect Him to be there. He welcomes us with great joy and provides the healing we need. As he calls us to set aside our painkillers and dysfunctional behaviors, He opens the way for us to have our deepest needs met in Him. And where pain continues to be present, He comes to strengthen and equip us to move forward in the Power of His enabling grace. So, while on the one hand, we need to see the seriousness of sinful choices, on the other, we need to see the matchless love of the God who desires to free us from all that is dark and evil.
In a practical way, how do we seriously deal with both known, unresolved, and unknown sin?
1) First, I need to meet God in prayer and ask Him to define obvious, known areas where there are sinful responses to pain and unmet needs in my life. I need to be open and honest before the Lord, allowing the Holy Spirit to show me where I have gone astray. I need to see my life from His point of view. Prayer-time like this may take place over days, weeks, and even months.
2) Next, I must spend time in prayer to seek the Lord regarding unresolved past sin. As a believer, it is a fact that all my past sin has been forgiven by Christ. But, even though I may have moved away from certain sinful behaviors, I may have done so without ever dealing with them before the Lord. Not only is that a matter of confession, but also an issue of closing the door completely on what has happened.
3) Finally, I must pray about unknown sin. I must seek the Lord and be open to the Spirit's work of convincing, convicting, and revealing what I am not aware of.
As the Lord begins to reveal, define, and remind me of thoughts and behaviors He wants me to bring to Him, I can follow the following steps:
*Recognize. I acknowledge and admit that specific choices and actions that the Holy Spirit has identified are sinful. I declare to the Lord the destructive results and all that these actions have cost, and I admit that these short-term solutions bring long-lasting devastation to my life. I lay before the Lord all the ugliness that I feel, have done, have failed to do, whatever.
*Repent. I choose to tell God that I want to turn away from these sins and turn toward Him for help and healing. I invite Him to do whatever He must do in my life to break me free of what enslaves me. I tell Him that I can ask Him to this because I believe He will only do what is Good, Loving, Just, Wise, and Best regardless how I feel about it.
*Renounce. Sinful choices open the door for the oppressive and harassing work of the evil one. I tell the Lord that I choose to renounce any involvement the evil one may have in my problems, and that I desire to bring myself and my problems entirely under the Lordship of Christ. I ask the Lord to demolish any strongholds to which I have, in any way, given myself over to resulting in slavery and bondage. I further state that I desire only to be enslaved to Jesus Christ.
*Receive. I allow myself to freely (and even audibly) accept the forgiveness and cleansing that is mine in Jesus Christ. I ask the Lord to give me the emotions He wants me to accurately experience that represent the cleansing He has released within me.
*Realign. I seek the Lord's help to have the desire and ability to make specific changes in my lifestyle related to the sin I am confessing. Also, I ask the Lord to empower me to look to Him as the Strength of my life and the true Source of all that I need.
*Rejoice. I ask the Lord to enable me to praise Him. I seek to have His ability to wait on His timing to bring solutions to my problems in the way He knows is best. I also ask for the supernatural ability to continue to trust in Him and praise Him no matter how differently He answers my prayers, or even if He should not answer them at all. As bad as I want answers to my problems, I ask for His help to be able to love Him, trust Him, and praise Him even more than I want answers to any of my requests.
Obedience: Created to Become Like Christ
(Adapted from The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren - chapter 22)
You were created to become like Christ. Like God, we are spiritual beings - our spirits are immortal and will outlast our earthly bodies; we are intellectual - we can think, reason, and solve problems; like God, we are relational - we can give and receive real love; and we have a moral consciousness - we can discern right from wrong, which makes us accountable to God.
The Bible says that all people, not just believers, possess part of the image of God. But the image is incomplete and has been damaged and distorted by sin. So God sent Jesus on a mission to restore the full image that we have lost. The Bible says, "You were…created to be like God, truly righteous and holy" (Eph. 4:24).
Many religions and New Age philosophies still promote the old lie of Satan that we are divine or can become gods. This desire to be a god shows up every time we try to control our circumstances, our future, and people around us. God doesn't want us to become a god; he wants you to become godly - taking on His values, attitudes, and character (see Eph. 4:22).
