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The Basics for Living a Meaningful, Balanced, and Godly Life
(updated 11/15/02)
(1) The most important decision in life is the one made by you concerning Jesus Christ. God has said that everyone who sins must pay the penalty for his/her sins, and there is no one, including you, who is righteous and free from sin. There is no payment you can possibly make, nor nothing that you could do that would satisfy a Holy and Just God. The penalty or payment due for your sin is eternal death and separation from God - forever. The only hope you have is to recognize you are a lost, helpless sinner before God, be genuinely sorrowful, and ask God for forgiveness. Then you must realize that God loves you so much that He planned and provided for you a once-for-all-time opportunity to accept His forgiveness, His free gift of eternal life, and adoption into His family. You do this by believing in and accepting the Son of God, Jesus Christ, as your personal Savior and Lord of your life. Jesus, being the sinless and perfect God-Man, willingly took upon Himself your penalty for sin (as your substitute) thereby completely satisfying God’s righteous-holy wrath against you. Jesus died to actually pay for your every personal sin - past, present, future. Jesus was resurrected from the dead which showed God’s approval and acceptance for what He did for you. After you have accepted Jesus as your Savior and Lord, important next steps are: be water-baptized - an outward sign of the inward cleansing you have received; become active in worshipping God in a Christ-centered church; daily, call upon Jesus for His strength, guidance, and enabling to live as He requires in the following key areas, which will lead to a Meaningful, Balanced, and Godly life:
(2) Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your (spouse/others) as you love yourself.
(3) Seek to know God, His Ways, and His Word before anything else - even more than desiring solutions to your problems. Trust that the Lord knows you and your needs better than you do.
(4) Seek knowledge, wisdom, and understanding from the Holy Spirit.
(5) Invite the Holy Spirit to totally empower and control you moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.
(6) Pray continually. Meditate and fast. Seek to be joyful/content always, giving thanks for God’s loving control in sending or allowing all circumstances in your life. Choose to believe in God’s goodness no matter what the circumstances.
(7) Choose to forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. Continually ask Christ for forgiveness of your daily sins He makes you aware of. By faith, receive and give thanks for His forgiveness.
(8) Think of others as better than yourself. Do nothing out of selfish ambition/pride. Hate what is evil. Cling to what is good.
(9) Excel in the grace of giving - time, money, and devotion/worship to God. Allow yourself to be a living sacrifice to God.
(10) Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Think about whatever is pure, lovely, admirable, good. Avoid anger, rage, filthy language, sexual immorality, evil desires, greed.
(11) Mutually submit to each other. Husband-love your wife as yourself and even sacrificially as Christ loved you enough to suffer and die for you. Wife-respect and submit to the position your husband has been placed in just as Christ submits to the Father. Parent-be reasonable in your love and discipline toward your child(ren) - avoid extremes. You must honor and respect all those in authority over you as well as those who are under you.
(12) Bless and pray for any that mistreat you. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Allow love to cover many shortcomings of others. Do not repay evil for evil. Let God repay as He determines.
(13) Trust in the Lord always; Do not depend on your own understanding; acknowledge Him in everything and all circumstances. Realize your powerlessness to face any issue, and look only to God for guidance, help, and hope.
(14) Choose Life over Death (right over wrong) in every life situation. Trust God to bring your choice about and make it happen. Realize the Lord is your life.
(15) Seek to live and act holy just as God is holy. Seek to fear/honor/respect God and keep His commandments. Don’t grow weary in doing good.
Reference Notes
1) Joel 2:32. Mt. 16:16. Lk. 1:77-78. Jn. 3:16-18, 36; 5:24; 6:29, 40; 8:24; 14:6; 20:31.
Acts 2:21, 38; 4:12; 10:43; 13:39; 15:11; 16:31; 22:16; 26:18. Rom. 3:10-12, 20, 22-26; 4:22-
25; 5:1, 6, 8; 6:9-10; 8:1-2, 24a; 10:9-10, 13. 2 Cor. 5:21; 7:10. Gal. 2:15-16; 3:13-14.
Eph. 1:3-8; 2:8-9. Col. 1:21-22; 2:13-14. 2 Thess. 1:8-9. 1 Tim. 2:3-6. 2 Tim. 1:9-10; 3:15.
Tit. 3:5-8. Heb. 5:8; 9:12, 22; 7:25-27; 10:10, 25. 1 Pet. 3:18. 1 Jn.3:1a; 4:9-10; 5:1, 11-12, 17.
2) Deut. 6:5; 10:12-13. Mt. 10:37-39; 22:36-40. Mk. 12:30-31. Rom. 13:8-10; 1 Cor. 13:4-8.
3) Job 28:24. Ps. 119:11, 168. Mt. 6:8, 25-33; Lk. 12:31. Rom. 8:26-27. Eph. 3:16-19; 5:10, 17.
2 Pet. 3:3-8.
4) Prov. 2:6, 13-15; 8:10; 16:16. Col. 1:9-12; 2:2-3. Jas. 1:5.
5) Jn. 16:13. Rom. 8:26-27. Eph. 5:18.
6) Job 42:1-2. Ps. 119:68; 136:1. Eccles. 12:14. Mt. 6:17-18; 7:7-8; 17:21. Rom. 8:28; 12:12.
Eph. 3:12. Phil. 4:4-7, 11-13, 19. Col. 4:2. 1 Thess. 5:16-18. 1 Tim. 6:6-10. Jas. 5:11. Heb. 13:5.
I Pet. 5:6-7. Ps. 119:48, 78, 97.
7) Ps. 103:1-5. Mic. 7:18-19. Mt. 6:9-14. Lk. 11:4a. Eph. 4:30, 32. Col. 3:13-14. Heb. 12:15.
1 Jn. 1:9-10.
8) Rom. 12:3, 9. Gal. 6:3-5. Eph. 4:31. Phil. 2:3. Col. 3:1-10. 1 Thess. 5:21-22. 2 Tim. 2:22.
Jas. 4:7-8a.
9) Rom. 12:1. 2 Cor. 7: 16b; 8:7; 9:6-15.
10) Gal. 5:22-23. Eph. 4:2. Phil. 4:8. Col. 3:2, 5, 8, 12.
11) Eph. 5:21-6:9. Col. 3:18-4:1. Heb. 13:17. 1 Pet. 1:13, 18; 3:1-8.
12) Mt. 5:44. Rom. 12:14, 17-21. 2 Thess. 1:6-7a. 2 Tim. 4:14. Jas. 1:19. 1 Pet. 3:9; 4:8.
13) 2 Chron. 20:12, 15. Job 41:11b. Prov. 3:5-6. Ezek. 37:1-14. Dan. 3:16-18. Hab. 3:17-19.
Jn. 5:16-18. Rom. 15:13. 2 Cor. 12:9, 10b. Gal. 2:20; 3:3; 5:16-18. Heb. 4:7-8.
14) Deut. 6:18; 30:11-20. Eph. 1:11b. Phil. 2:12-13. Heb. 13:20-21.
15) Lev. 19:2. Eccles. 12:13. Is. 40:28-31. Mt. 5:48. 2 Cor. 13:11a. Gal. 6:9. Eph. 5:1-2.
Phil. 1:9-11. 2 Thess. 3:13. Heb. 12:14. 1 Pet. 1:15.
TALKING WITH GOD
(updated: 05/24/02)
The following are prayers, statements, and key thoughts from other well-known Christians. These have been collected over time from various writings, sermons, radio broadcasts, etc. Use these as your own prayers to reflect your heart and need to God.
Lord, use me to accomplish great things for YOUR kingdom.
Lord, apart from You, I can't do it; I won't do it; it won't get done.
Lord, help me to never, never, never trust in myself, my ability, or what I have done or can do; help me to always, always, trust You every minute of every day for everything.
Lord, I am Yours in all that I have.
Lord, I don’t know where You are taking me, but I trust You know where You are going.
Lord, I trust You as the "Master of Breakthroughs."
Lord, as I face this problem, I pray that I will be able to discern and do Your will. As I commit my request to You, I pray for the grace to continue trusting You while I wait for Your answer.
Lord, make me willing to allow the Holy Spirit to produce in my life BOTH the desire AND behavior that's pleasing to You.
Lord, I am willing for You to do whatever it takes for You to overcome this sin in my life and achieve Your goals. Change me and make me willing to change to do Your will and be obedient to You.
Lord, I can't, but You can.
Lord, I'm leaving it with You; you do what You think is best.
Lord, I want to go where You want me to go. I want to be what You want me to be. I want to do what You want me to do. But, I am at the end of my resources.
Lord, all that I am -- all that I hope to be -- all that I have, I give it all to You as an offering.
Lord, help me to seek You before, during, and after my time of struggle.
Lord, I entrust my "life dream" to You. I trust Your loving intentions enough for You to determine what my success should be.
Lord, make my greatest passion and deepest longing to know You and make You known to others.
Lord, enable me to trust that You will be there for me. When I can't feel You, allow my FAITH to take over.
Lord, I am willing to be made willing.
Lord, I have failed. Can we try it together again?
Lord, help me to daily surrender control of my life to You.
Lord, turn my expectations inside out.
Lord, I trust You will allow what You will allow, and nothing can touch me otherwise.
Lord, as I face this problem, I pray that I will be able to discern and do Your will. As I commit by request to You, I pray for the grace to continue trusting You while I wait for Your answer.
Lord, even though You are never in a hurry, help me to trust that You are always on time.
Lord, help me do better than I can.
Lord, I have not been able to live the Christian life; I can't now live the Christian life; I will not be able to live the Christian life. As a branch I must abide in You, the Vine. Help me to realize You never intended for me to live apart from You.
Lord, I know success depends on You. How do You want me to cooperate with You?
Lord, help me to begin small, but start promptly.
Lord, help me to focus on faith; free me from fear.
Lord, save me from the enemy outside and also from the enemy within.