God's ultimate goal for your life on earth is not comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ. Every time you forget that character is one of God's purposes for your life, you will become frustrated by your circumstances. You'll wonder, "Why is this happening to me? Why am I having such a difficult time?" One answer is that life is supposed to be difficult! It's what enables us to grow. Remember, earth is not heaven!
Many Christians misinterpret Jesus' promise of the "abundant life" to mean perfect health, a comfortable lifestyle, constant happiness, full realization of your dreams, and instant relief from problems through faith and prayer. They expect heaven on earth. This self-absorbed perspective treats God as a genie who simply exists to serve you in your selfish pursuit of personal fulfillment.
Never forget that life is not about you! You exist for God's purposes, not vice versa. God gives us our time on earth to build and strengthen our character for heaven.
It is the Holy Spirit's job to produce Christ-like character in you (see 2 Cor. 3:18b). You cannot reproduce the character of Jesus on your own strength. Only the Holy Spirit has the power to make the changes God wants to make in our lives (see Phil. 2:13). Most of the time the Holy Spirit's power is released in your life in quiet, unassuming ways that you aren't even aware of or can't feel. He often nudges us with "a gentle whisper."
We must allow Christ to live through us. How does this happen in real life? Through the choices we make. We choose to do the right thing in situations and then trust God's Spirit to give us His power, love, faith, and wisdom to do it. Since God's Spirit lives inside of us, these things are always available for the asking.
We must cooperate with the Holy Spirit's work. The Holy Spirit releases His power the moment you take a step of faith. Obedience unlocks God's power. God waits for you to act first. Don't wait to feel powerful or confident. Move ahead in your weakness, doing the right thing in spite of you fears and feelings. This is how you cooperate with the Holy Spirit. While effort has nothing to do with your salvation, it has much to do with your spiritual growth. At least eight times in the New Testament we are told to "make every effort" in our growth toward becoming like Jesus. You don't just sit around and wait for it to happen.
According to Ephesians 4:22-24 we have three responsibilities in becoming like Christ. First, we must choose to let go of old ways of acting. Second, we must change the way we think. The Bible says we are "transformed" by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2). We must allow God to direct our thoughts. We are changed from the inside out. Third, we must "put on" the character of Christ by developing new, godly habits.
Many people assume all that is needed for spiritual growth is Bible study and prayer. But some issues in life will never be changed by Bible study or prayer alone. God uses people. He usually prefers to work through people rather than perform miracles, so that we will depend on each other for fellowship. He wants us to grow together.
Becoming like Christ is a long, slow process of growth. Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life. You are a work in progress. Your spiritual transformation in developing the character of Jesus will take the rest of your life, and even then it won't be complete here on earth. It will only be finished when you get to heaven or when Jesus returns.
Much confusion in the Christian life comes from ignoring the simple truth that God is far more interested in building your character than He is anything else. God is far more interested in what you are than in what you do.
Jesus did not die on the cross just so we could live comfortable, well-adjusted lives. His purpose is far deeper: He wants to make us like Himself before He takes us to heaven.
The Spirit Filled Life
(Adapted from The Disciplines of The Holy Spirit by Siang-Yang Tan)
The Spirit-filled life is the Christ-directed life by which Jesus lives His life in and through us in the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus promised His followers they would have powerful, loving, abundant, and fruitful lives as the result of being filled with the Holy Spirit.
First, it is important to understand that a person initially becomes a Christian through the work of the Holy Spirit (John 3:1-8). From the moment of conversion, or spiritual birth, the Holy Spirit dwells in a person. In this sense, all Christians, at the point of conversion, receive "the baptism of the Holy Spirit," or as Paul says, we are all baptized by one Spirit into the body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:13). However, though the Spirit is present in all Christians, this does not mean all Christians are filled - empowered, released, guided, and controlled - by the Holy Spirit.
The filling of the Holy Spirit is an ongoing reality. Paul says in Ephesians 5:18, "Be filled with the Spirit." In the original language, this verse actually means "continually be filled with the Spirit." Renewal and a release of the Spirit's presence and power are needed on a daily basis.
Most of the time, the filling of the Spirit is experienced in a quiet way, with a deep sense of peace or joy, perhaps bringing clarity of insight or understanding regarding present circumstances or future plans. These times of filling may not involve intense emotions, and there may be a few days or weeks of "lag time" before it is apparent that the Spirit is at work in new ways. Other times the filling of the Spirit happens with dramatic power and can include outward manifestations such as laughing, crying, feeling warm all over, or even experiencing a power surge like electricity. Dramatic manifestations in and of themselves are not necessarily signs of the Spirit's Presence. God created us as unique personalities with different needs, so the Spirit touches us and empowers us in ways appropriate to our uniqueness. What is most important is to be filled with the Spirit and to leave the manifestations to the sovereignty of God and the work of the Spirit.
The apostle Paul, who encourages us so strongly to be continually filled with the Spirit, also cautions us not to grieve the Holy Spirit, especially by sins of the flesh such as bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, and every form of malice (Eph. 4:30); and not to quench the Spirit or put out the Spirit's fire by our unbelief and evil (1 Thess. 5:19). When we are open to the Spirit - continually filled and seeking to be filled - we are less likely to quench or grieve the Spirit in our daily living.
Some of the blessings of the Spirit-filled life are:
*greater love and intimacy with God
*exaltation of Jesus as Son of God and Savior
*power and boldness to witness and preach
*greater wisdom and faith
*deep joy (singing and worship)
*release of spiritual gifts for ministry
*victory over sin and temptation
*effectiveness and power in prayer
*quiet confidence during opposition
*deeper trust in Scripture as the Word of God
*renewed zeal for evangelism
*fresh love of Christ and others
The blessings of being filled with the Spirit are tremendous! That's why God tells us to be filled. He gives us the power we don't have, so that we can become more like Jesus and do the work of Jesus.
How then can one be filled with the Spirit? By asking! God is a good and generous Father who desires to give good gifts to His children.
First, confess your sins and receive God's cleansing and forgiveness by the Blood of Christ (1 John 1:9). We are lost, needing to come to ourselves, to repent and confess our sins and return to the loving arms of our Heavenly Father.
Second, yield every area of your life to the control of the Holy Spirit, under the Lordship of Jesus Christ (Rom. 12: 1-2). We must give up the things we hold so close: known sin, anger, brokenness, rebellion, control, and pride so that God has authority over everything in our lives. As C. S. Lewis puts it: "Christ says, 'Give me All. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You."
Third, ask! In obedience to the command in Ephesians 5:18, ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit. God's purpose is to give you Himself. "For everyone who asks receives," Jesus says. It is the will of our Father in heaven to "give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him" (Luke 11:10, 13).
As you ask for the Spirit's filling, pray specifically for His power and the release of His gifts so that you can live a more Christlike life and be more effective in building up the Body of Christ and reaching out to a lost world with the Gospel.
Fourth, give thanks! Thank God by faith for His answer to such prayers because they are in accordance with His will (1 John 5:14-15). We live in constant dependence upon the love and mercy of God, and our thanksgiving is a constant response to His help and guidance that comes to us at every moment through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Fifth, expect great things to happen. Anticipate that the Holy Spirit will work deeply and powerfully, whether in dramatic or in more quiet ways. God wants you to let Him do through you whatever He purposes. He is able to do anything He pleases through any ordinary man or woman who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him. If you feel weak, broken, limited, or ordinary, you are just the kind of person through whom God likes to work.
Meditating on God's Word
(Adapted from The Disciplines of The Holy Spirit by Siang-Yang Tan)
Without meditation, the ways for appropriating God's Word will be futile and unfruitful. Prayer, as well, can be empty and devoid of the Holy Spirit's power without meditation on the Bible.
George Muller made a significant discovery about the critical importance of meditation and the crucial connection between meditation and prayer that revolutionized his spiritual life.