Lord, help me to realize that no matter how bad it is, it could be worse without You and Your love.
Lord, help me to understand that Your compassion is so great that You gave up Your Son before You would give up on me.
Lord, help me to realize that if You can use anything, You can use me.
Lord, help me to understand that if I have anything at all, I have something to give.
Lord, help me to realize there is no way to avoid life's storms; but we can walk through them together.
Lord, cause me to know that I cannot go back and make a brand new start. But, starting now with You, I can make a brand new end.
Lord, allow me to understand that when I pray, You are either answering my prayer, or You are fixing me to be able to pray a prayer that You can answer.
Lord, help me to look expectantly for Your hand in all of life's circumstances and realize there is no such thing as a coincidence. You are in control and nothing happens by accident. Everything occurs for a purpose.
Lord, when I fail, help me to hear You say, "If you want, we can try it again TOGETHER."
Lord, encourage me to ASK great things from You; to EXPECT great things from You; and to DO great things with You!
Lord, instead of me asking "Why" is this happening now, enable me to see and understand "What" You wisely and lovingly want me to know about You in this situation.
Lord, make it possible for me to thank You for this experience You have sent me even if You never tell me "why."
Lord, I am hanging on to You. You can do whatever You want. Just carry me through.
Lord, I can’t sense your Presence in this situation. But, I know You are!!
Lord, please make it possible for me not to 'whine' but to 'shine.'
Lord, I need you to be a "WAY-MAKER" in my life now.
Lord, produce the fruit in my life in keeping with my repentance.
Lord, help me remember that the best way to keep the Enemy out is to keep YOU in.
Lord, whether or not my deepest longings and most desperate prayers are granted, enable my faith to be in You. Make my desire to desire Your will above all else.
WHY THIS?? WHY NOW?? WHY ME??
(11/19/01 - Bill Bellican)
At times of unparalleled stress and suffering in our lives, these are questions we shout to God desiring, even demanding answers. And, these lead to other questions such as: Is God in control of what’s happening to and around me? Is God really all good? Am I really all that bad to deserve this? Is God just paying me back for what I have done? In addition to these seemingly unanswered questions, Satan complicates the situation seeking to alienate us from God and have it seem that God is alienated from us.
It is important for us to ask these questions of God and seek an understanding based on His Word. The story of Job deals with these very things. One can begin to see into this struggle in the heavens between God and the Enemy from God’s point of view and how His Divine purpose involving us is in the balance. We start to understand in our struggle that God works in these times to:
- strengthen our faith;
- teach us a lesson/truth we need to know;
- allow us to experience the consequences of our sin and the (loving) discipline He brings;
- work His testing and refinement in our lives;
- reveal His comfort/grace;
- accomplish His own sovereign/mysterious purposes. Finally, we must come to the place of accepting that God does not allow us to suffer for no reason. And even though the reason may be hidden in the mystery of his Divine purpose-never for us to know in this lifetime-we must trust in Him as the God who does only what is right.
Prayerfully consider the following selections in Job. Meditate on them and dialogue with God about them as you grapple with your issues.
Chapter 1 - 2:10; Chapter 3; Chapter 6:4, 24; Chapter 7:7,11; Chapter 9:14-10:22; Chapter 12:13-25; Chapter 13:15-24; Chapter 16:6-9, 12, 16-21; Chapter 17:1, 7, 11; Chapter 19:6-20; Chapter 21:4-9, 13-16, 22-26;
Chapter 23:1-17; Chapter 24:1, 12, 22-24; Chapter 28:12-15, 23-24, 28; Chapter 29:1-6; Chapter 30:15-31; Chapter 31:5-6; Chapters 38-42.
Some conclusions we can draw from God’s Word in Job include:
- There are matters going on in heaven with God that we know nothing about that affect our lives.
- Even the best effort at explaining the issues of life can be useless.
- God’s people do suffer. Bad things happen all the time to good people - so one cannot judge a person’s spirituality by his painful circumstances or successes.
- Even though God seems far away, perseverance in faith is a most noble virtue since God is Good and one can safely leave his life in His Hands.
- In the midst of suffering, we must not abandon God, but draw near to Him so out of the fellowship can come the comfort - without the explanation.
- Suffering may be intense, but it will ultimately end for the righteous and God will bless abundantly.
- Job finally rested in nothing but faith in God’s Goodness and the hope of His redemption. God vindicated Job’s trust.
- When there are no rational, or even theological, explanations for disaster and pain, trust God.
- Suffering is directed by perfect Divine Wisdom.
ANGER, COMMUNICATION AND PROVERBS
(updated: 07/16/03)
The Bible has a great deal to say about anger, ineffective ways of communicating, what to avoid, and how to pursue a healthier way to communicate. The following selections of Scripture are taken from the book of Proverbs (NIV).
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. Prov. 10:12
When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. Prov. 10:19
A kind man benefits himself, but a cruel man brings trouble on himself. Prov. 11:17
A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult. Prov. 12:16
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov. 12:18
He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. Prov. 13:3
A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated. Prov. 14:17
A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly. Prov. 14:29
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. Prov. 15:18
Better a patient man than warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city. Prov. 16:32
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Prov. 17:9
Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. Prov. 17:14
He who loves a quarrel loves sin (Prov. 17:19a).
A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Prov. 17:27
A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions. Prov. 18:2
He who answers before listening - that is his folly and his shame. Prov. 18:13
He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers. Prov. 19:8
A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. Prov. 19:11
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. Prov. 19:19
It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. Prov. 20:3
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome [wife]. Prov. 21:9
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered [wife]. Prov. 21:19
He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity. Prov. 21:23
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn his ways and get yourself ensnared. Prov. 22:24
Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. Prov. 25:15
Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control. Prov. 25:28
Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking." Prov. 26:18-19
A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming, do not believe him (Prov. 26:24-25a).
A quarrelsome [wife] is like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Prov 27:15).
A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Prov. 29:11
Do you see a man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Prov. 29:20
An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins. Prov. 29:22
DECISION MAKING AND THE WILL OF GOD
(Adapted from the book by Garry Friesen)
(Updated 07/16/03)
The expression "will of God" is used in the Bible in two ways. God's sovereign will is His secret plan to determine everything that happens in the universe. God's moral will consists of the revealed commands in the Bible that teach how we ought to believe and live.
The Nature of God's Moral Will
- It is the expression, in behavioral terms, of God's character.
- It touches every aspect and moment of life: goals, attitudes, and means (why, how, and
what).
- It is fully revealed in the Bible.
- It is able to equip believers for every good work.
For God's children, all things within the moral will of God are lawful, clean, and pure. In decisions that are made within that moral will, the Christian should not feel guilty about his choice; neither should he fear that his decision is unacceptable to God. God has made it clear what He wants: His plan for His children is for them to enjoy the freedom that He has granted.
What One Must Do To Acquire Wisdom
Have the right Attitude
- Reverence
- Humility
- Teachableness
- Diligence
- Uprightness
- Faith
Take The Right Approach
- Ask God for Wisdom
- Seek Wisdom in the pages of Scripture
- Seek Wisdom through personal research
- Seek Wisdom through wise counselors
- Seek Wisdom from life itself
To sum up: The ultimate Source of the wisdom that is needed in decision-making is God. Accordingly, we are to ask Him to provide what we lack. God mediates His wisdom to us through His Word, our personal research, wise counselors, and the applied lessons of life. Regarding counselors, one should seek two kinds: Of those who possess deep spiritual insight, the question should be asked: "Are you aware of any biblical principles that touch upon my decision?" To those who have gone through relevant personal experiences, the question should be: "When you went through a similar experience, did you gain any insights that would be of value to me?"
Principles of Decision Making - The Way of Wisdom
- In those areas specifically addressed by the Bible, the revealed commands and principles of God (His moral will) are to be obeyed.
- In those areas where the Bible gives no command or principle (non-moral decisions), the believer is free and responsible to choose his own course of action. Any decision made within the moral will of God is acceptable to God.
- In non-moral decisions, the objective of the Christian is to make wise decisions on the basis of spiritual expediency. Spiritual expediency, put simply, means what works best to get the job done-within God's moral will. Wisdom is the power to see, and the inclination to choose, the best and highest goal, together with the surest means of attaining it.
- In all decisions, the believer should humbly submit, in advance, to the outworking of God's sovereign will as it touches each decision.
God's Sovereign Will and Decision Making
- God's sovereignty does not exclude the need for planning; it does require humble submission to His will.
- Circumstances define the context of the decision and must be weighed by wisdom…not "read" as road signs to God's individual (as opposed to His moral) will. Such events are determined by God, to be sure, but they are not to be viewed as "signs" to be read. Circumstances must be evaluated, not to determine some clue from God, but to help decide the advisability of a given course of action. Circumstances indicate many of the pros and cons, but they carry no "yes" or "no" tags.
- Open doors are God-given opportunities for service…not specific guidance from God requiring one to enter. Opportunities, like everything else, come through God's sovereignty. The nature of such opportunities indicates that most of the time "open doors" should be utilized as part of wise, resourceful living for the Lord. If a greater opportunity or more pressing work is at hand, it is acceptable and proper to pass by the open door. An "open door" is not a direct providential sign from God telling the believer to go in a certain direction. A door is used, not because it is a sign, but because doors facilitate entrance. Considering the concept of "closed doors," if one were sovereignly prevented from pursuing a plan, and yet the plan itself was sound, one simply might wait and try again later. In this view, a blocked endeavor (i.e., closed door) is not necessarily a sign from God that a plan was faulty. One might accept the fact that he could not pursue it at this time and continue to desire, pray, and plan for the eventual accomplishment of the goal.
- "Putting out a fleece" is an invalid practice that sometimes works when it is really wisdom in disguise.
Applicational Solutions of the Wisdom View
- Ordinary Decisions: One should exercise good judgment and not waste time.
- Equal Decisions: One should thank God for the opportunity to select from acceptable alternatives, and choose one's personal preference.
- Immaturity: One should apply maturity by gathering and evaluating data, devoting sufficient time to the process, giving personal desires their proper place, and basing the decision on sound reasons.
- Subjectivity: Since God's moral will has been completely revealed and the means of acquiring wisdom has been explained, the knowledge required for decision making is fully attainable.
The believer already has at his disposal everything that God is going to tell him about his decisions. The moral will of God is objective, complete, and adequate. God's Word does not tell one what to decide in every situation; it teaches how to come to a decision that is acceptable to God. It is from
Scripture that we learn the necessity of determining those choices that are both moral and wise. It is the Bible that tells us to acquire wisdom and apply it to our decisions. It is the Bible that tells us where wisdom is to be found. It is the Bible that tells us of God's involvement in giving us wisdom. It is the Bible that established the objective standard by which we may define and recognize what is moral and wise. It is assumed in Scripture that knowledge of God's moral will and the necessary wisdom for good decision-making are attainable. The Bible indicates that one's depth of wisdom and knowledge of God's moral will certainly will increase progressively over a period of time. The believer is expected to study the Word sufficiently to become personally convinced of its meaning. As he grows in spiritual insight and understanding of God's Word, his convictions will be appropriately revised, his judgment will mature, and his decisions will reflect greater wisdom. But at any given point, the believer can acquire a sufficient knowledge of God's moral will and an adequate level of wisdom to make a decision that meets God's approval.
Wisdom Signs Pointing to God's Moral Will and Wisdom
- Bible
- Inner Impressions
- Personal Desires
- Special Guidance
- Circumstances
- Mature Counsel
- Common Sense
- Results
Impressions can come from a multitude of sources. They must be judged by the moral will of God and by wisdom. On the basis of that evaluation, the believer determines his response to the impression. Those impressions that conform to God's moral will and to wisdom may be followed.
The presence of peace or the lack of it may or may not mean a decision is the best. The lack of peace may indicate immaturity, fear of one's inability to keep a potential commitment, concern about the wisdom of a course of action, or uncertainty about one's judgment in the decision at hand. The way of wisdom judges the emotional makeup and momentary emotional state of the believer himself as one of the valid circumstances in the situation. That "concerned feeling" should be judged by wisdom. One's emotional makeup should be judged by wisdom. In the final analysis, every good thing comes from God. So any thought, impression, or feeling that is both moral and wise has its ultimate origin in Him.
According to the Bible, God is involved in our decision making at several levels. First, He has provided the resources for making decisions that are acceptable to Him. He has revealed His moral will in its totality. He has instructed us in His Word to seek wisdom for making decisions, and has informed us how to do it. Further, He has given us a new nature which makes obedience of His moral will possible. As a loving Father, He has equipped us with everything we need to make decisions that are pleasing to Him. As we work through the process of arriving at a decision, God is continually present and working within us. The words of Paul remind us that "it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Phil 2:13). Specifically, His grace enables us to trust in Him (Acts 18:27). He gives the believer the desire to obey His will. By His Spirit, He provides the enablement to keep His commandments. Furthermore, it is God who sovereignly opens doors of opportunity for us. When we ask for wisdom, He gives it through the channels He has established for our benefit. He also answers the related prayers we offer concerning our decisions. And He brings to successful completion those of our plans that are within His sovereign will. Along the way, He utilizes the circumstances and the very process of decision- making to change our character and bring us to maturity. Finally, He works through our decisions to accomplish His purposes - not only in us, but through us. We can trust that if anything more is needed for guidance - such as an audible voice, an angelic messenger, or some other form of supernatural revelation - He will supply it just as He has when it was necessary in times past.
WHERE DO I STAND WITH THE LORD?
(Adapted from Discovery Series - What Does God Think Of Me Now?)
(Updated 07/17/03)
As a Christian, where do I stand with the Lord? What really happened the day I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior? Who am I, really, to the Lord? When God looks at me, what does He see?
Is there any better way of answering that question than to say that we are who God says we are?
Before we were Christians, God saw us in a completely different way than He sees us now. He used to see us as:
- condemned (John 3:18)
- lost (Matthew 18:11; 2 Cor 4:3)
- guilty (Romans 3:19)
- spiritually dead (Eph 2:1-5)
- alienated from Himself (Eph 4:18)
- His enemies (Romans 5:10; Col 1:21)
- children of wrath (Eph 2:3).
God saw us condemned because we did not live up to the light He had given us. He saw us as lost because we wandered aimlessly down our own sinful paths. He saw us as guilty because we kept breaking His laws. He saw us as spiritually dead because we had separated ourselves from Him. He saw us as alienated, His enemies, and children of wrath because we kept choosing wickedness instead of goodness.
God, therefore, saw us as needing forgiveness. He saw us as needing to be found. He saw us as needing a Substitute to take away our guilt. He saw us as needing a new birth to make possible a restored relationship with Himself. He saw us as needing reconciliation - a removal of the hostility between ourselves and Him. Otherwise, without these needs being realized and given our unacceptable condition, we would be doomed to be eternally apart from God.
So, what does God think of me now? Every Christian is seen by God as being "in Christ." In the first three chapters of Ephesians, Paul tells us that in Christ we are:
- Blessed with every spiritual blessing (1:3)
- Chosen before the beginning of time (1:4)
- Loved (1:4)
- Predestined (1:5, 11)
- Adopted (1:5)
- Accepted (1:6)
- Redeemed (1:7)
- Forgiven (1:7)
- Given wisdom and understanding (1:8)
- Shown the mystery of His will (1:9, 10)
- Given a guaranteed inheritance (1:11, 14)
- Made "the praise of His glory" (1:12)
- Secured by the Spirit (1:13)
- Recipients of God's power (1:19)
- Made alive together with Christ (2:5)
- Raised up and seated in the heavenlies (2:6)
- Recipients of God's grace and kindness (2:7)
- God's masterful workmanship (2:10)
- Created for good works (2:10)
- Brought near to God (2:13)
- United into one body (2:15, 16; 3:6)
- Fellow citizens with other Christians (2:19)
- Members of God's household (2:19)
- Built for the Spirit's habitation (2:21, 22)
- Partakers of God's promise (3:6)
- Given bold and confident access to God (3:12)
Other parts of the New Testament fill out this picture of who we are in Christ:
- Children of God (John 1:12, 1 John 3:1,2)
- Justified (Romans 3:24; 5:1; 8:30)
- Dead to sin and alive to God (Romans 6:11)
- Recipients of eternal life (Romans 6:23)
- No longer condemned (Romans 8:1)
- Foreknown (Romans 8:29)
- Called (Romans 8:30)
- Glorified (Romans 8:30)
- Sanctified (1 Cor 1:30)
- New creations (2 Cor 5:17)
- Reconciled to God (2 Cor 5:19)
- Righteous (2 Cor 5:21)
- Citizens of heaven (Philippians 3:20)
- Rescued from Satan's power (Col 1:13)
- Placed into God's kingdom (Col 1:13)
- Complete (Col 2:10)
- Perfect (Hebrews 10:14)
- Holy and royal priests (1 Peter 2:5, 9)
- A chosen generation (1 Peter 2:9)
- A holy nation (1 Peter 2:9)
- God's own special people (1 Peter 2:9)
This list shows a tremendous change from the way God saw us before we trusted Christ as our Savior and Lord. We have this privileged standing before God, not because of anything we deserve, but because of who we are "in Christ."
FAMILIES EXPERIENCING TROUBLE
(Adapted from Helping Troubled Families by Charles M. Sell)
(07/17/03 - Bill Bellican)
1. Addictive/Compulsive Families
An addictive or compulsive family member troubles the whole family, just as an injured part of the body affects the whole person. So too family members will compensate for an addicted/compulsive's erratic and unreliable conduct by behaving in ways that might worsen the situation. This may shock spouses and children who thought all their problems would go away once the alcoholic stopped drinking or the workaholic took more time off. They were not aware that the whole family, not just the addict, would need to be fixed.
Dysfunctional Family Organization
1. Addictive/Compulsive Families
Typically a troubled family organizes itself around the troubled person with the person becoming the center around which family members orbit. Families need leadership, the kind that empowers its members to express themselves and mature. The kind of control discussed here results in demoralizing family members and stifling their growth. When family life is regulated by such persons, their chaotic, unpredictable, unmanaged life creates a chaotic, unpredictable, unmanaged household. Individual family members' behavior becomes tied to the troubled person. The tension family members feel makes them describe living at home like "walking on eggshells." The family's adjustment to the addiction or compulsive behavior of one of their members is similar to their accommodating themselves to a parent's working schedule. The effort to make these adjustments is what family systems experts call a process of homeostasis. The family adjusts itself to keep things stable when circumstances disrupt family life. When one person's behavior changes drastically, the family will adjust to that. They'll do this for addicts because they care about them and because his or her welfare is tied to their own.
Because the family members are bound together with the abuser, they cannot simply ignore him or her. The troubled person's erratic, irresponsible behavior becomes unsettling, serious, even traumatic, and family members feel they must do something to get the person to gain control of himself or herself. They will try any commonsense thing to get the person to stop - plead with or threaten him or her, cry, and tell the person how badly they feel. And if those tactics don't work, they pour the person's liquor down the drain or send someone to the bar to tell the drinker to come home. Some of these strategies may work, especially in the case of someone whose addiction problems are not terribly out of control. But if these efforts don't work and the problem persists, the family will make subtle, slow adjustments to accommodate the addict's behavior, even though they don't approve of it.
These families will alter their life in a number of areas including:
*Routines - through routines families maintain some stability and order. A strong family is one where these routines are consistently carried out. When families allow their routines to be determined by someone who is out of control, like an addict, the family behavior will become as inconsistent and chaotic as the addict's life.