Now, I saw that the most important thing was to give myself to the reading of
God's Word, and to meditation on it, that thus my heart might be comforted,
encouraged, warmed, reproved, instructed, and that thus, by means of the Word
of God, whilst meditating on it, my heart might be brought into experimental
communion with the Lord….Now what is food for the inner man? Not prayer,
but the Word of God, and here again, not the simple reading of the Word of God,
so that it only passes through our minds, just as water passes through a pipe,
but considering what we read, pondering over it and applying it to our hearts.
Meditation is pondering over Scripture verses or passages in such a way that the written Word of God becomes a living Word of God applied to our hearts by the Holy Spirit. The two primary words for meditation in the Bible mean "to murmur or mutter" and "to speak to one's self." Meditation is a process of thinking through language that takes place in the heart or inner life. The truth being meditated upon moves from the mouth (murmuring), to the mind (reflective thinking), and finally to the heart (outer action).
This process is sometimes referred to as lectio divina (divine reading) where we listen to
Scripture deeply with the ears of our hearts. We are like Elijah, listening for the still, small voice of God, the faint murmuring sound that is God's Word for us, the voice of the Holy Spirit touching our hearts. This gentle listening is an attunement to the Presence of God in Scripture. Once a word or passage in the Bible speaks to us in a personal way, we can take it and begin to ponder it in our hearts, soaking ourselves in the passage. We can ask, "What is happening here? What are the sounds, smells, feelings? Why is God focusing me on this verse or idea? What does He want me to understand? Why do I need this word from God? How do I respond? Is there an example for me to follow, a sin to avoid, a command to obey, a promise to claim?" In meditation, we seek to enter into the Scripture and live in it. As we move from detached observation to active participation in the Scripture, our imaginations become active. Some have objected to using the imagination out of fear of its "subjective" focus and potential for self-deception or use by the enemy. But Jesus appealed to the imaginations of His listeners as He taught and told parables. While there is reason for caution and safeguards, we believe God can sanctify the imagination, just as He does our human reason, and work His good purposes through it.
Here are some simple steps we encourage for meditating or "living into Scripture":
1. Pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to you and guide you as you read a passage of Scripture.
2. Read through the passage you are meditating on several times, listening for the still, small voice of
God and waiting upon the leading of the Spirit.
3. Ponder the verse or two that grabs your attention or touches you in some way. Picture what is
happening.
4. Put yourself in the picture. Ask questions. Allow a dialogue to unfold inside of you; let your
imagination and senses be instruments for revelation from the Holy Spirit.
5. Be open to the ways God may want to speak to you directly through His Word…through a personal
encounter…as you ask questions…as you place yourself in the scene…even perhaps as Jesus comes
directly to you in the scene in which you have entered.
6. Take time to share what God has said to you with an accountability partner or wise friend. This
provides protection by checking what comes from your time of meditation, helps to reinforce God's
Word to you, and encourages and blesses others in their journey of faith.
The Holy Spirit can speak the living Word of God to your heart. The Holy Spirit is the One who enables us to understand the thoughts and things of God. Without His ministry as Teacher of truth and Revealer of God's mind and heart to us, we will not be able to know or understand God or spiritual things (see 1 Cor. 2:6-16). With this in mind, always begin your reading, study, and meditation by asking for the Spirit's illumination and guidance, and throughout the process of getting into God's Word, be sensitive to His voice speaking to you!
Listening and Guidance
(Adapted from The Disciplines of The Holy Spirit by Siang-Yang Tan)
We have been created to be in a listening relationship to God. As we draw near to God, we begin to hear His voice and receive affirmation, encouragement, correction, and direction for our lives. Jesus says, "…My sheep listen to my voice…(John 10:14-16). We listen in order to receive guidance! The outcome of a close relationship with God is guidance and invitation into partnership with Him.
Jesus didn't get up in the morning and say, "What great thing can I do for God today?" He said, "Father, what are you doing today? Show me what you are already doing so I can do it with you. I will do only what I see what you doing" (see John 5:19, 30). Jesus' secret of guidance was His relationship of dependence on the Father - listening for God's voice, being observant of His Father's work, paying attention to His Father's leading in every circumstance of His life.