*Rituals -- Rituals are routines with an added ingredient - significance. Rituals govern the way the family carries out important activities, like praying together, celebrating special occasions, etc. For an example, a mother with an anger problem, under stress of preparing a Thanksgiving Dinner, might lose control of her temper, dampening the family's holiday mood. If these become regular holiday occurrences, families will begin to expect them and do what they can to lessen the impact. When rituals are modified, their significance may be greatly diminished. Rituals are ruined when the emotions and meanings associated with them are supplanted by the anger and disappointment of having to deal with the problem behavior. It should be noted that all of these alterations in the family are designed to deal with the troubled parent's behavior not by ignoring it or continuing in spite of it but changing to accommodate it. Families least likely to reproduce addicts were those who did not permit the troubled person's presence to disrupt the family's routines and rituals. They distanced themselves instead of accommodated themselves.
*Problem-Solving Procedures - Besides routines and rituals, the family also tries to regulate itself by modifying its problem-solving procedures. These modifications involve doing things to bring a member back into line if that person threatens the family's stability. Troubled families may use two distinct problem-solving methods. First, they vigilantly guard the status quo, because they tend to be unusually sensitive to any destabilization of the family. Once the family has stabilized around the out-of-control person, they appear to be uncommonly threatened by any other change. Dysfunctional families are generally rigid. Strong families are flexible. As children get older and conditions change in the family, the family needs to adjust. Many of these changes are related to the family's life phases. All change (good and bad) is stressful, and it can be both good and bad at the same time - like the birth of a child, for example. Arriving at a life stage may trigger a crisis in the family if it is too rigid to handle it properly. The second distinct feature of the troubled family's problem-solving procedure is using the problem person's behavior to assist the family in dealing with problems. If this happens, the addictive problem becomes a part of the family's normal functioning. This has major implications when, for example, an addict stops drinking. The alcohol that has become necessary for the family to function is now gone. Learning how to operate without it may become very difficult for all of them.
*Family Devastation - These changes are especially devastating because the family's stability now depends on the continued behavior by the addict. This insight helps us understand why it is crucial that the family system change when treating an addictive/compulsive behavior. Otherwise, the system will continue to pressure the troubled persons to stay as they are. Despite the conscious wish to see the troubled person change, family members may have an unconscious desire to have the person continue as he or she is.
Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families
*Enmeshment - This means family members become too closely bonded with each other. Strong families connect in a balanced way. They have a strong sense of togetherness, but it's tempered by allowing members to be independent. They feel close and committed to each other, but their closeness empowers them as separate persons. Enmeshed families, in contrast, allow their connectedness to stifle individuality. They may also swing to the opposite extreme and be so independent that the members are disengaged.
Under the control of a parent, cohesiveness is often forced on the members. In an effort to overcome family shame, efforts are made to keep the family together. Members are expected to be loyal - being together is not necessarily desired; it is required. Members of strong families may get together for Christmas because they want to, but dysfunctional family members do so because they have to. Members of strong families enjoy each other; those of troubled families tend to endure each other. Enmeshment is often referred to as codependence, and it manifests itself in number of harmful ways. Family members sometimes feel too much, depend too much on, or do too much for each other. While some sacrifice is o.k., sacrifice can be harmful, not just to the one who is sacrificing but also to the one for whom the sacrifice is made. Jesus, by His crucifixion, is the greatest example of sacrifice, but His sacrifice was with purpose.
*Inadequate Communication - Dysfunctional families are notorious for their poor communication. They have the now-famous rules: "Don't trust; don't feel, and don't talk." A functional family has no such rules. The rules that keep dysfunctional families from talking come from the "elephant in the living room" phenomenon. The large beast represents the family's problem. Fear and shame keep family members from discussing it. Initially their feelings may be so overwhelming that they deal with them by trying not to feel. Ignoring the most important family matter causes them to ignore other feelings and thoughts as well. Communication is superficial because of the threat of talking about their shame, fear, and depression. The family avoids healthy conflict and urges members not to rock the boat. Their desire for peace at all costs inhibits any authenticity, vulnerability, or transparency. Since they are unable to talk, family members struggle to adapt and survive, employing numerous defenses to ward off the pain. One of those defenses is denial.
*Denial and Reality Shifting - People in dysfunctional families usually have a distorted view of reality. They see the terrible things happening in their homes, yet they don't recognize them for what they are. This denial takes any number of forms. They may minimize the problem. They may consider themselves normal. They may delay doing anything about it, thinking the problem will eventually solve itself. Being in denial causes people to experience what is called "reality shifting." This is when there is a major discrepancy between what is said and what a child experiences. Forcing children to disregard what they experience distorts their sense of what is true and normal, causing them to live in doubt and confusion.
*Wet - Dry Cycle - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde often come to mind when referring to addicts. They have a sober personality and an addicted one - and their families do too. This sobriety-intoxication cycle deprives them of one of the major traits of strong families - consistency. What is so amazing about these cycles is that the family members tend to behave like the addict. Families are not all alike when one of the members is an addict. While some families may feel close to each other, others may feel isolated from one another. Some may be tranquil, others combative. Yet they definitely exhibit two states. During the sober period, the home atmosphere may be very tense with children fearing the addict may move to his/her addiction. The contrast between the two states can be extreme:
| |
dry |
wet |
| |
Promises Made |
Promises Broken |
| |
Overpunitive |
Overcaring |
| |
Rigid |
Adaptive |
This unpredictability and inconsistency can exact a toll on family members.
*Role Reversals -- When one family member becomes increasingly disabled, other family members will begin to carry an extra load to keep the family going. Unlike the teamwork that exists in a healthy family, these responsibilities are unfairly distributed. As a result, the family members bearing the burden begin to feel resentful, angry, and frustrated. But the "don't talk rule" keeps them from confronting the troubled member about his or her irresponsibility. They may also suffer their hard feelings to avoid arguments and uncomfortable scenes.
*Isolation - Troubled families often lack a key factor of healthy family life - contact with those outside the house. They are cut off from the many benefits people receive by being linked to the wider community and their contact with growth-producing relationships is limited. Because the family members are so enmeshed with one another, outsiders threaten the precarious "balance" of codependency. Also, because of their rigidity, they reject others whose ideas and practices may challenge theirs. Keeping the family secret of addiction or abuse makes them shun outsiders. Shame about that secret inhibits their getting close to others. In some cases, this isolation is a contributing cause of the family's problems as well as a result. Physical and sexual abuse can more easily happen where it is unlikely to be detected by members of the community.
2. A Broader View of Addiction
For practical reasons, many experts are taking a broader view of addiction, a biopsychosocial one. They view substance abuse as a complex condition and endorse multiple strategies for dealing with it. Using drugs and alcohol may serve any number or purposes - avoiding responsibility, medicating emotional pain, dealing with a difficult relationship, etc. These behaviors are inadequate ways of coping with the underlying problems that sustain them.
*God in a Bottle - If there were one reason above all others for people becoming addicts, it would be a spiritual one. People worship their addictions. Ironically, for them, spirits replace the divine Spirit. It is a form of selfishness or self-idolatry. The feeling of power and exotic excitement in addiction is an attempt to rise above the routine of living. For this reason, many label addictions idolatry. It is obviously so, since the addict's center of life has become the substance/behavior to which he or she is addicted. Addicts testify that nothing else mattered to them once they became hooked - not family, health, pleasure - nothing was more important to them than satisfying their craving for a fix.
The Old Testament describes idolatry as putting something in front of God. When God commands that we "have no other gods before" Him, idolatry/addictive behaviors consist of putting something/anything in front of God, disguising and distorting God's true face. Every sin emerges from the fact that God is no longer first in our lives but is concealed by something created.
Viewing addiction as a form of idolatry should encourage us as Christians to be confident of our own spiritual resources to treat it. Salvation through faith in Christ and sanctification through reliance on the Holy Spirit strike at the heart of idolatry.
*For Pleasure or Escape - Addicted people are crippled by their past experiences, unable to choose and exercise responsibility for their behavior. Some use addictive behaviors as a way to escape emotional hurt sometimes sourced in their troubled childhood family. People often use addictions not to make their hearts happy but to put their souls to sleep. When people use addictive behaviors to escape suffering, they fail to cope with their problems in functional ways. This only compounds their problems, which don't go away but remain to keep nudging them to return to their "drug" of choice to escape.
Dependence is learned as a result of living in a family where a behavior is rewarded one time and punished the next. Children learn to be dependent on cues from their environment to know how to act. They are often not taught to follow their feelings but rather to follow the actions of another - to react as opposed to act. The perceptive child grows to learn how to watch the family so that under each changing set of circumstances he or she will know how to act. When the cues keep changing and the consequences for mistakes are severe, the child becomes dependent on these external cues to know what to do. By training themselves to trust only external cues, not only do children learn dependency but they also perceive that feeling good can come only from a source outside of themselves. This helps explain why children of addicts learn to depend on others and not themselves in a relationship. Once addiction becomes a problem for them, addicts will continue to use the substance/behavior not so much to obtain enjoyment but to blot out the pain of the disastrous effects their heavy use is causing them. They then search for more relief from the addiction moving farther into the process of addiction. Sobriety means giving up their maladaptive way of coping with their emotions and their troubles. Recovery must include making major life changes.
*Relational and Trust Issues - Sometimes addictive behaviors are blamed on others and other relational factors can be involved in addictions. One's acting out might keep the focus of the problem on the addict rather than other family members. Some use addictive behaviors to draw attention to themselves and excuse themselves from their responsibilities. Addictive behaviors can be used to control others through manipulation or as a way of not being controlled by others. Addictive behaviors can be used to avoid intimacy and the threat of self-disclosing including the risk of rejection. Because of not having healthy relationships, those involved in addictive behaviors may not have learned to trust people. Their emotional isolation from others eventually leads them to establish an emotional relationship with some substance or activity. They turn to it because it is dependable - they can trust it to give them the lift that they need and the nurture that they are unable to receive from others. Addictions are dependable; people are not.
*Stinkin' Thinkin' - The thinking of one involved in an addictive behavior is distorted. One's life can be falling apart, health deteriorating, family in ruins, and job in jeopardy, but he/she seems unable to recognize this. Family and friends may even be taken in by this "addictive thinking" because the addict sounds convincing to friends, pastors, employers, doctors, and even counselors. It is difficult to understand if this perverted reasoning is the cause or the result of the addiction. For example, "Am I addicted because of my intolerable life, or is my life intolerable because of my addiction?" Once the intense craving begins, it affects the person's thinking in much the same way as a bribe or other personal interest distorts one's judgment. The addict's need will be so powerful that he or she will think anything that will justify the next fix. Addicts' illusion of control is part of these rationalizations. Although their lives have become grossly unmanageable, they steadfastly insist they are still in charge. They falsely claim they can quit anytime they want. They do this because they think in terms of minutes, not hours or days. Recovering addicts must patiently stay sober moment after moment.
3. Children and Spouses of Troubled Families
*The Children -- Many children of dysfunctional families (termed CODF's) have to cope with baffling and painful situations. Children who are subjected to abuse of different kinds may receive little or no help from others, mainly because their teachers, neighbors, and church leaders may not realize their plight. Without assistance from others, children try to fix themselves. Clumsily, with childish hands, they suture the wounds, often leaving ugly scars or unhealed lesions that split open in later life. All of this is an attempt to protect themselves from the abuse. The home has the power to produce angry, rebellious, or disheartened children. Families can aggravate serious psychological disorders. Kids under stress can develop an abundance of physical and emotional problems even while in the womb. Many scientists how believe that stress can program a fetus to develop heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, and other disorders in adulthood. So sensitive is the brain to its environment that absence of emotional warmth can kill brain cells. The loss of these cells is devastating during a child's early years, when brain connections require learning skills for language, math, and getting along with others. As infants, if anything interferes with bonding with their mothers, they may have permanent emotional scars that will influence the outcome of the remainder of their development. The extent of the damage done to CODF's depends on lots of factors, for example, when in the life of the child the parent became addicted, how the family reacted to it, how long the addiction continued, and the severity of the abuse and neglect.
Thankfully, despite the severity of the situation, not all of these children will be severely wounded. Psychologists call them resilient or stress-resistant children. Some CODF's may have a strong orientation toward personal growth. They are able to initiate and intentionally engage in the process of self-change. Second, they may possess a trait termed hardiness. Hardy people are actively involved in living, believing they can control their circumstances. Some kids are less affected by their stressful family life because of the presence of another adult in their lives.
The children of troubled families may sometimes feel frustrated and unable to control their own lives. Their helplessness may be compounded by a feeling of failure. This is due to their trying to solve the problem in their family. Kids feel responsible for their parents' problems partly because they are so egocentric, believing they are the cause of most everything that happens around them. But they also may think they are to blame for the problem because the troubled parent tells them they are. Taking such responsibility on themselves is usually destructive to children because they are doomed to failure. Without someone explaining to them that they shouldn't take the weight of the family on their shoulders, they may continue to do this into adulthood and even have trouble stopping then. Their failure to solve the family's problems may make them angry. Thinking their good behavior will make their parents break free from their dependency or compulsion, they may be upset when they don't get the hoped for results. Their anger may take the form of resentment.
Expressing anger is complicated by the attachment the child has for the parents. Besides needing the parents' care, children are taught to love and respect them, making it very hard to accept the anger and hatred they feel. Feelings are mixed - love and hate, pity and disgust, anger and sympathy. The child plays the same Jeckyll-Hyde role the troubled parent is playing. Fear may also keep children from directing anger toward the parent. And the "don't feel, don't talk" rules will make them keep their anger bottled up inside of them. This may cause them to resort to sarcasm, forgetfulness, hostile jokes, and other passive-aggressive behaviors. They may also overreact to normal events and become extremely angry with people who haven't done anything to deserve such a reaction.
One way CODF's express anger is by reverting back to an earlier stage of development. Also, a child may make light of the stressful situation at home or resort to humor to handle it. Additionally, children may be deeply hurt by a parent's abusive ranting and raving and lack what are known as "self-soothing" abilities. They lack inner resources to calm themselves in the face of severe stress and intense emotions. Finally, children in stressful situations may develop a false self. Instead of the addicted parent's encouraging the children to express themselves and commending them for it, the parent's behavior demands that they become something else. If the parent is also physically or sexually abusive, the squelching of the child's personality can be extremely severe.
Shame is another emotion that inhibits children's development of their true self. Theirs is not a shame for what they have done, but for who they are-an absence of self-respect. The time between eighteen months to three years is a time when a child gains a sense of autonomy. Restricting the child, as dysfunctional families are prone to do, may make them doubt and dislike themselves. Guilt feelings may also develop very early from ages three to six. In an addictive family, the children may receive little affirmation for their ventures and be blamed for innocent mistakes, causing them to feel guilty for attempts to exert themselves.
They will also be shamed by the embarrassing activities of their parents. Their shame may also be due to the fact that all children tend to identify with their parents. Of course, constant parental criticism may result in children's having little self-respect. When little children are verbally harangued by their parents, told they are worthless or bad, they will believe these things. They lack the maturity to realize these messages are lies of an evil, addicted, compulsive person.
Trust will almost always be a problem for the dysfunctional family's children, too. Consistent care teaches them that they can rely on others. If their care is sporadic, harsh, or unkind, they learn to mistrust, making it difficult for them later to form close relationships. Distracted and disturbed, a dysfunctional family may early breed mistrust in children. The inconsistency of the wet-dry cycle probably is enough to instill distrust in a child. Children in dysfunctional families are often compulsive and have a tendency to become addicted to something. Or they may turn to an addiction as an escape from pain. The enmeshed family system has taught them to depend on things outside themselves for happiness and satisfaction. Additionally, children of dysfunctional families are often obsessed with pleasing others.
CODF's cast themselves in various roles. The child may choose the role as a survival tactic, or, because each role performs a function in the family system, the system itself will force the child into the part. Sometimes a specific child will play more than one role or through time switch from one to another. These roles help the family maintain its dysfunctional homeostasis and can eventually be harmful to the children. The following are various roles:
Chief Enabler - shelters the addict from consequences of his or her behavior; cost to them is
martyrdom;
Family Hero - keeps family's self-worth, acts as family counselor; cost is a compulsive
drive;
Family Scapegoat - diverts attention from the addict; cost is possible self-destructive
behavior and often addiction;
Lost child - escapes family stress by emotional and physical separation; cost is
social isolation;
Family Mascot - diverts attention from the addict by humor; cost is immaturity and/or
emotional illness.
Family members learn "addictive logic" to deny the chaos. They learn to lie and say the problem doesn't exist so as not to betray the family. To survive in an addictive system, children learn to deny healthy responses that tell them they are in danger; they have to keep increasing these dishonest coping skills as their situation worsens. Also, a torrent of negative thoughts may be coursing through children's innocent minds: "I can't do anything right; I am a failure; I'm not loved; I will be abandoned; I am ugly and bad…etc." They desperately need someone to tell them these are lies and help them see the truth about themselves and their families.
*The Spouses -- Being married to an addict can be like a ride on a roller coaster - terrifying. Life is chaotic and unpredictable, up one day, down the next, depending on how the spouse is behaving. Emotions fluctuate and are mixed. The dry period, when life is on the upside, inspires hope that it will last, along with nagging fear that it won't. In cases of spousal abuse, the cycle is well documented: abuse followed by remorse followed by forgiveness followed by abuse followed by remorse, and so on. The same happens in addictive marriages: The husband manifests an addictive/compulsive behavior, and the wife gets angry. The husband becomes sober and pleads for forgiveness. The wife forgives, and the two are reconciled. The husband manifests the addictive/compulsive behavior, and the wife gets angry. The husband becomes sober, and on and on. The spouse will probably be experiencing many of the same emotions as the children - fear, anger, helplessness, loneliness, and the like. Some will hate their husband or wife, their bitterness created out of years of broken promises and neglect. Spouses will also blame themselves for their partner's problem. Shame too can be intense. And to cover his or her embarrassment, the husband or wife of the troubled person will strive hard to make a contribution outside the home. He or she may be driven to succeed in the workplace. Some will devote themselves to social work or church ministry. The marriage relationship will deteriorate. Feelings of love that were likely present in the beginning of the marriage will slowly die as the partner's addiction progresses.
Three of the most important marital resources - respect, reciprocity, and reliability - will be challenged. Respect involves conveying to another person (through words, deeds, or simply being present) that the other is of value. By their irresponsible behavior and neglect of family duties, addicts and the like will not be likely to keep this resource in their relationship. Reciprocity in relationships refers to the balance of giving and receiving care and consideration. Not much fairness will be felt in a dysfunctional family where the weight of maintaining the family falls on the addict's spouse and/or children. Reliability refers to the expectation that the person will be there for us on an ongoing, fairly consistent basis. Broken promises and no-shows will destroy this resource. An addiction, like any other violation of the relationship bond, will chip away at trust. People married to the addiction/compulsive behavior often convey to their partners that they are not important. This deterioration of the marriage and emotional struggles of the spouse will sometimes diminish his or her capacity to parent. Sometimes the spouse, wrestling with the partner's addiction/behavior, will dump his or her responsibilities on the children. Because of this neglect, some adult children are angry at the spouse of their addictive/compulsive parent more than they are the one with the addiction/compulsion.