Do you believe God talks to people? That He wants to talk to you? Do you think it strange or unusual to hear His voice or to receive regular guidance and direction form Him? Jesus believed that listening was fundamental to the Christian life and a natural consequence of deepening relationship with God. He encouraged believers that if they belonged to God, they should expect to hear from God. He rebuked the unbelieving religious leaders of His day saying, "He who belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God." (John 8:47). As we draw near to the One who comes to us to draw us to Himself, we enter into the disciplines of listening and guidance. We learn to hear the Shepard's voice, to distinguish it from the many voices that compete for our attention, and to know and respond to his wooing and guidance.
Hearing from God is the work of the Holy Spirit, who makes God's will clear to us as we engage in the discipline of listening and guidance. Jesus promised us His own guidance through the gift of the Holy Spirit. "The Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you" (John 14:26). When the Spirit of Truth comes, Jesus says, "He will guide you into all truth…He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you: (John 16: 13-14). The truth John speaks of here is not an idea, concept, or doctrine, but a true relationship. To be led into truth is to be led into the same relationship with Jesus that Jesus has with the Father.
G. Campbell Morgan encourages the believer to wait for guidance:
To the individual believer, who is, by the very fact of relationship to Christ,
indwelt by the Holy Spirit….there is granted the direct impression of the Spirit
of God on the spirit of man, imparting the knowledge of His will in matters
of the smallest and greatest importance. This has to be sought and waited for.
The Apostle Paul emphasized that it is the Holy Spirit who reveals the deep things of God to us. We are so affected by our sin and rebellion that we cannot understand the things of God unless the Holy Spirit reveals it. He is our teacher. In reading the Scripture, we must sit before the Holy Spirit and respond to His leading. As we pray, we must expect that answers will come as the Holy Spirit guides us to Scripture, or through circumstances or wise counsel, or through personal words or a divine encounter.
Our Part in Listening and Guidance:
* Let the Spirit build in you a desire to be yielded and obedient to God's will and plans.
* Starting where you are, seek after God with your whole heart, striving to know him intimately.
* Resolve to want to glorify God and bring honor to His great name in all things in your life.
* Be alert and sensitive at all times for the Spirit's promptings. Seek guidance from God; watch for it, expect it. Remember that the Holy Spirit is your teacher.
* Take time daily to listen and be in conversation with God. Get in the habit of asking questions like, "What are you doing, Lord? What do you want me to see and understand in my current circumstances?"
* Wait for confirmation. "Test everything" (1Thess. 5:21). God isn't in a hurry. Trust that He will confirm His will through Scripture, wise counsel, and circumstances.
* Take steps to respond obediently to the guidance you receive; trusting that God will provide confirmation and blessing (See James 1:22; 2:17).
Means of Guidance:
* The Bible, God's Word - God speaks primarily through His Word, as we read and meditate on it. The Scripture is our standard of measure for all other forms of guidance. What the Spirit guides us into will always be consistent with the teaching of the Bible and will never contradict it. In addition, we must be careful to interpret the Bible accurately.
* Prayer - Conversation with God - Prayer is not just talking to God, but dialogue with God. We listen for, and hear, God's voice in the midst of prayer.
* Godly Counsel - God often speaks to us through the wise counsel of mature Christian believers - pastors, church elders, leaders, accountability partners, counselors - people who walk closely with God and who know Him intimately.
* Providential Circumstances - God can work through even our most difficult circumstances to guide us in a particular direction.
* Sanctified Common Sense - As we think and engage in theological reflection, and weigh the pros and cons of options open to us, God works through our reason in bringing us to a decision. Even when it seems God has not spoken clearly, there may be times we have to choose an option because it is not possible to wait further. In such cases we need to use our best common sense to choose the alternative that will bring glory to God as the Holy Spirit leads us (1Cor. 10:31).