*The Role of Codependency -- Codependency is another form of enmeshment. The spouse of the troubled individual is referred to as the "co-addict." This can be described as one person's addictive patterns aligning themselves with another's so that there is some degree of systemic collusion or addictive pattern. Essentially, a codependent is related to another in an unhealthy way. One person cares so completely for the other that he or she neglects himself or herself, living almost entirely for the other person. Being an enabler is sometimes part of such a relationship. Enablers don't usually consciously do things to help their partner continue his or her destructive behavior. In fact they will probably attack their partner's problem with a vengeance, doing everything possible to get him or her to straighten out. Yet, at the same time, they will do things that facilitate their spouse's behavior. For example, they will protect their spouse from the consequences of his or her actions: phoning his boss to report him sick when he can't go to work because of the addictive behavior; giving money to a wife who has a money related addictive problem; making excuses to the kids for a parent's absence, and so on. Then too the partners contribute to the addicts' problem by facilitating the reorganization of the family around them. Children, too, can play the role of codependent.
Codependents sacrifice unnecessarily and to the detriment of others as well as themselves. Following Jesus' example, Christians are encouraged to make sacrifices, but they are not to make senseless ones. Jesus' sacrificial offering of himself benefited others. But the codependent's sacrifices are harmful to the one for whom they are made. It is not really loving. Love, as conceived in the New Testament, is concern and care for a person's highest good. Preventing an addicted/compulsive spouse from suffering their own consequences is not showing this type of concern and care. This troubled spouse needs to see the results of his/her lifestyle and choices. As Proverbs 19:19 says, "A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again." Love is sometimes expressed by not doing something for someone. Also, codependents need to understand that it is not wrong to care for themselves. As indicated in Lev. 19:18 and Matt. 19:19, we are commanded to respect others as we respect ourselves.
Some write that codependency is defined as "a pattern of painful dependence on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity." By this, they mean that people who live in enmeshed families develop a tendency to live this way in general, even with people outside the family. Symptoms include the following:
* Thoughts and attitudes dominated by the other person: "I think more about your
life than mine."
* Self-esteem related to the other person: "I value your opinion more than my own; I need to
help you in order to feel good about myself; I need to be needed."
* Emotions are tied to the other person: "When you are hurting, I often react more
deeply than you do."
*Interests geared to the other person: "I know more clearly what you want than what
I want."
* Relationship to others is affected by the other person: "I neglect my friends to get
overly involved in fixing you; I am compulsive about pleasing others, yet I get
upset by their demands on me."
In selecting a mate, some men and women seem to be attracted to a person who needs their care. Besides the obvious shortcomings, one major problem of this type of relationship is the powerful dependence these partners have on each other. They become so enmeshed that they seem unable to function as individuals. They become so intertwined that it becomes difficult for the other to leave the relationship regardless of how dysfunctional it is. Codependents will have considerable psychological distress. They will suffer from poor self-esteem, since they may feel little worth apart from what is derived from rescuing others. They will also suffer from an extreme need to be needed, making them depressed when they feel they are not. Also they may have an unhealthy willingness to suffer, somehow believing that suffering for someone will make that person love them; being a martyr will make them feel rewarded.
Despite codependents' sorry state of affairs, they will have a strong resistance to change. Leaving the troubled spouse, even as a step toward healing, accountability, and re-creation of the marriage, is not an option, because they fear feeling guilty, living alone, or not being able to make it financially.
In conclusion, when we or our families experience trouble, we must call upon the Divine weapons and resources that God has provided us. We must remember that we cannot face the vast array of past and present problems on our own. Therefore, we must keep our focus on the Lord since we don't know how to deal with these things (2 Chron 20:12b). He has the willingness and power to do the impossible, demolish the past and present strongholds that have enslaved us, and make us to be who He created us to be (Phil 2:12; Luke 1:37; 2 Cor 10:3-5).
HEALING FROM INFIDELITY
(Adapted from Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
Life certainly has its challenges, but little compares to the monumental task
of healing from infidelity. As a marriage therapist for two decades, I've
heard countless clients confess that the discovery of an affair was the
lowest, darkest moment of their entire lives. And because affairs shatter
trust, many seriously contemplate ending their marriages.
However, it's important to know that, no matter bleak things might seem, it's
possible to revitalize a marriage wounded by infidelity. It's not easy-
there are no quick-fix, one-size-fits-all solutions- but years of experience
has taught me that there are definite patterns to what people in loving
relationships do to bring their marriages back from the brink of disaster.
Healing from infidelity involves teamwork; both spouses must be fully
committed to the hard work of getting their marriages back on track. The
unfaithful partner must be willing to end the affair and do whatever it takes
to win back the trust of his or her spouse. The betrayed spouse must be
willing to find ways to manage overwhelming emotions so, as a couple, they
can begin to sort out how the affair happened, and more importantly, what
needs to change so that it never happens again. Although no two people,
marriages or paths to recovery are identical, it's helpful to know that
healing typically happens in stages.
If you recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, you will
undoubtedly feel a whole range of emotions- shock, rage, hurt, devastation,
disillusionment, and intense sadness. You may have difficulty sleeping or
eating, or feel completely obsessed with the affair. If you are an emotional
person, you may cry a lot. You may want to be alone, or conversely, feel at
your worst when you are. While unpleasant, these reactions are perfectly
normal.
Although you might be telling yourself that your marriage will never improve,
it will, but not immediately. Healing from infidelity takes a long time.
Just when you think things are looking up, something reminds you of the
affair and you go downhill rapidly. It's easy to feel discouraged unless you
both keep in mind that intense ups and downs are the norm. Eventually, the
setbacks will be fewer and far between.
Although some people are more curious than others, it's very common to have
lots of questions about the affair, especially initially. If you have little
interest in the facts, so be it. However, if you need to know what happened,
ask. Although the details may be uncomfortable to hear, just knowing your
spouse is willing to "come clean" helps people recover. As the unfaithful
spouse, you might feel tremendous remorse and guilt, and prefer avoiding the
details entirely, but experience shows that this is a formula for disaster.
Sweeping negative feelings and lingering questions under the carpet makes
genuine healing unlikely.
Once there is closure on what actually happened, there is typically a need to
know why it happened. Betrayed spouses often believe that unless they get to
the bottom of things, it could happen again. Unfortunately, since the reasons
people stray can be quite complex, the "whys" aren't always crystal clear.
No one "forces" anyone to be unfaithful. Infidelity is a decision, even if
doesn't feel that way. If you were unfaithful, it's important to examine why
you allowed yourself to do something that could threaten your marriage. Were
you satisfying a need to feel attractive? Are you having a mid-life crisis?
Did you grow up in a family where infidelity was a way of life? Do you have a
sexual addiction?
It's equally important to explore whether your marriage is significantly
lacking. Although no marriage is perfect, sometimes people feel so unhappy,
they look to others for a stronger emotional or physical connection. They
complain of feeling taken for granted, unloved, resentful, or ignored.
Sometimes there is a lack of intimacy or sexuality in the marriage.
If unhappiness with your spouse contributed to your decision to have an
affair, you need to address your feelings openly and honestly so that
together you can make some changes. If open communication is a problem,
consider seeking help from a qualified marital therapist or taking a
communication skill-building class. There are many available through
religious organizations, community colleges and mental health settings.
Another necessary ingredient for rebuilding a marriage involves the
willingness of unfaithful spouses to demonstrate sincere regret and remorse.
You can't apologize often enough. You need to tell your spouse that you will
never commit adultery again. Although, since you are working diligently to
repair your relationship, you might think your intentions to be monogamous
are obvious, they aren't. Tell your spouse of your plans to take your
commitment to your marriage to heart. This will be particularly important
during the early stages of recovery when mistrust is rampant.
Conversely, talking about the affair can't be the only thing you do. Couples
who successfully rebuild their marriages recognize the importance of both
talking about their difficulties and spending time together without
discussing painful topics. They intentionally create opportunities to
reconnect and nurture their friendship. They take walks, go out to eat
or to a movie, develop new mutual interests and so on. Betrayed spouses will
be more interested in spending discussion-free time after the initial shock
of the affair has dissipated.
Ultimately, the key to healing from infidelity involves forgiveness, which is
frequently the last step in the healing process. The unfaithful spouse can do
everything right- be forthcoming, express remorse, listen lovingly and act
trustworthy, and still, the marriage won't mend unless the betrayed person
forgives his or her spouse and the unfaithful spouse forgives him or herself.
Forgiveness opens the door to real intimacy and connection.
But forgiveness doesn't just happen. It is a conscious decision to stop
blaming, make peace, and start tomorrow with a clean slate. If the past has
had you in its clutches, why not take the next step to having more love in
your life? Decide to forgive today.
A SERVANT'S HEART IN THE HOME
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
After the Garden of Eden, both man and woman, as different as they are, have had to learn to live together on a sin-scarred planet. The Creator not only understood Adam and Eve in all their glory and perfection, He knew the implications of their tragic fall into sin. Yet even with that knowledge, He wasn't about to quit on mankind or on marriage. Just as He had a plan to save and restore their souls, He had a plan to save and restore the joy of marriage.
What is the element that's so essential to the success of our marriage? Servanthood. Our model is Jesus Christ. By applying servant-love, husbands and wives can be freed to welcome the undiluted blessing of God on their marriage. Nowhere is the lofty desire to serve another person brought more quickly down to earth than in marriage. Nevertheless, the success of a marriage rests heavily on a couple's ability to put this bit of wisdom into practice. The more intimate the relationship, the more important a servant-spirit becomes. As you read these verses, envision your marriage through this new paradigm for love -
"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard
one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your
own personal interests, but also for the interests of others" (Phil 2:3-4).
It is in the heart - the seat of our intellect, our feelings, and our will - that we invite the Lord of the universe to do that special work which will equip us to launch into a life of service to the one we love. When it comes to living in marriage, what husbands need in themselves and at the center of their marriage union is the heart of a servant. And, yes, the same holds true for wives.
No matter how the husband looks and acts in his role, he'll only be effective if he has the heart of a servant. Likewise for the wife. A servant's heart is the prime directive no matter what shape her roles and responsibilities take day by day. To be what God demands, spouses must first be servants. This requirement is at the core of both of their job descriptions. Your goal in serving is to meet the other person's needs. To do that, you must first identify and understand those needs. Moreover, the servant-lover sees a need and simply does it. It consists of daily little acts that sweeten the relationship a little at a time.