* Inner Witness and Peace - Generally, the Holy Spirit confirms God's will to us by giving peace in our hearts (Col. 3:15). However, this does not mean we will always - or immediately - receive peace regarding God's guidance. There may be anguish or struggle, such as Jesus experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane in the process of obeying Gods' will to go to the cross and die for a sinful world. Jesus prayed and was obedient to God's leading, but experienced peace only later (Mark 14:32-36; Luke 22: 39-44).
* Inner Promptings of the Holy Spirit - Based on 1Cor 12:8, 10, the Holy Spirit can guide us through factual truths we did not know before and through wisdom or the specific applications of God's Word or Truth to a particular situation. Such words generally come in the sense of a subjective inner voice, but at times they can seem to be audible words (1Sam. 3:2-14). God has spoken to His people through visions and dreams in the past and certainly can do so in the present (Dan. 2:19; Acts 9:10-16; Acts 10:9-23; 18:9-10).
* Nature - God has revealed Himself generally through nature and His creation. However, there are times when God touches us afresh and guides us through some part of the beauty of His creation - the grandeur of the stars on a clear night or the colors of a sunset.
* Heavenly Visitation, or the "Hand of the Lord" - There are times when God reveals Himself by an angel or special manifestation of Himself (Acts 8:26, 29; 9:3-6; Dan. 9:20-23).
We are meant to be in a listening relationship with God. At any moment, anytime, day or night, in the midst of ministry or the most mundane tasks of living, God can and will speak to us.
Increasingly Aware of God's Presence
We can grow in listening and guidance until we are "practicing the presence of God," increasingly aware of His presence and gentle leading in all the circumstances of our living. This kind of living does not happen effortlessly. We must desire it and seek it with all our hearts. It requires choosing a course of action that will draw us into constant communion with God. It means entering strongly into the disciplines of listening and guidance as a crucial means of experiencing deeper intimacy with God and receiving His transforming power. Listening becomes a launching pad for effective service and ministry in partnership with God; guidance brings confidence and peace that we are indeed in relationship with the living God; and hearing God's voice brings events of the Bible alive for us and allows our faith in the Truth of the Word to rise beyond abstract conviction to heart knowledge of the truth.
The Process of Guidance
Here's how George Muller sums up the way he entered into a "heart" relationship with God and learned to hear and discern God's voice:
I seek at the beginning to get my heart into such a state that it has no will of
its own in regard to a given matter. Having done this, I do not leave the result
to feeling or simple impression. If so, I make myself liable to great delusion.
I seek the Will of the Holy Spirit through, or in connection with, the Word
of God. The Spirit and the Word must be combined. If I look to the Spirit
alone without the Word, I lay myself open to great delusions also. If the Holy
Ghost guides at all, He will do it according to the Scriptures and never contrary
to them. Next, I take into account providential circumstances. These often
plainly indicate God's will in connection with His Word and Spirit. I ask God
in prayer to reveal His Will to me rightly and fully. Thus, 1) through prayer to
God, 2) the study of the Word, and 3) reflection, I come to deliberate judgment
according to the best of my ability and knowledge, and if my mind is thus at
peace, and continues so after two or three more petitions, I proceed accordingly.
We open ourselves to mistakes if we allow the opinions of others to sway us from the clear instructions of Scripture, or if we are impatient in waiting for God's timing, or when our own wills are so strong we cannot get our hearts ready to respond to the guidance He gives. Guidance from God is seldom a simple occurrence; it is almost a process of listening, testing, and discerning that leads to confident obedience. F.B. Meyer describes the process of guidance as follows:
God's impressions within and His words without are always corroborated
by His providence around, and we should quietly wait until those three focus
into one point…If you do not know what you ought to do, stand still until you
do, and when the time comes for action, circumstances, like glow-worms, will
sparkle along your path, and you will become so sure that you are right, when
God's three witnesses concur, that you could not be surer though an angel
beckoned you on.
The Holy Spirit seldom uses all the means of guidance, but usually does bring several together in a process that brings conviction to an individual or group along with confidence to respond in obedience.
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