Remember, Jesus the One who did not come to be served but to serve, is the example we need to follow (see Phil 2:5-11). Jesus Christ was both a real man and a servant, the model servant of all time. In His example, we can see that the word servant is not synonymous with terms like fake, wimp, insecure, indecisive, people pleaser, or victim.
To begin to serve, don't focus first on behavior. Check the attitude that's driving how you behave. The servant who honors God is real, genuine, authentic, and serving from the heart of humility.
Despite modern misconceptions, being a servant does not mean relegating yourself to a position of weakness. As a servant, you operate from a position of strength because you're following the example of the all-powerful One who "existed in the form of God." The best servants are those who know their strengths and know what they have to offer their spouses. The goal of a servant-husband or wife is to use whatever gifts, abilities, power, or position you possess to support and serve your spouse.
To serve well, a servant must be secure, not second-guessing, not perpetually wondering or worrying about what others are thinking. The secure husband can humbly serve his wife and not worry about what the world thinks of him. Likewise, the secure wife can respectfully follow the leadership of her husband even if her friends don't understand or agree.
A lot of people think serving is analogous to being taken advantage of, that it's a decision to become subservient to someone else. Serving is not about being taken; it's about choosing to give. Servants like Jesus willingly suspend their rights, privileges, time, and agendas to meet their spouses' needs. Unlike slaves, whose lives of servility are forced upon them, spouses who follow Jesus' example make a deliberate decision to serve. And, in so doing, servants learn to make tough choices.
Too often we fail to serve our spouses because we don't take the time to learn their language. The way men and women think and process things can be dramatically different. You need to enter your spouse's world and learn about those differences. Become a student of your spouse.
A common concern voiced is that my husband/wife is "going to walk all over me. I will be just a doormat." But serving Jesus' way does not demand that you become a doormat. Jesus became a willing sacrifice. What's even more remarkable is that He came obediently to serve, knowing that this outcome (death on the cross) awaited Him. By becoming a willing sacrifice, He secured victory for those He came to serve. Always remember - the difference between a victim and a servant is as pronounced as the contrast between a doormat and a sacrifice. The doormat is a loser, but the one who willingly lays down his life for another is a hero. When we as men and women choose to lay it all on the line to serve the one we love, God honors our sacrificial, servant-love.
When you try to be a servant in marriage, the question of motivation comes up. If I'm serving strictly to please my spouse, or if my motive in serving is simply to get my mate to serve me, I'm in trouble over the long haul. What happens if I give and don't get back? Chances are better than even that pretty soon I'll stop giving. If, on the other hand, my primary motive is to glorify God through the way I love and serve my spouse, then even if he/she doesn't respond, I keep serving. I know my Father in heaven is pleased with how I'm treating my spouse. And if my greatest motivation is to please my God and Savior, then I can keep on serving, keep on loving, keep on giving, knowing that my reward may never come on this planet. My perseverance also boosts the likelihood that my spouse will eventually take notice and respond in kind.
Truthfully, we are to serve one another in the marriage relationship even to the point of radical sacrifice!
THE HUSBAND'S ROLE DEFINED
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but
nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church. (Eph 5:28-29)
and
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord….and the wife must see
to it that she respects her husband. (Eph 5:22, 33)
These Scriptures are saying simply that men feel loved when they're respected and women feel loved when they're cared for. These are the primary needs of men and women.
The question for men to answer is, "How are you to apply your servant-spirit on your wife's behalf?"
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He
Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also
the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. (Eph 5:23-25)
To live out the high calling of a husband, you must assume the role of a servant-leader. The text clearly states that the husband "is the head of the wife." Unfortunately, extreme interpretations of this text have obscured its intended meaning. Some have said that it has absolutely nothing to do with authority. This is not true. Paul was speaking here of a leadership role for the husband. His emphasis was on how that role is to be carried out. The appropriate model is Jesus Christ. The husband is to lead by following Jesus' example, which means His leadership is not as a dictator, which is not the biblical model for leadership. We are to lead as He leads, as a servant.
Another misinterpretation is the suggestion that husbands and wives are co-leaders in the home. It's true that teamwork is essential for success in marriage. Men and women were created as equals. However, the issue here is not one of equality. It's a matter of responsibility. And the apostle Paul was making clear that responsibility is central to the man's role as the servant-leader. Just as Jesus takes responsibility for the needs of the church, so He expects the husband to take responsibility for the needs of the home. In saying this, we're also acknowledging the husband's responsibility to exercise initiative. If things at home are not as they should be, it's the man's responsibility to get the ball rolling.
A Servant-Husband Sacrifices. A husband sacrifices for his wife. The American Heritage Dictionary defines sacrifice as…forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of someone or something considered to have greater value. It is saying that we're to incur a loss in the transaction as we give ourselves for our wives. Imagine how your love would grow and your marriage would strengthen if every day you looked for ways, large and small, to give up things you value for your wife. And I'm talking here about things that cost you something.
A Servant-Husband Nourishes. In verses 26-29 of Ephesians Paul explained why men are to love their wives sacrificially the way Jesus loved the church:
So that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for not one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.
You love your wife by caring for her. Another translation indicates "to pamper" your wife. What Paul was talking about here is meeting the needs of the other person, helping that person grow to maturity. The idea is that you want your wife to blossom. A good husband is to be about the business of attending to the needs of his wife, of helping her become all that God wants her to be. If you tell your wife that your intent is to nourish her, to care for her as you own body, you're making a statement of radical love to her. To nourish her is to do whatever is necessary to see her become all God wants her to be, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. As husbands, our mission in life is to help our wife be "all that she can be. Bottom line, if she's not healthy and growing as a woman of God, it's our job to nourish that growth.
A Servant-Husband Cherishes. We must also cherish our wives. What does this mean? Nothing more or less than to hold dear and to value highly. Cherishing is saying to your wife, "You're number one." It goes beyond just meeting her needs. It's also tuning in to who she is and saying with your words and actions, "You're precious. You're special." If you tell your wife that you choose to cherish her, you're saying she's your top priority. Nothing means more to a man's wife than to let her know there's no one ahead of her on the list of people who matter most. What we are talking about here is the nature of your priorities in the daily world of relationships and the demands of life. Make sure your wife knows where she stands on that list. Tell her with your mouth - often - that you count it a privilege to have her as your wife. There's a big difference between the special treatment a man gives something he deems to be of value versus the routine care he gives something he merely owns. We need both. Every marriage requires routine maintenance to stay in good working order. Part of it comes from the care that's involved in nourishing your wife. But cherishing is essential as well, doing those special things, small and not so small, that communicate that vital message, "You, above all others, are special."
A Servant-Husband Honors. Consider 1 Peter 3:7-
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as
with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir
of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
God says that if you don't honor your wife, the effectiveness of your prayers will diminish. Honor signifies something you give to acknowledge value and worth. Something priceless. The idea is to esteem another person in such a way that you affirm their dignity. God wants our wives to be honored and praised. Every time you honor your wife with your words, follow them up with action. Just ask a simple question: "What can I do to help?"
How can you show honor? Consider:
*Praise her publicly
*Say "Thank You" often
*Open doors for her
*Wait on her joyfully
*Wait on her patiently
*Seek her opinion
*Take her advice
*Respect her feelings
*Bring her a gift
*Listen, listen, listen!
A Servant-Husband Understands. The phrase (in 1 Peter 3:7) as with someone weaker is not a signal of inferiority. The word weaker as used in this context means fragile. Peter was saying that a wife is more like fine crystal than a plastic container. The point is to handle your wife like fine crystal, not like cheap plastic. Be sensitive to her moods, feelings, and needs. She is different by design. She's more fragile, delicate, and tender, often more aware of feelings and emotions than you are, and often more intuitive and interpretive of subtle nuances of communication that the average guy. We're to work at understanding how they think, what their needs are, and how they most desire for us to meet those needs. We need to focus more on listening for the purpose of knowing and understanding our wives. That's more important than listening so that I can fix my wife's problems, which is the typical male approach. Most of the time, what a woman wants if for her husband to love her by listening in such a way that he hears exactly what she's saying and seeks to know her better as a result. Our wives want to know that we care more about them than about their problems.
To sum up, a husband says, "I love you" by caring for his wife…by sacrificing for his wife…by nourishing his wife…by cherishing his wife…by honoring his wife…and by understanding his wife. The beauty is that love expressed like this has a profound impact on a man's wife. It actually sets in motion a cycle of love that creates not only harmony but strength in marriage.
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HE FEELS LOVED |
SHE FEELS LOVED |
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He gives more care |
She gives more respect |
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He sacrifices |
She admires |
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He nourishes |
She accepts |
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He cherishes |
She supports |
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He honors |
She trusts |
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He understands |
She respects |
THE WIFE'S ROLE DEFINED
(Adapted from Different by Design by H. Dale Burke)
(09/11/03 - Bill Bellican)
A wife has a lot to learn as she tackles the daunting assignment of understanding and loving the man in her life. The average woman may be more sensitive to a man's needs than he is to hers, but she faces some significant challenges. The primary concepts found in God's Word to direct wives in loving their husbands in the servant-wife role include: a) Respect; b) Trust; c) Support; d) Acceptance; e) Admiration.
One issue that needs to be addressed and properly understood deals with submission. Scripture states, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph 5:22), and "As the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything" (Eph 5:24). It is clear that God calls on wives to submit, to be subject to their husbands. The very sound of the term submission is enough to offend many modern couples who so want to serve as equals on a team, pulling together to build a quality marriage. A thorough examination of the apostle Paul's concept of submission is essential to understanding God's unique blueprint to marriage, a design that transcends today's culture.
Biblical submission is NOT: inferiority, intellectual suicide, without fulfillment, passivity, or silence.
Submission is not inferiority. Wives aren't the only ones called upon to submit. The Scriptures are clear that even Jesus' relationship to His Father was one of submission. At the height of His anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane He prayed to God, asking to be relieved of the assignment He had been sent to Earth to fulfill. His prayer concluded, however, like this: "Yet not My will, but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42) This act of submission typifies Jesus' relationship with God the Father, but there is never a hint in His words that He was in a position of inferiority. Biblical submission does not place the one submitting in a lesser, or inferior, position.
Submission is not intellectual suicide. Anyone who would suggest that a woman must blindly submit to her husband's leadership needs to know that to make such an assertion is just as irresponsible as suggesting that Christ calls us to come to Him by blind, unthinking faith. The opposite is the case. Jesus challenged those around Him to think, perhaps more seriously than they'd ever thought before. Submission is a choice that follows serious, informed consideration. It's not acquiescence to a second-class role in the relationship. It's a choice to follow another's leadership with your brain in full gear. Again, Jesus as the Son of God may be our strongest proof that submission has nothing to do with intellectual suicide. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are truly equal in Their divine omniscience. However, each has a role to play and each performs that role in perfect harmony and mutual respect. Likewise, a wife who chooses to honor God and love her husband with a submissive spirit should still be highly valued for her God-given wisdom and abilities.
Submission is not without fulfillment. Nothing promises or delivers a deeper sense of satisfaction than the assurance that you're doing the will of God. Wives who submit to their husbands according to the command in Ephesians 5:22 can expect no less. The fact is that real fulfillment is found not in the pursuit of our dream but God's dream. Fulfillment for the Christian man or woman is not being all that you can be; it's being all that God calls you to be. Pleasing God is priority one. Supporting or encouraging your husband to take responsibility for leadership in the home should never, ever be labeled as boring or unfulfilling. The wife still can, and should, play a vital role in the direction of the family.
Submission is not passivity. The verb rendered "be subject to" in Ephesians 5:22 and "be submissive to" in 1 Peter 3:1 is in the present tense, which suggests a habit pattern. It's imperative, meaning it's a command. And it's in the middle voice, meaning this is not something done to a woman but by her. She's actively involved in every aspect of marriage, including this one. It's action oriented with the distinction being that it's done under another's authority. God designed women to contribute fully and significantly to every aspect of the marriage and family.
Submission is not silence. One common misconception about submission is that it condemns wives to suffer in silence when their husbands fail to lead and love as Christ leads and loves His church. No man is perfect, and disappointment, frustration, and exasperation are part of every marriage in pursuit of intimacy. Still, the clear challenge to love with a submissive spirit is given to every wife, even to those wed to men who are missing the mark. In 1 Peter 3:1 God calls wives simply to imitate Jesus. To love that difficult, disobedient, even unbelieving husband without preaching to him, without demanding that he change, without threatening to leave if he doesn't shape up. But does that mean total silence? No! Ephesians 4:25-27 says, "Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." Honesty should never be abandoned in the name of submission. Whether leading or following, never stop being open and honest with your spouse. Silence is as dangerous to your marital health as ignoring pain is to your physical health. When it comes to marriage, silence is never golden.
What does it mean for a woman to submit to her husband as to the Lord? Submission is willingly placing yourself under the leadership of another. This is an "as to the Lord" type of submission. The psalmist was involved in this activity in Psalm 17:8-9 and 61:4. He was hiding, dwelling, taking refuge in the Lord. He was willingly placing his trust in another. He chose to follow his Lord and to trust in Him. That loving, trusting relationship became a place of shelter and refuge. Similarly, the wife's decision to obey God and submit to her husband's leadership is the ultimate expression of respect and trust. It is important to notice the extent of submission expressly stated in Ephesians 5:24 covers everything. This is not a part-of-the-way proposition; not 30 percent, 50 percent, or 99 percent. It's 100 percent. Paul's commands to the husband demand a similarly wholehearted response. He is to love his wife, sacrifice for her, and nourish and cherish her whether she having a bad day or good - 100 percent of the time. However, for those who would distort Scripture to say that a woman must obey her husband, period, note one significant exception. First Peter 3:1 challenges women to submit to their husbands even if they may be "disobedient to the word." But, this is a far cry from submitting to a husband who tells you to disobey God. Paul and the apostles put that notion to rest in Acts 5:29 when they responded to the Jewish authorities who told them to quit teaching in Jesus' Name: "We must obey God rather than men." Coming under the authority of another is never a call to violate the Word of God.
Scripture continues to say, "For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body (Eph 5:23). Indeed, "authority over and responsibility for" is the meaning of head, in God's definition of marriage. Not the heavy-handed, harsh rule of the world, but the gentle, loving, sacrificial leadership of a savior. A leader who will give anything to care for his wife. One who takes his responsibility seriously, knowing he will give an account to God for the health and well-being not only of his wife, but of his entire family. Some have incorrectly thought that the statement in Ephesians 5:21, "Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ," negates the following command. This command is actually a consequence of being filled with God's Spirit and calls all of us, men and women alike, to exhibit a submissive spirit whether leading or following, whether husband or wife, whether parent or child, whether employee or employer. However, in each of these relationships someone is told to exercise loving leadership and someone is encouraged to follow. The concepts of submission and headship are anchored in truths that clearly transcend any culture or time in history. They are as relative today as they were in the culture of the time they were written about.
Christ is the Head of the church and the husband is the head of the wife. Jesus is the church's Lord and Leader as well as its Source. He takes responsibility for the life and health of the church, just as the husband takes responsibility for the life and health of his wife. It is in light of this challenge for husbands to lead and love by sacrificially caring for every aspect of their wife's welfare that God then calls the wife to follow. She will someday answer to her Lord in heaven for how she loved and followed her leader on earth.
A Servant-Wife Respects. As important a concept submission is, it is not the only issue or even the main issue contained in Ephesians 5:33 - And the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.
Respect is the real issue for men. Submission is not the end; it is only one means to the end. The real target in God's sights is to see wives shower their husbands with a gentle rain of respect. It is the gift that best says to a man, "I love you." Just as sacrificial love is only a tool, a means of communicating to wives that we care, so submission is only a tool, a means of communicating respect to a husband. Respect, or reverence, is a gift that can be given to men, even imperfect men or ungodly men. First Peter 3:2 clearly calls on wives to win over their husbands by their "chaste and respectful behavior." Moreover, these men are described in verse 1 as men who are "disobedient to the word." That is often taken to refer to husbands outside the faith, unbelievers, but that's not necessarily the case. All too often, it is the Christian who finds himself or herself with a spouse who is less than an angel. Many wives know the challenge of living with a mate who has little to no interest in spiritual things. It is to that wife that God says, "Give the gift of respect to your husband."
A very common statement that floats around this subject is "Trust can be given, but respect must be earned." Is that really true? If by respect we mean a feeling of respect or admiration, then it is true. However, respect used in reference to marriage is not just a feeling; it's an action. It is something to choose to give whether I feel it or not. We do this all the time. A student may not like a teacher, principal, or coach. A citizen may not feel a lot of respect for a particular president, judge, or policeman. However, he or she had better learn to show those figures respect. How much truer this is in a marriage. A wife's feelings of respect for her husband (or a husband's for his wife, for that matter) will grow or diminish as she gets to know him, observing his character and skills. When she feels respect for him, showing it - expressing it - will come easily. However, God isn't calling us to the easy thing, but the harder thing: showing respect whether it's deserved or not. It's the same challenge God gives to husbands. The call to sacrificially love, nourish, cherish, and honor our wives isn't limited to their good days. It extends to every day!
Respect is not optional. It's essential in a healthy marriage. What can you do if you don't have a lot of respect for your husband?
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any
excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.
(Philippians 4:8)
1) Focus on the positive. Stop and take time to identify the good instead of the bad. Tell him and others where he excels; talk about things excellent rather than things deficient. Concentrate on the actions worthy of praise, not criticism. Thank God for what is right about this man, not what is wrong. Every man has some areas that are honorable; talk to others about those areas. Dwell on the lovely, not the ugly; the true, not the false. This may seem hard at first, but trust in God's help to do this, and just do it! Focus on the positive, and see if the negatives don't begin to diminish. However, this takes time, so commit to the positive and stay there.
2) Focus on the position. God calls us to respect the fact that leaders may not always be right, but they are always responsible. God will hold the husband accountable for the condition of the home, so respect that position of responsibility. It is not so much an issue of authority as it is an issue of accountability and responsibility. Respect that position of responsibility and his calling as the leader in your home. Permit me to paraphrase another passage - one written to call the church to respect its leaders - and apply it to marriage.
Obey your leaders (husbands) and (respectfully) submit to them, for they keep
watch over your souls (and your homes) as those who will give an account
(to God). Let them do this (lead out in your marriage) with joy (sensing your support and respect) and not with grief (as you nag them about their shortcomings and poor decisions), for this (type of disrespectful relationship) would be unprofitable for you (and all those in your family). (Hebrews 13:17)
3) Focus on the Lord. Ultimately, our calling is to the lordship of Christ, not to any human being. We must not focus on a husband's worthiness, but on Christ's worthiness. It is our Redeemer, the Lamb of God, whom we serve. It is out of respect and worship to our Sovereign God that we give respect to those He places over us in life. Remember that fulfillment is not about being all I want to be, but about being all God calls me to be. What a difference it makes when my desire for holiness is greater than my desire for happiness. In the end, the desire for holiness is the key to real joy through all the days of my life and my marriage. God wants us to understand that giving a husband respect is not just about trying to please a man. It's about trying to please the One who has showered us all with more respect than we could ever deserve.
A Servant-Wife Trusts. Trust means so much to a man. As a wife encourages and follows the leadership of her husband, that expression of trust becomes a powerful act of love. It says to him, "I believe in you." Again, do not misunderstand the point. Women certainly need to receive trust from their husbands. Everyone, man or woman, yearns to be trusted. But for men that desire is much more intense. Remember, we are d |
